001 ☕︎ video

[hardboyled]

[The video feed opens up to a morose looking dude in a pale blue shirt and a bland tie with it's knot loosened heavily. Looks like someone's returned from a disappointing time out.]

Ladies and gentleman, it is with a heavy heart that I bring you this terrible news: The 4.7 rated restaurant, Maison d'etre has been lying to us all. Like you, I was fooled by the high praise it was receiving on such popular food blogs as "Good Morning Viet-nom!", "Let's Taco 'Bout Food" and "Making Ends Meat" who all labelled it a culinary adventure of locally sourced food.

However! [His voice breaks halfway through the word, wavering between anger and the desperate need to cry in disappointment.] I have since eaten there and can say with complete certainty that the only culinary adventure to be found in that excuse for a restaurant is the amount of imported ingredients they have on their menu! Even their corn is imported from Ukraine. Who can't find locally sourced corn in America?! I tell you, ladies and gentleman, I am just one big D right now. Disappointed!

[A sigh that's as weighty as the world itself, and... was that a small, barely restrained sob as he quickly bows his head? At least he's quick to compose himself, straightening himself up in his chair and puffing out his chest after a deep inhale.] But it's not all bad news. I, Charles Boyle, will be sure to continue conveying these injustices to the world!

And a few weeks from now, I'll also be sharing my knowledge of food to any folks willing to learn. Watch this space for Boiled Over, an imPort cooking show in front of a small live audience, set to delight and astound. [And just like that, his previous disappointment steadily creeps towards eagerness, because cooking is awesoooome.]

I'm sorry, I'm just so excited for this opportunity! Wow, what a rollercoaster of emotions this place is!

Comments

[hardboyled]

Like. Pokemon pokemon? What do you do with them? [Just trying to establish if these are the kind of pokemon he's thinking of.]

[h2no]

Uh. Yeah, Pokémon. Y'know like... train and battle them?

[offered cautiously, like he's expecting where this is going.]

[hardboyled]

Oooh, sure, sure, sure, sure! I gotcha. [Too cool. Actual pokemon!]

Thing is, we didn't really have them back where I'm from. We just had normal animals, and it's pretty illegal to fight them.

[h2no]

[he scratches his beard.]

Yeah, I heard about that. I've been accused of dog-fightin' and abusin' them but... I don't think people really get the difference in power level. Dogs here can't, like, break trees apart the way Mightyena can. If there's no outlet for that kinda power he'll get antsy and could hurt himself...

[hardboyled]

Wow, this guy has that much power?! [And yet Charles has zero fear because it's such a cute doggo, instead he reaffirms his attention and affection on it with an encouraging;] Who's a super powered doggie?! You are! Yes, you are!

[h2no]

[mightyena is so happy with the praise!! it barks loudly, licking at boyle again. yes! yes!! it's very powerful!!]

...Heh. I can show you some of the stuff he can do sometime.

[hardboyled]

[Yaaaas, puppy love!]

Seriously? That would be awesome. My dogs back home sure couldn't break trees, they mostly just humped a whole lot of things.

[h2no]

[he laughs.]

Well, he does that too. He's got two kids runnin' around, ain't ya?

[mightyean snuffles. okay, dad.]

D'ya think gettin' a dog here might be an idea? There's no replacin' the originals, but they give such a unique kind of companionship, don't ya think?

[hardboyled]

I couldn't possibly think of getting another right now. I've got so much to do! And what if I vanish back to wherever I came from?! [The idea of leaving a poor doggo alone is so sad. :c]

[h2no]

That's fair.

[he doubts charles will go for long without a dog. once you get one, you can't not have one.]

Oh-- what job did ya get?

[hardboyled]

[It's true, he'll probably have a dog way too soon, but he's settling in first.]

Get this: The cooking show is my job! That's what they gave me as a job. To think I'm gonna get paid for cooking!

[h2no]

Shit! That's amazin'!

[well, at least he got something he likes instead of some weird ironic job.]

I wanna get an autograph!

[hardboyled]

I haven't even done anything yet! The autographs are meant to come with fame, I'd be doing us both a disservice by signing anything now.

[Also fame is a scary as shit concept, why can't he just blend into the background?]

[h2no]

Here I was gonna hold onto it and sell it on eBay...

[a pause. he snorts.]

I'm joking! I'm joking!

[hardboyled]

Hey, but if it makes any money, I want 50% of the profit! It is my signature, after all.

[h2no]

Pssh. It's your penmanship. How 'bout we call it 90%?

[that's... not how deals work, archie.]

[hardboyled]

90% to you? Deal! You strike a hard bargain, my good sir. [No, seriously, that's not how any deal works ever. Who taught these two how to haggle?]

[h2no]

I meant to you-- [never mind.] -- Did we order?

[hardboyled]

Hah, I guess not. I got so distracted by your handsome dog and you.

[h2no]

Oh! Um.

[he goes Red.]

Thanks?

[hardboyled]

Sure!

[He did put the dog first on the handsome scale though, bro. But who wouldn't? Dogs are always handsome.]

So what are you getting?!

[h2no]

Straight vodka, I think.

[he holds his hands up.]

Which is not indicative of your company, it's just been that kinda day. I would've gone absinthe before we met up, so you brought me up a level!

[hardboyled]

Okaaaay, starting off strong, huh? I'll probably just get a beer... I can go get it! Don't go anywhere, I'll be quick!

[Not even waiting for an argument as he dashes off to the bar to get their order, doing his very best to be quick, while also not being pushy or rude to get served. It's such a hard balance to maintain. He soon returns with several drinks, plus a bowl of pretzels balanced on top of the glass of vodka.]

Here we go!

[h2no]

Yeah, I--

[oh off he goes. archie blinks dumbly, then looks down at mightyena. when charles is back, he grins and digs in his back pocket for a $20 bill.]

Here. I said I'd get! Arceus, ya move fast.

[hardboyled]

These little legs are speedier than you'd think! Especially when drinks are involved.

[Drinks are distributed and the pretzels are plonked down in the middle of the table for them both, as he takes up his previous seat once more.] Keep that, you can just get them next time. You get the honor of being the first person in this world that I've bought a drink for.