001 | Video

[moneyballer]

Okay, so this superhero gig? Best. Thing. Ever!

[Each word is accompanied by animated hand gestures and unnecessary head bobbing. Better get used to it.]

Yo, this is frickin’ awesome! I mean, I wanted to defend the law and all, but this? This is better than all the wet dreams I’ve ever had! And, phew! I’ve had some great ones. Madonna? She may be old, but that chick can get it.

[Why is he gesturing to the viewer like he won an Oscar or something? What the hell is his problem?]

Some guys wouldn’t be caught dead walking around in spandex and a pair of tighty-whities, but… You can’t deny that this bodacious badonkadonk-

[Asher sets the device on the table in front of him, doing a twirl for the camera. Oh god, is that a booty pop? It is. Someone stop this man.]

Would look great in a supersuit.

Comments

[moneyballer]

[And so Asher does as he's told.

Look at how the camera is shaking. That's his hand. That's his quivering, douchey hand (god knows where that's been today).]

[selfequipped]

So, Asher ... [she says his name because she can see it, and hey, it adds to the effect of what she's doing.]

There's an old lady in the corner watching you. Leering, really.

You might wanna get out of there.

[moneyballer]

Okay, wait a sec-

What kind of leering are we talking here? 'Cause, I don't mind having any undead admirers around. They can stare all they like.

[priorities asher...]

[selfequipped]

Oh, it's definitely the "watch your back, she might have a butcher knife" kind of leering.

[moneyballer]

[And right at that moment, Asher thrusts his phone at the wall instinctively.

Oh, yeah. He's also screaming like a girl.]

[selfequipped]

Hey, Asher, be careful with this thing, it's very useful!

Especially since I was, ah, just messing with you.

[moneyballer]

W-wha? Messing with me?

[He peers out of the woodwork like an ostrich that's just been displaced from its nest.]

Yo, dawg! Don't mess with a guy's heart like that, okay? That scared the crap outta-

[deep breaths deep breaths Asher]

Uh, like, don't do that ever again. Please.

[selfequipped]

You were kind of asking for it.

[So, that's a little mean. But he almost broke his very important communicator! That's a thing.]

So, uh, welcome?

[moneyballer]

I'm not from a world where people have superpowers! Before all this stuff, I was a normal guy!

[After he calms down a bit, he looks at the camera with a smug grin on his face.]

A normal handsome guy.

[selfequipped]

That last bit is definitely up for debate.

As for the rest, "normal" is a world with superheroes for me. Kind of a different boat, you know?

[moneyballer]

Debate all you like! I know I'm fresh to death.

[How uncute.]

Oh? This is normal for you? Man! Your world sounds a lot cooler than mine.

[selfequipped]

Fresh to death sounds like dead but uncooked meat. [It feels important to point out.]

And it's definitely cooler. Sorry, I can't really imagine not having superhero aspirations these days.

[moneyballer]

Uh, well... You don't have to have powers and a costume to be, like! A superhero. Pfft.

[Even though his comment is standoffish, he does mean that.

What about firefighters? Teachers? Lawyers?

People who, even in this cruel world, still believe in doing the right thing.]

[selfequipped]

You are absolutely right! But look at where we are. Someone disagrees.