001 ☕︎ video

[hardboyled]

[The video feed opens up to a morose looking dude in a pale blue shirt and a bland tie with it's knot loosened heavily. Looks like someone's returned from a disappointing time out.]

Ladies and gentleman, it is with a heavy heart that I bring you this terrible news: The 4.7 rated restaurant, Maison d'etre has been lying to us all. Like you, I was fooled by the high praise it was receiving on such popular food blogs as "Good Morning Viet-nom!", "Let's Taco 'Bout Food" and "Making Ends Meat" who all labelled it a culinary adventure of locally sourced food.

However! [His voice breaks halfway through the word, wavering between anger and the desperate need to cry in disappointment.] I have since eaten there and can say with complete certainty that the only culinary adventure to be found in that excuse for a restaurant is the amount of imported ingredients they have on their menu! Even their corn is imported from Ukraine. Who can't find locally sourced corn in America?! I tell you, ladies and gentleman, I am just one big D right now. Disappointed!

[A sigh that's as weighty as the world itself, and... was that a small, barely restrained sob as he quickly bows his head? At least he's quick to compose himself, straightening himself up in his chair and puffing out his chest after a deep inhale.] But it's not all bad news. I, Charles Boyle, will be sure to continue conveying these injustices to the world!

And a few weeks from now, I'll also be sharing my knowledge of food to any folks willing to learn. Watch this space for Boiled Over, an imPort cooking show in front of a small live audience, set to delight and astound. [And just like that, his previous disappointment steadily creeps towards eagerness, because cooking is awesoooome.]

I'm sorry, I'm just so excited for this opportunity! Wow, what a rollercoaster of emotions this place is!

Comments

Text; Anonymous

[dirtyredneck]

Fuck you.



[An excessive wait later:]



I can't taste shit, that's why.

[text; emily goldfinch]

[pop_of_color]

fucking just

ignore boyle

he's used to it from me

[text; emily goldfinch]

[dirtyredneck]

he just fucking called me baby

[pop_of_color]

he fucking does that

no matter how many times we ask him to fucking stop

i can threaten him if it helps

[dirtyredneck]

It might.

He's begging to let me use his power now. It's weird.

[pop_of_color]

fucking charles

what the 'mouth feel' power? don't do it. dude eats the grossest shit. talked once about some digestivo meal or some shit and it was a like five course meal of a pig's digestive tract. swear to god.

[dirtyredneck]

you say that like it's a bad thing. not that I'm saying I'll let him use it cause good lord baby but
shit, pig is good eating no matter what part of it it is.

[pop_of_color]

right. i forgot you have a different .... diet than the rest of us

this might be a good match then

[dirtyredneck]

ain't gonna do it if he's gonna be weird about it. I can live with eating the way I have.

[pop_of_color]

there's nothing charles does that isn't weird so

either you get used to it or you ignore him

or both

[dirtyredneck]

He harmless?

[pop_of_color]

like an injured baby bird

awesome cop and good at his job but completely harmless otherwise

[dirtyredneck]

ok.

He calls me baby again, i'm gonna shoot him in the ass. Just so you know if he comes running with an arrow in it.

Text; Anonymous

[hardboyled]

[At least Boyle's used to abusive text messages thanks to people like Rosa. He's sure this anon texter is a totally nice person!]

Like. Food??

You can't taste food?

Omg.

That's so awful.

I'm so sorry.

That is literally the worst thing.

Of all the things. That is the actual worst!

:(

WAIT! Do you think I could help with it?!

Text; Anonymous

[dirtyredneck]

I can taste food. Just can't
Can't eat much cause it's too much
It's hard to find food I can taste right is what I mean.




Is why I was asking.

Text; Anonymous

[hardboyled]

Then look no further!

In the words of a wise man: I can be your hero, baby.

Actually I think that was Enrique.

But he was pretty wise for his time too.

So my point still stands.

Text; Anonymous

[dirtyredneck]

Forget I said anything.

Text; Anonymous

[hardboyled]

Oh God please don't go!

I'm so sorry.

I want this so bad!

Please let me help you.

Text; Anonymous

[dirtyredneck]

Never call me baby again.

Text; Anonymous

[hardboyled]

Roger that!

I'm here to help.

And not call you inappropriate nicknames.

[So just. Treat this guy like another Rosa? Easy enough.

Sort of, except Charles has no self control when it comes to saying embarrassing things. BUT HE'LL TRY!]

Text; Anonymous

[dirtyredneck]

So how does it work?

Text; Anonymous

[hardboyled]

It just kind of works.

We gotta be in the same place together.

And I gotta have sometime to taste.

Then the magic just kind of happens

At least I think so.

I haven't exactly had much of a chance to practice.

It could go horrifically wrong.

But probably not!

I'm sure it'll be fine!

:D

Text; Anonymous

[dirtyredneck]

Wanna taste pizza.

Text; Anonymous

[hardboyled]

Omg!

An amazing idea.

I'll have to search for the best one.

Obviously.

And we'll have to decide on a topping!

But it's doable!

Text; Anonymous

[dirtyredneck]

Pizza. Just pizza man. Don't gotta be fancy. Pick a cheap delivery place, ask for a pepperoni and be done with it.