001 | Video

[moneyballer]

Okay, so this superhero gig? Best. Thing. Ever!

[Each word is accompanied by animated hand gestures and unnecessary head bobbing. Better get used to it.]

Yo, this is frickin’ awesome! I mean, I wanted to defend the law and all, but this? This is better than all the wet dreams I’ve ever had! And, phew! I’ve had some great ones. Madonna? She may be old, but that chick can get it.

[Why is he gesturing to the viewer like he won an Oscar or something? What the hell is his problem?]

Some guys wouldn’t be caught dead walking around in spandex and a pair of tighty-whities, but… You can’t deny that this bodacious badonkadonk-

[Asher sets the device on the table in front of him, doing a twirl for the camera. Oh god, is that a booty pop? It is. Someone stop this man.]

Would look great in a supersuit.

Comments

[moneyballer]

Alright bub. Here you go! With your fake "I'm totally a good guy!" attitude. Well, I'm not buyin' it.

[Hissing:]

I know an impostor when I see one.

[HE's REAL???????????]

1/2

[andaway]

[Okay, so he has to prove himself. Sure, why not. This place is already weird enough but no one had actually asked him to prove himself.]

Give me a second...

[andaway]

[Sure enough he's back a few seconds later, holding what looks to be a very big, very heavy piece of metal. He shows it to the camera until he's sure he's seen it. And then, with a bit of super strength and a touch of heat- vision to melt the right parts of the metal... he turns it into a metallic version of his S-shield.

He holds it up for the camera to see, raising an eyebrow. Ta-Da.

Any questions?]

[moneyballer]

'Tch! I can like-

[Asher folds his arms. Unfortunately, Asher's powers are very similar to Superman's. X-ray vision and Superstrength! This is gonna be a massacre.]

I can do that.

[oh no

stop him]

[andaway]

[He rolls his eyes because figures. Why is he so determined to prove himself to this kid anyway? It is a mystery.]

Hold that thought. [And he hangs up.]

action!

[andaway]

[Aaand there's someone knocking on your window a couple seconds latter, Asher.]

Re: action!

[moneyballer]

[As Asher is the only grown-up in his household (to be honest, Dipper is probably the most mature person at that residence), he walks to answer the door. Even though he's in a city full of psychopaths, he doesn't think much of answering the door.

When he does see Clark's face, he screams and points and accusing finger at the other man.]

S-s-stalker!

[Feeling alarmed, he slams the door shut, and as he does, he presses his back against the wall.

God, that man was beautiful. What the hell! Whose chin is that huge and perfect?!?! Maybe he is the real deal...]

OOPS must have accidentally deleted this notif

[andaway]

[Sorry, but Kal is totally losing it on the other side of the door and laughing out loud. This is the weirdest thing that's happened to him in this place- and he was totally convinced he was a D&D character once, so his threshold of weird is pretty high.]

I'm not! A stalker, I mean. I'm just proving who I am. [Yes he's screaming it so he can ehar it.]

[moneyballer]

[He almost opens the door because a part of him wants to see that magnificent chin again, but he screams in response-]

DUDE?! HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW WHERE I LIVE!

That's frickin' creepy!

[andaway]

I followed your voice. You do talk a lot.

[...That doesn't really make it sound any less creepy, Kal.] And I promise I won't do it again.

[moneyballer]

I don't trust you, you...

[He's practically spitting:]

Impostor!

[Really, though.

This guy did seem like he had Superman's powers. Reaction time, speed, superhearing...

But? Superman wasn't a stalker! Right?]

[andaway]

[He sighs. Come on, let's make it easier:]

What would I need to do to prove it?