001 ☕︎ video

[hardboyled]

[The video feed opens up to a morose looking dude in a pale blue shirt and a bland tie with it's knot loosened heavily. Looks like someone's returned from a disappointing time out.]

Ladies and gentleman, it is with a heavy heart that I bring you this terrible news: The 4.7 rated restaurant, Maison d'etre has been lying to us all. Like you, I was fooled by the high praise it was receiving on such popular food blogs as "Good Morning Viet-nom!", "Let's Taco 'Bout Food" and "Making Ends Meat" who all labelled it a culinary adventure of locally sourced food.

However! [His voice breaks halfway through the word, wavering between anger and the desperate need to cry in disappointment.] I have since eaten there and can say with complete certainty that the only culinary adventure to be found in that excuse for a restaurant is the amount of imported ingredients they have on their menu! Even their corn is imported from Ukraine. Who can't find locally sourced corn in America?! I tell you, ladies and gentleman, I am just one big D right now. Disappointed!

[A sigh that's as weighty as the world itself, and... was that a small, barely restrained sob as he quickly bows his head? At least he's quick to compose himself, straightening himself up in his chair and puffing out his chest after a deep inhale.] But it's not all bad news. I, Charles Boyle, will be sure to continue conveying these injustices to the world!

And a few weeks from now, I'll also be sharing my knowledge of food to any folks willing to learn. Watch this space for Boiled Over, an imPort cooking show in front of a small live audience, set to delight and astound. [And just like that, his previous disappointment steadily creeps towards eagerness, because cooking is awesoooome.]

I'm sorry, I'm just so excited for this opportunity! Wow, what a rollercoaster of emotions this place is!

Comments

[hardboyled]

[Basically just a man child. Deal with it, bro.]

Okay, you got me there. We've got some real dicks even in the 99, especially the higher ups. [Most of which seem intent on screwing with Charles' crew specifically, but that's a story for another time.] What is it you do to have contact with the Comish?

[viced]

Well, up until a year or two ago back home, I was the Mayor. So...we worked pretty closely together, as you do.

[ A Beat. ]

Did you, uh, have problems with corruption?

[hardboyled]

Ooh yeah. We sure do. It's no pre-90s New York, but anything as big and old as the NYPD is gonna have some rot, we're doing our best to cut it out, but it takes time. I'm sure you know what I mean. [Unless Mitch was the corruption!!!!!!!1one] Wait, did you say you were Mayor? Of New York?!

[viced]

I did yeah.

Was is the key word here. I've...moved on since then.

[hardboyled]

Moved on to what? How do you move on from that?!

[viced]

Well, it's not exactly better... New York will always be where my heart is.

But I was Vice President.

[hardboyled]

Vice President?! I'm talking to an actual Vice President? It's truly an honor, sir!

[viced]

Er -- thank you?

Promise, I eat and shit just like everyone else though. I just have a personality for politics and a need to serve. I have more respect for folks like you than I do for people like me because of it.

[hardboyled]

But you're making the real big changes, sir, the ones that really make a difference. Is that what you do in this world too?! Are you a double Vice President?

[viced]

Oh no, no birth certificate, no way to prove that I'm really a US citizen, let alone the technicality that I wasn't born on US soil here. Nobody would want me as the President if something happened.

I'm a US Senator instead. Still making changes, just not through unilateral action.

[hardboyled]

You're a Senator?! You've really made something of yourself in this world! How long have you been here to achieve that, sir?

[viced]

Er -- a few years? I was an Ambassador before that.

[hardboyled]

Wha-- You've been here for a few years?!

[viced]

Erm -- yeah.

[ A beat. ] I was an import in another place before that, though. So I've been away from home for... a lot longer.

[hardboyled]

There's more than one place that has imports?

[viced]

Not...anymore? There used to be.

[hardboyled]

God, this place is so weird. I didn't even think people could be around for that long. What if we never go home?!

[viced]

Most of us do, eventually. Even the most long-standing -- except for a few exceptions.

[hardboyled]

Like you. You're an exception?

[viced]

Un...fortunately.

I think I've been an import longer than almost everyone else.

[hardboyled]

Makes sense that you'd be the one to be the senator. Most experience to know what needs to be done. I bet you do fantastic work for us, sir. You'd have my vote! Y'know, if you ever needed it.

[viced]

Well -- I try.

Now this might be shooting myself in the foot, but I would recommend reading over my platform -- in case you get the chance to vote for me in six years.

[hardboyled]

You bet-- Six years?! I'm not sure I can cope here for six years!

[viced]

Shit, try eight.

[hardboyled]

That's so long. But, sir, if you want me to read over your platform and vote for you, I will absolutely do so! I mean, so long as your platform isn't supervillain levels of evil.