001 | video

[ferrisbuellean]

[The video feed pans on to a well dressed, perfectly presented guy offering a winning smile as he sits in the booth of some fancy bar, all wood and leather, while nursing a glass of whiskey. Someone else is holding the camera and there's enough shaky cam and unfocused zooming to make the Bourne franchise jealous.]

Hey there. Do you like watching a ridiculously good looking man do law stuff? Want to watch him play some nondescript puzzle game on his phone for an entire hour? If yes, then have I got a surprise for you. If no, watch it anyway because apparently I need the ratings.

Jeff Winger here, Lawyer at Large and city hero bringing you a brand new series about me. [Another oh-so charming smile and a dramatic point to the camera.] And law!

Danger! Intrigue! Thrills! These are some things you'll probably never see in my show, but watch it anyway because hey, you might just strike it lucky. And ladies, you might just strike it lucky with me.

[Smirk smirk smirk, pause and then a glance off camera to someone, smugness replaced with a curious furrow of brows.] You guys do know I was disbarred ri-- [And the feed ends.]

Comments

[slightlyoffchilt]

I can quite honestly say that I anticipate high antics. In fact, if you're looking for guest stars for your... Legal reality television show? Whatever genre that might be -- anyway, I know a few entertaining individuals.

There's a man named Officer Hank Schrader here.

[ferrisbuellean]

Uh, I think the term you're looking for is documentary. [Duh face, so classy.]

This Hank guy an actual officer? Because I'm usually on the defence side. I'm the guy putting them back out, not keeping them in if y'know what I mean? Officers don't always appreciate the skill it takes to unravel their hard work.

[slightlyoffchilt]

That is definitely not the word I had in mind, actually.

-- Defense? Well that's interesting. It might make for good ratings, don't you think? The conventionally attractive, cocky defense lawyer embattled with the much rounder, much angrier former DEA agent who has since been downgraded.

I doubt I'm wrong to suggest that you probably don't respect authority.

[ferrisbuellean]

If you count a declawed DEA agent as authority, then sure.

How much rounder are we talking about anyway? Because I'm not sure I'm ready to share my screen time, but if he's going to make me look even better then I might make an exception.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Fair enough point.

Oh, I do indeed believe that he'd make you look all the better. Subjectively speaking, of course.

[ferrisbuellean]

Then maybe I'd consider a few guests on the show. Apparently there needs to be more viewing than just me playing Cwazy Cupcakes anyway.

What exactly is it you do? Are you Hanks agent?

[slightlyoffchilt]

Not at all. I'm a psychiatrist -- Doctor Chilton.

[ferrisbuellean]

That explains a lot. You his boyfriend?

[slightlyoffchilt]

Are you asking these kinds of questions as a defensive mechanism? No doubt it has been traumatic for you, being torn from your natural universe. People can cope through repression, and deflection.

It's okay. Almost normal, even.

[ferrisbuellean]

Are you purposely avoiding the question as a defensive mechanism?

[slightlyoffchilt]

I am not Hank Schrader's boyfriend. I do not know who Hank Schrader's boyfriend happens to be.

[ferrisbuellean]

There now, that wasn't so hard, was it?

In return, I'll honor your previous by saying I am oddly okay with all of this. Traumatic hasn't even come into it.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Is that because you're highly adaptable, or because you're very skilled in repression and denial?

[ferrisbuellean]

A little from column a and a little from column b. That and this 12 year old whiskey. Were you hoping for something a little more dramatic?

[slightlyoffchilt]

Substance abuse and behavior associated with abandonment issues is not quite what I'm looking for in patients. Perhaps I could recommend Doctor Crane?

He surely has experience in both.

[ferrisbuellean]

I tried therapy for a bit. Didn't really work out. Thanks anyway.

Can we get back on the topic of why you're obsessed with this Hank guy? I feel like a little UST between officer and psychiatrist might spice up the show even more.

[slightlyoffchilt]

I am not obsessed with anyone. [And without missing a beat:] Why didn't your brief treatment benefit you? "A bit", you said. Would that have anything to do with commitment problems?

[Speaking of deflection!]

[ferrisbuellean]

Wow, are we just going to keep switching like this every exchange? Because it really doesn't make for easy editing. You gotta stay on topic, buddy, otherwise this'll never make the cut.

[slightlyoffchilt]

I'm here to suggest personalities for your "documentary", not partake in it.

[ferrisbuellean]

Look, you're obviously an interesting character, if a little neurotic. The viewers might like it.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Neurotic? [This comes after a deadened pause.] Care to elaborate on your diagnosis?

[ferrisbuellean]

Nah, I'm not a psych major. Not qualified. I'm just a watcher of the people. A voice for the people-- Actually I could use that in a tagline.

Look, all I'm saying is you clearly have some sorta issues going on. Whether it's obsession, anxiety, manipulation... I don't know. I'm not judging. Be who you gotta be. I was practically a compulsive liar for several decades. Still am. Maybe that was a lie, who knows?!

[slightlyoffchilt]

Compulsive liars are often charming. [Was that a compliment? MAYBE.] And perhaps that's why I still find myself interested in aiding your television project -- if you require the outsourcing, of course.

But imPorts are far more likely to support anything that directly involves them.

[schrader]

[ WHY THIS? ]

[slightlyoffchilt]

[Don't you want to be FAMOUS?]