audio;

[iampretty]

[you can hear the ambient noise of a restaurant in the background.]

Well! Now that I've figured out how this device works, I should probably introduce myself. My name is Hans, Prince of the Southern Isles and fellow imPort. I've met some of you at the party-oh, let me just swap this to the video for a moment.

[And then, he fiddles for a moment and manages to turn the video on: Hans is sitting in what looks like a restaurant-decidedly not the Hard Rock Cafe (though the eagle-eyed viewer can catch the edges of the Hard Rock Cafe logo on his black work polo. He's broadcasting this from his lunch break.]

Is it working? It should be working. [He shrugs, waves at the camera, then clicks it back off, swapping to audio.]

Anyway, it's become more and more obvious to me that I know next to nothing about this land. So, I'd appreciate any knowledge about customs and traditions of America. I already know about your president, thanks to Nelson, but what about your courts, your military strength, what it takes to get married, things like that?

[why yes he deliberately picked that last topic, sorry not sorry Anna.]

Any information would be appreciated!

twenty-three swords skewer the wrong things.

[swordedpast]

[ video ]

[ Archer stands in one aisle of a small supermarket, staring grimly at a shelf not currently visible. Finally, he speaks. ]

An entire aisle of variations of something called "Hamburger Helper." I see. The situation here is really more dire than I imagined.

[ There's only a faint hint of sarcasm to his voice--maybe even less than usual. He's really affronted by this, as much as he might try to deny it. ]

I had hoped to hold off on sharing this guide I'd prepared, but it seems it can't be helped. Here. I'm giving you my wisdom as someone who's had to learn a thing or two about cooking over the years, so appreciate it.

[ Click. ]

[ switch to text ]

I've compiled a helpful guide that this place's cuisine seems to be in need of. Please take note.

Places "Jell-O" Belongs
♦ On a plate at the bedside of an ill person who cannot hold down solid food.
♦ In a quivering mass in front of the swords and spells of our heroes in a roleplaying game.

Places "Jell-O" Does Not Belong
♦ Anything referred to as a salad.
♦ Seafood dishes. Seafood dishes.
♦ An entire cake.
♦ Any mixture of vegetables, whether or not you consider it distinct from a salad.
♦ Near, around, beneath, or on top of eggs.
♦ Mixed into liver pate.

Attached: a nightmarish image. Access carefully.

Additional note: mayonnaise also does not belong in most places you wouldn't put jello.