001 ☕︎ video

[hardboyled]

[The video feed opens up to a morose looking dude in a pale blue shirt and a bland tie with it's knot loosened heavily. Looks like someone's returned from a disappointing time out.]

Ladies and gentleman, it is with a heavy heart that I bring you this terrible news: The 4.7 rated restaurant, Maison d'etre has been lying to us all. Like you, I was fooled by the high praise it was receiving on such popular food blogs as "Good Morning Viet-nom!", "Let's Taco 'Bout Food" and "Making Ends Meat" who all labelled it a culinary adventure of locally sourced food.

However! [His voice breaks halfway through the word, wavering between anger and the desperate need to cry in disappointment.] I have since eaten there and can say with complete certainty that the only culinary adventure to be found in that excuse for a restaurant is the amount of imported ingredients they have on their menu! Even their corn is imported from Ukraine. Who can't find locally sourced corn in America?! I tell you, ladies and gentleman, I am just one big D right now. Disappointed!

[A sigh that's as weighty as the world itself, and... was that a small, barely restrained sob as he quickly bows his head? At least he's quick to compose himself, straightening himself up in his chair and puffing out his chest after a deep inhale.] But it's not all bad news. I, Charles Boyle, will be sure to continue conveying these injustices to the world!

And a few weeks from now, I'll also be sharing my knowledge of food to any folks willing to learn. Watch this space for Boiled Over, an imPort cooking show in front of a small live audience, set to delight and astound. [And just like that, his previous disappointment steadily creeps towards eagerness, because cooking is awesoooome.]

I'm sorry, I'm just so excited for this opportunity! Wow, what a rollercoaster of emotions this place is!

Comments

[slightlyoffchilt]

It is true that I have excellent taste in friends and a good sense of companionship.

[He said. Without irony.]

[hardboyled]

[Totally believing it.]

I don't doubt it, Doctor! I have literally no reason to skeptic about your excellent taste. [But more importantly:] Soooo, when's the wedding?!

[slightlyoffchilt]

The -- oh. Well, we were thinking of a... Spring affair, or maybe next autumn.

[hardboyled]

Spring, definitely go spring, it's sooner and I don't wanna miss it.

[slightlyoffchilt]

It is sooner, isn't it? Very soon.

[Too soon.]

[hardboyled]

Otherwise you're waiting a a year, and who knows what things will be like by then?! A world like this changes so much, maybe it's the Universe's way of making us grab the moment by the horns! No regrets!

[slightlyoffchilt]

I think you are coping a little too well with this abrupt universe.

[hardboyled]

Do you think so?! I think the initial twenty-four hours of non-stop crying definitely helped.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Oh, wow. Not... Many people would right immediately own up to that. [Fascinating.] Are you sure you are okay now, or is this but a reprieve?

[hardboyled]

Eh, I'm good. Helps that I'm meeting people and makin' new friends, but definitely not replacing old ones. My papa always said to keep your head down and just keep going, and if things get really tough, curl up in a ball and pretend to be dead. Pill bugging has saved many a Boyle.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Your father recommended that technique? I mean... Your own father?

[hardboyled]

Yup! I can't even name the amount of times I've used that one piece of advice. He's so wise.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Mr. Boyle, I might suggest that you consider more... Aggressive tactics. In terms of dealing with conflict.

[hardboyled]

With all due respect, Doc, I've been playin' this sweet move for over forty years and it's always worked out just fine. I'll save the aggression for the alphas.

[slightlyoffchilt]

The alphas -- all right, I disagree with that personality hierarchy concept in general, but for the sake of argument I will work with it. Just -- so I understand -- you are willingly choosing a subservient social role because you find it comfortable after decades of similar behavior?

[hardboyled]

Comfortable and safe. It's not subservience, it's just... letting other people do what they want at your own expense.

[slightlyoffchilt]

How is that not subservience? Do you at least have a safe word?

[hardboyled]

"Please don't hit me" is usually a great safe word. Say it pathetically enough and you'll never get hit.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Mr. Boyle. [He is! Aghast!] You can't be serious.

That is no way to live.

[hardboyled]

I'm really not seeing the problem here, Doctor. It's a Boyle way of life, passed from generation to generation, we're a surprisingly hardy breed, and that's partly thanks to our passive nature.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Survival in no small part due to pity. Mr. Boyle, I appreciate your expertise in rolling over, but surely sometimes you feel the need to grab the bull by the horns -- so to speak?

Sometimes you need to take control.

[hardboyled]

If duty calls for it, sure. I protect and serve. Or, at least I did back home. But sometimes aggression and guns get you no where, and life requires a softer touch. I've actually got really soft hands, just for your info.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Why -- Why would I need to know that? Why is that for my info?

[hardboyled]

I dunno. In case you were wondering? That's a weird thing to ask. [Yes, Chilton, you're the weirdo here.]

[slightlyoffchilt]

I assure you, I have never before thought about your hands. Their texture included.