♋ 001 TEXT;

[bloodpressured]

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF







OKAY. YES. OKAY.

WELL, HELLO THERE, HUMANS. ALL OF YOU ARE LOOKING VERY ALIVE AND I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING A PLEASANT DAY, GOING ABOUT YOUR VARIOUS BUSINESSES SUCH AS "BEING ON PLANET EARTH" AND "EXISTING" AND "HOLY SHIT, WHAT." SO NO NEED TO STOP DOING THAT IF I'M INTERRUPTING!

HEY, LISTEN, I GET IT, IF I HAD SOME IMPORTANT SHIT TO GET DONE AND THEN SOME CLUELESS LOBELEAKER TRIED BARGING IN AND DEMANDING TO BE CAUGHT UP TO SPEED, I'D BE PRETTY FED UP WITH THAT MYSELF. AS THOUGH SOMEHOW YOU SHOULD ALL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS IGNORANCE, RIGHT? MAYBE THERE'S A REASON NO ONE BROUGHT HIM INTO THE LOOP, NOT THAT HE EVER STOPPED TO CONSIDER HOW IT MIGHT AFFECT YOU.

SO YEAH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT. SOME PEOPLE MIGHT LAUNCH INTO SOME SORT OF SELF-IMPORTANT SCREED THAT WOULD BE MORE ACCURATELY CHARACTERIZED AS A SHITFIT, DEMANDING INFORMATION AS THOUGH THEY'RE ENTITLED TO IT AND FLINGING CAUSTIC REMARKS AND OBSCENITIES AT ANYONE FOOLISH ENOUGH TO GET IN TYPING RANGE, BUT NOT ME.

I'LL JUST BE OVER HERE WAITING PATIENTLY, STARING AROUND ME IN SLACK JAWED WONDER LIKE A CONTENT AND EXTREMELY CORDIAL BARKBEAST, WELL AWARE OF HIS OWN RELATIVE LACK OF SIGNIFICANCE IN THIS AND ALL UNIVERSES AND TOTALLY AT PEACE WITH IT. SERIOUSLY, I'M BOGGLING AT THESE DEVELOPMENTS BUT ALSO WISED UP TO THE TRUTH THAT THIS IS MERELY ONE OF MANY THINGS I AM NOT QUALIFIED TO EITHER CONTRIBUTE TO OR UNDERSTAND.

OH, BUT, AND THIS IS A SUPER, SUPER LOW PRIORITY, JUST IF YOU HAVE A SPARE MOMENT AND YOU AREN'T TOO TIRED FROM HUMANING ALL DAY, WOULD SOMEONE MIND JUST LETTING ME KNOW: WHAT THE FUCK?

THANKS IN ADVANCE!!!

Comments

text.

[glowsferatu]

youre sulking

[ in all the times she's seen him arrive for the first time, (is this the fourth? she has trouble keeping count. but then the first time he was there before her so it might not count.) she has never seen him sulk at the start. it's surreal. ]

okay listen i know you were soliciting human response but im sure youll be fine with me instead
youre in a completely new and unrelated universe
theres kind of a lot of fuck to what at so explaining the entirety of the situation is complicated in any sort of condensed setting

but before i get into the ordeal a proper response would require
well
are you alright

[bloodpressured]

NO THAT'S CRAZY. YOU MUST BE JOKING, WHAT WOULD THERE POSSIBLY BE TO SULK ABOUT. DID I MENTION HOW MUCH I ENJOY GETTING TO TAG ALONG ON ADVENTURES LIKE THIS WITHOUT THE PRESUMABLY TOTAL DOWNER OF HAVING TO KNOW WHAT THE NEXT EXCITING DEVELOPMENT WILL BE? IT'S MUCH BETTER TO GET TO OBSERVE WITH FRESH GANDERBULBS UNFETTERED BY ANY EXPECTATIONS.

DID WE. MAKE EARTH AGAIN SOMEHOW? IS THAT WHAT HAPPENED? IS THIS SOMETHING TO DO WITH ECHIDNA OR IS IT SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY? DID WE KNOW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN? BY "WE" I OBVIOUSLY DON'T MEAN "I," I'LL BE ON RECORD AS HAVING NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT'S GOING ON.

AUDIO;

[bestever]

Sorry, wait. So you apparently think that asking for information around here qualifies as throwing a tantrum, and then turn around and ask for information. You know that dressing it up doesn't really work if you dress it up in a miniature tantrum of its own, right?

AUDIO;

[bloodpressured]

I said "if you have a spare moment." Did I fail to be obsequious enough in my request?

Listen I am an expert in this, I have enough first hand experience to write the tourist's guide and I can tell you that no matter how engorged with unspilled yell secretions your bileflaps may be, opening your screamhole and and drenching a human listener is an exercise in futility. Your kind doesn't react correctly to verbal lashings, and now you're telling me that even my display of passive aggression, finely honed from years of observation in the wild, has failed to gain me acceptance with the locals? You still feel the need to pester me with pedantic readings of my tantrum instead of offering a friendly frond to a curious alien.

Whatever, I give up. Please, take your time and do another read through if there are any other flaws in my logic.

video

[resipiscent]

Didn't they give you a file? And there's a brochure. It'll get you up to speed on "the fuck".

[Did a Disney character just swear? Riku doesn't drop F-bombs all that often, but this time seemed appropriate.]

video

[bloodpressured]

Oh, the brochure. The brochure! How can I have possibly forgotten about the brochure! Thank you, all of my questions are answered now. Every time a new question occurs to me, I'll read it over again and reach full satisfaction.

Except for the small fact, which admittedly you could not possibly know, that none of this is supposed to exist. This planet is not supposed to be here for us to be mysteriously summoned to and injected with "nanites" in in the first place.

video forever

[flammatory]

[Thanks to the translation function, Zuko can actually read this, but it just results in him crinkling his nose up in impatience at the meandering length of it.

Because he's matured lately, thank you, he manages to keep his reaction to a somewhat glum,] So I'm guessing this is as weird for you as it is for me.

[Frankly he keeps expecting to wake up.]

video

[bloodpressured]

Not to squat and take a dump all over your commisatory overture, but seeing as you're human and I'm not, probably significantly moreso for me.

[lisping]

ii 2ee youve been working on 2arca2m
2eriou2ly though ii thiink KN know2 the mo2t

[bloodpressured]

WHOA.
UH.
HEY, MAN.
YEAH, I TALKED TO HER, IT DIDN'T ILLUMINATE ALL THAT MUCH BUT SEEING AS SHE'S APPARENTLY BEEN HERE FOR TWO SWEEPS I WOULDN'T EXPECT ANYONE ELSE TO TRY TO GIVE ME THE LOW DOWN OVER AGAIN.
SO YOU'RE HERE.

audio;

[bassriff]

Yikes. You get it all out of your system? [yeah she's not taking this seriously.]

audio;

[bloodpressured]

Not even close.

I'm curious, though. What's the typical reaction here. When you get a new passenger on this runaway fucktrain to Bullshit Town how does the "intro" typically go.

'Well, hey, folks! Nice to meet you, call me Karkat. Guess we all got summoned here and no one knows why. Hah, what're you gonna do? I don't know about you guys but I'm practically pissing my plastic-wrapped excitement shorts ready to get down to fighting some communists for our new overlords.'

[ Text ]

[enucleation]

They supposedly gave you a file and a brochure.

If they didn't, here is the brochure. I can't help you with the file, you'd have to ask the government.

[bloodpressured]

THANK YOU.
I AM, IN FACT, AWARE OF THE BROCHURE. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I RETROACTIVELY DECIDED MY THANK YOU WASN'T SARCASTIC, THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME A LINK TO THAT BROCHURE AND NOT RIDING MY ASS OVER WHETHER I'M CHEERFUL ENOUGH ABOUT PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCES.

text

[servesthehuman]

[ there is so much here that Owen can comment on, but instead he just chooses to focus on one small thing. ]

"Lobeleaker?"

[bloodpressured]

ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO PARSE MY WORD CHOICE, IS THAT WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE? SOUNDS FUN, LET'S GO FOR IT. NOW, LOBELEAKER WAS MEANT MORE ALONG THE LINES OF A COLORFUL AND EYECATCHING DESCRIPTION OF AN INFURIATINGLY STUPID PERSON. HE'S LEAKING CRANIAL FLUID EVERYWHERE FROM HIS BRAIN DAMAGE INJURIES AS SUCH A PERSON MIGHT DO.

MAYBE. I DON'T KNOW, WAS IT THE BEST THOUGHT OUT PHRASING, PROBABLY NOT, I'VE DONE BETTER. BUT DOES THAT SATISFY YOUR QUESTION, BRO, OR ANYTHING ELSE YOU'RE DYING TO KNOW THE MEANING BEHIND?

voice.

[likeabawws]

[ what...what is this person even saying...? ]

Y-you say that like you aren't human too!

voice

[bloodpressured]

Yes. Because I'm not a human. Did I not make that clear enough? I'd been hoping dropping numerous references to your planet earth would do the trick but not everyone is going to be scrambling after thought trains at the same pace, are they? Yeah, that's fine.

I generally find zest mineraling my statements with enough 'earths' and 'humans' is a convenient way to convey 'alien,' but I'm open to suggestions.

[wonk]

mr nubhorns this is the chillest thing i have ever seen u type

admittedly i have not seen u type much but this takes the cake

in like mildness so maybe the opposite of that

anyway this earth exists like outside the domain of paradox space

this universe probably isnt even a frog tbh

instead there is a teleporter controlled by a ~*~mysterious~*~ ai that never talks 2 anybody anymore but just randomly teleports ppl in and out according 2 some unknown whims

[bloodpressured]

THANK YOU! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO EXPLAIN. BY MY STANDARDS THIS BARELY QUALIFIES AS A DAMP NOISY FART CONNIPTION, LET ALONE A SHIT FIT. I AM BEING EXCEPTIONALLY CALM AND REASONABLE GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

I'M DEALING WITH NO END OF ASSHOLES GAPING BEWILDEREDLY IN MY FACE NOTING THAT I SURE DO SEEN PISSED OFF. PLEASE. THIS ENTIRE SO-CALLED TANTRUM IS NOTHING MORE THAN A MOIST AND TENDER MILDNESS CAKE WITH THE BLANDEST NONCHALANCE ICING YOU'LL EVER SUCK DOWN YOUR GIZZARD.

ANYWAY. SO HEY, SOME TYPE OF LALONDE. WHEN THE FUCK HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ME TYPE.

text;

[debauchewy]

what the fuck is a very broad question, try making it more specific. ♣

[It's always amusing when people use the network like some dear diary program.]

[bloodpressured]

[What. Is he being flirted with.]

THANKS FOR THE ADVICE. BUT WHAT'S WITH THE EMOTE, DUDE?

TEXT;

[worstever]

That was a very longform way to ask what the hell is going on.

You're not human, I take it?

[bloodpressured]

THE READING COMPREHENSION SWEEPSTAKES HAS A LOT OF CONTENDERS THIS YEAR FOR THE COVETED TRIED THE HARDEST AWARD, BUT KEEP TRYING THIS HARD AND MAYBE YOU'LL BE A CONTENDER.

[rathercommon]

[ Oh...This is kind of cute. Kitty smiles to herself as she reads it, then asks: ]

Are you one of the trolls, then?

[bloodpressured]

YES. HEY.

WHO DO YOU KNOW? SOLLUX OR KANAYA? IT PROBABLY DOESN'T MATTER, BOTH OF THEM ARE OKAY BY ME.

text;

[earnedmystripes]

[Oh hey, it's the angry alien kid who hates buckets again. Except he seems...less angry than last time?? Sort of? Which is probably for the best; he doesn't know much about trolls but being angry all the time can't be good for someone.]

what did you want to know more about in particular?
you probably have the basic rundown by now

[bloodpressured]

YEAH. I THINK I'M GOOD. THERE'S SOMEONE I KNOW WHO'S BEEN HERE FOR A LONG TIME SO IF ANYTHING I'D PROBABLY RUN THAT SHIT BY HER.

BUT HEY, THANKS FOR THE YET AGAIN SINCERE OFFER OF ASSISTANCE RATHER THAN CHOOSING TO COMMENT ON MY WORD CHOICE OR TONE LIKE MY CONFUSION AT BEING THRUST INTO AN UNFAMILIAR WORLD EXISTS TO ENTERTAIN YOU. THANK YOU SO FUCKING SINCERELY FOR THAT, IT MAY SEEM UNWORTHY OF REMARK BUT CLEARLY I NEED TO SAY IT.

text;

[killectric]

did ur capslock key break or something

[bloodpressured]

YES. THAT'S EXACTLY THE SITUATION. PLEASE HELP ME OUT OF THIS JAM BY IMAGINING ALL OF MY WORDS ARE ACTUALLY BEING CONVEYED IN NONTHREATENING SMALL LETTERS.

ANY OTHER QUESTIONS?

text;

[sidecars]

Oh hey!
You're back

[bloodpressured]

OH NO.
NO WAY.
NOPE.

WE AREN'T DOING THIS. DID WE HAVE A POIGNANT RELATIONSHIP IN THE PAST? MAYBE WE HAD A HEATED RIVALRY. MAYBE WE BECAME TRULY SOLID BROS. MAYBE YOU'VE SPENT EVERY DAY SINCE MARKING OFF THE CHRONOGRAPH HOPING FOR THE DAY I RETURN.

BUT THE THING IS I DON'T CARE. "I'M" NOT BACK. I'VE NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE. AND WHATEVER THE KARKAT WHO WAS HERE BEFORE GOT UP TO, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT.