maskormenace

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I'VE BEEN HERE FOR ABOUT A WEEK NOW, AND HONESTLY I WAS RIGHT CONFUSED ABOUT THIS WHOLE "AMERICA" THING UP UNTIL LAST NIGHT. TO CUT A LONG STORY SHORT, I ATE A BURGER OFF A SHOVEL AND HAD THE SHORTEST FISTFIGHT OF MY LIFE WITH A GUY WHO HAD A BIG ISSUE WITH THE FACT I HAD NO IDEA THIS COUNTRY EXISTED UNTIL A FEW DAYS AGO. IT TURNS OUT AMERICANS DON'T LIKE 6FT TALL BATS. IT WAS A LITTLE DISAPPOINTING. ANYWAY, DOES ANYONE KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SOCIAL MEDIA? THE SCAMPS I'M SUPPOSED TO TEACH HOW TO SWIM WANT TO MAKE A SOCIAL MEDIA FOR THEIR GROUP AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL ANY OF THEM ARE TALKING ABOUT. IS IT SOME KIND OF DEXNAV THING??

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IT WAS FULL SIZED BUT WITH MOST OF THE HANDLE CUT OFF. I DON'T UNDERSTAND AMERICA, HONESTLY.

Okay, yeah, that's completely ridiculous
I don't blame you for being confused.
Food off of tools isn't usually a thing.

I'VE BEEN INFORMED I MUST'VE WANDERED INTO A "HIPSTER" ESTABLISHMENT BY ACCIDENT. I HAVE SPENT FAR TOO LONG NOT ENGAGING WITH SOCIAL TRENDS. IT'S KIND OF A SAD REALISATION.

Sounds like it. Don't feel bad, though. Some trends aren't worth engaging with.

BELIEVE ME, THE ONLY THING I FEEL BAD ABOUT IS NOT BEING ABLE TO GET AWAY WITH THAT SHOVEL.

I don't think you'd want it. Sounds like it was broken anyway.

IT WAS THE PRINCIPLE MORE THAN HAVING A FUNCTIONAL SHOVEL.

What exactly was the principle?

THEY DIDN'T GIVE ME A PLATE SO I WAS GONNA TAKE THEIR SHOVEL. THAT WAS THE PRINCIPLE.

I'm not sure that tracks but you know what? Good for you.

THANKS. YOU CAN COME WITH ME NEXT TIME IF YOU WANT. I FEEL LIKE IT WOULD'VE GOT AWAY WITH IT IF I HAD SOMEONE TO ACT AS DISTRACTION.

Dine and dash, huh? What a criminal.

I'M NOT THAT BAD. I'LL PAY. I'LL JUST BRING A GIANT PURSE TO SHOVE THE CROCKERY INTO WHILE MY LOYAL FRIEND CAUSES A COMMOTION.

Still theft, still a criminal. Just a different kind.

THEY TRIED TO FEED ME OFF A SHOVEL. THEY HAD IT COMING.

It's okay, I wasn't going to hold it against you. I actually used to date a professional thief.

YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT THEN NOT GIVE ME SOME STORIES ABOUT THEM.

I don't know if I really have any. I was never part of his work life.

[Except the one time.]

WAIT, WAIT. YOU KNEW HE WAS A PROFESSIONAL THIEF BUT DIDN'T TAKE PART? I'M LOST. IS THAT A JOKE OR SOMETHING?

He's a thief, I'm not. The TV show I used to host hired him to do some non-theft work, and that's how we met. He told me about some of his less-than-legal jobs but I never saw it happen.

SOUNDS LIKE A FUN GUY. WHAT WAS YOUR TV SHOW ABOUT?

A history/travel thing. I'd fly to different historical sites and climb around and deliver some education with a side of scenery porn.

THAT SOUNDS REALLY COOL. ARE YOU DOING IT AGAIN HERE? I'D TOTALLY WATCH THAT.

Afraid not. I got into regular news before I came here. I'm trying to do the same now.

WELL, HEY, IF YOU DO THEN DO A REPORT OF PEOPLE USING FUCKING SHOVELS INSTEAD OF PLATES. INTERVIEW ME. I GOT A FACE FOR TV.

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