paper 003 ☈ [video]

[acrobrat]

[A pensive Anita is sitting on the side of her bed, with a large frog plushie on one side and a frog-shaped pillow on her lap. She rests her elbows on said pillow, and rests her chin on her hands.]

Okay. I've been here for two months, and I don't think there's anyone who came from the same place as me around here. [It's probably a good thing because she kind of caused trouble back home, but the trade-off is that she doesn't have Nenene or her sisters with her.]

[She reaches out off-screen to get a bottle of milk from the top of her bedside table, and drains half of it in one go. Anita doesn't seem to know or care that she is now addressing everyone with a milk mustache.] 

Anyway, I just wanna ask - how many of you are here with friends from home? Or enemies? Or...well, anyone who came from the world you know? I'm wondering if this world plays favorites with all the other worlds and universes out there.

...Oh, and I got a job with the police department. I'm a Junior Assistant Detective now, so my stationery-designing days are over. [Say hello to your tiny colleague, law enforcement folk. It's not as thrilling as being a bodyguard, but she'll take it if it puts food on the table.]

003 | Video

[purgation]

Good afternoon, imPorts. Most of you know me, but for those of you who do not, my name is Yuri Petrov.

[The man onscreen bows his head politely before straightening in his office chair. But it's a weekend, why is he working, you ask? Yuri knows not the meaning of the word weekend! He is a veritable workaholic, unabashedly so.]

I would like to take a moment today to speak with you about a matter that is very close to us all, if only because it pertains to a position we all find ourselves in. I am referring less to the point of our being in this world, and more to the fact that we have been given the opportunity to turn our unfortunate circumstances into something full of promise.

How can we do that, you ask? Let me explain.

[Yuri smiles, though the expression cannot be said to interrupt the rest of his professional countenance; it is very...impersonal.]

It is my job as a Registered Heroics Advertising Manager to assist you in accomplishing feats that will benefit you, your fellows, and the native citizens of this country and the rest of this world. Of course, my services are almost entirely exclusive to Registered Heroes, but I am not unable to help those of you who may be considering future Registration, either.

[A loophole he has conveniently worked in there so that he may be of assistance to those who may not necessarily want to Register, as he is not actually an advocate for Registration...despite being Registered, himself.]

For example, if you are lacking in finances to support yourself, I can help you find sponsors who will support your work in exchange for some advertising on your part. If you are having difficulty adapting to your surroundings or you find yourself requiring some guidance due to language or technological barriers, I can offer my services as someone who can be a confidant or a tutor. Furthermore, this line of work attracts conflict and misunderstanding; should you find yourself in the midst of a legal conundrum, I would be more than happy to advise you. Which isn't to say that you are limited to what aid I can offer, because you are not. In many cases, particularly those I have already mentioned, if you require special guidance, I can put you in contact with professionals who will respect your confidentiality and do their utmost to provide for you the appropriate care and relief.

[He gestures, palms open and up, as if to the network.]

Let us work together towards a brighter tomorrow and a secure future for us all.

[Yuri's e-mail and business phone number both appear, as if on cue, at the bottom of the screen.

Almost as an afterthought, and just as he is reaching toward the device to turn it off, the former judge adds...]

To the individuals occupying residence #017 in Heropa's government housing, I thank you for having me as long as you did, but I have now found my own place to call home in Heropa. I wish you all the best.

[Said residents will receive one thank you basket of various boxed chocolates, teas, and flavored coffees that will be left upon the dining room table for them to find. Attached to it is Yuri's business card.]

text (02)

[glitterateur]

SUMMERWEEN SALE!!!

HEY EVERYBODY the candy store in heropa is having a HUGE SALE this weekend!! we're clearing out a bunch of inventory to make room for the stuff next month so there are AWESOME deals!! you could buy a ton of suckers or gummy worms for like no money right now, how cool is that?? and imports get extra percent off!

PLUS!! if you mention that MABEL sent you (me, mabel pines!) or that you're a friend of WADDLES then you also get a neat free gift! and also if enough people say my name then i might get a bonus which would super help me afford the giant hamster ball i want

so please come to heropa and buy candy

thank you ♥!!

Video

[real_archer]

[The video starts abruptly, but it's definitely not Artemis's voice that comes through. It's Wally West, and he's giggling to himself like he's the funniest motherfucker he's ever met.

The view opens up on the popular Florida waterpark, Wet N' Wild. The video is a little shaky, and Wally's voice is muted like he's trying to keep quiet and hidden.

Also, his Artemis impression is terrible.]

Hey, like, this is Artemis and odds are I probably hate you and think you're pathetic.

( Cut for length, language (WALLY), dumb teens, and butts in swimsuits. Yes, you heard correct. Cut for butts. )