001 | Video

[moneyballer]

Okay, so this superhero gig? Best. Thing. Ever!

[Each word is accompanied by animated hand gestures and unnecessary head bobbing. Better get used to it.]

Yo, this is frickin’ awesome! I mean, I wanted to defend the law and all, but this? This is better than all the wet dreams I’ve ever had! And, phew! I’ve had some great ones. Madonna? She may be old, but that chick can get it.

[Why is he gesturing to the viewer like he won an Oscar or something? What the hell is his problem?]

Some guys wouldn’t be caught dead walking around in spandex and a pair of tighty-whities, but… You can’t deny that this bodacious badonkadonk-

[Asher sets the device on the table in front of him, doing a twirl for the camera. Oh god, is that a booty pop? It is. Someone stop this man.]

Would look great in a supersuit.

Comments

[moneyballer]

I live in this house, you-

[Asher stops himself mid-sentence. He refrains from using colorful language at this point in time, and his unsteady hands rest at his sides. A breath leaves his lips, the sound is something like that of a sigh.]

This is where they stationed me when I got here.

[Uncertainty takes hold of him with cold, clammy fingers. His eyes dart from the floor to the wall as he waits for a response. What can they do, kick him out? They're kids.

He's going stay, no matter what.

It's better this way.]

[glitterateur]

The government guys do that sometimes. His story checks out! [Mabel walks a circle around Asher, inspecting him. She thought they were done assigning her roommates after Jemma left, and now that she's got her brother she's not as desperately lonely. They can have standards now for people allowed in the Mysteries and Sticker Shack (name in progress). This guy can dance and he's willing to be part of her entourage, but is he worthy?]

Hmmmm.... okay. [She stops, standing front of Asher and staring him down. Mabel looks very serious, and it's adorable.]

If you're gonna live here, we need to know some things. Important things. Question one! Do you like pigs? Question two! What are your thoughts on pancakes? What about pancakes with chocolate chips?

[moneyballer]

[pigs????

yes they're adorable and weird and dirty he does like them (because he is one)]

I love me a good slice of bacon in the morning.

[BAD DA Y NOT WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY]

And as for pancakes, I'll, heh!

[He throws his shouldersback, closing his eyes and nodding confidently.]

I'll let you in on a little secret. Turns out this bad boy-

[he's pointing to himself unfortunately]

Can make a mean stack of those.

[ursawhiner]

...Mabel, hide the pigs. This man is a monster.

[A bacon eating monster!!]

[moneyballer]

You're not vegetarian... Are you?

[he's reading this all wrong

asher you want to be a lawyer

get with the program]

[glitterateur]

No, but I have pigs! Super pigs. And they're very sensitive to hostile environments.

[To prove the point (because this guy looks like he needs evidence for things) she summons a little pink pig. There's an oink as it appears right next to her, and it gently sniffs Asher's shoes.]

So I would appreciate it if you didn't say the b-word around them.

[moneyballer]

[Asher would say something in response, but at the moment, his eyes widen at the sight before him. Once again, to himself:]

That's a lot of mouths to feed... And poop to shovel.

[ursawhiner]

The pigs don't actually poop. But the kitten definitely does.

...Why do you care about our poop anyways?

[moneyballer]

There may be plenty of animals in this house, but I don't want it to smell like a barn.

[He's trying, okay.]

Are we clear?

[glitterateur]

[Way to sound like their mom, Asher.]

...yes? We have a cat at home, we know how to take care of it and the poop smells! Don't worry.

Anyway, hi. I'm Mabel, this is Dipper. Nice to meet you.

[moneyballer]

[Asher doesn't have too much experience with kids who aren't family, but he does like the little scamps, believe it or not.

And so he extends a fist towards Mabel, provoking a fist bump.]

Yo! Asher Millstone, playboy extraordinnaire.

[no]

Nice to meetcha! Big M, Lil' D.

[After a moment, he laughs at that.]

Haha! Little D.

[ursawhiner]

H-hey! That's not... You don't know what you're talking about!

[This boy's face is so red, oh no.]

[moneyballer]

Calm down, little dude!

[Asher chuckles at Dipper's dismay, folding his arms over his chest.

Maybe it's weird, but he has a feeling that no matter how hard this is going to be, it'll be rewarding. At least he got stuck with two relatively normal children (or so he thinks). This is better than being put alongside someone who'd just bully the crap out of him.]

It's just a nickname. I don't mean any harm by it. Besides! Every little D becomes a big D someday! Am I right?

[no that's not right]

[glitterateur]

Yeah, Dipper! It's okay, one day you'll be a big D. [Asher see what you've done.] In the meantime-- Alpha Twin Big M!

And hi, Asher. It's nice to meet you and welcome to your new super-home.

[moneyballer]

Not gonna lie- I'm feeling pretty welcome right about now.

[Asher has to chuckle at that. Come on, it's super funny. He then turns his attention to Dipper.]

Hey! Little guy.

Don't let the haters get to you. Like I said before, if you get mad, they'll just egg you on more. Chill! Go with the flow. Do you!

[Asher finally makes his way towards the door, resting his hand on the nob before turning it.]

And seriously, get some sleep you two.

[Asher's already planning on making them breakfast.

No bacon! Right.]

[ursawhiner]

We'll sleep when we want! It's not like we have school or anything.

[He sighs.]

Good night, I guess.

[moneyballer]

When you get older, trust me. You'll totally wish you had slept a lot more.

[Asher nods at Dipper before heading out.]

Goodnight!

[As he walks to bed, Asher feels that invisible weight on his shoulders again.

This is a lot of responsibility for him to handle- Two kids, some superpowers, and a buttload of responsibilities. There's nobody here to help him, and while it's great to finally be distanced from his family name, to just be Asher instead of one of the Millstones, it's scary.

Maybe he'll be able to sleep it off.]