video

[rathercommon]

Hullo, everyone. It's Kitty. I've not been around for a little while, but - I'm back now. In Heropa. And, erm - just for anyone who cares - both Mandrake and Bartimaeus have gone home. So I'm the only one left from my world now.

[ Her expression following that announcement is a mixture of disgust (because that sounded dreary and pathetic, didn't it) and sadness. Then, with a little shake of her head (you can practically hear her telling herself to stiffen her upper lip) she continues on: ]

Right. So - all right. I recently made a rumblr - that's an account on the website rumblr-dot-com - and I've actually managed to get quite a few followers. It turns out people are completely mad for having imPorts friended on social media. Anyway, it's actually really great - there are lots of really worthy causes out there, and when I pick them up they get spread around pretty nicely. It keeps this celebrity thing from being overbearingly stupid. I generally ask my followers to bring causes to my attention. This week I'm trying to help raise funds for maintaining latrines in areas where people practice open defecation. A lack of proper sanitation is linked incredibly closely to higher rates of infant mortality and shorter lifespans, but a billion people in the world live without access to it. And it doesn't take all that much money to make a change. So I'm trying to raise funds for that this week. Next week, we're going to be taking a look at raising money to help with mass deworming.

My rumblr is called 'therealkittyjones,' if anyone wants to follow me.

I'm also looking for people to help out with some fundraising for these causes. I've been in touch with a radio station, and I'm thinking we ought to do a celebrity version of two truths and a lie - in honor of all that rubbish at the last swear-in, you know. What happens is you come onto the program and you give me two true statements and one lie. Listeners go online and they wager five dollars on which one's the lie. If they get it right, they get an autographed picture of you, and if they get it wrong then their money just goes to charity. You'll also put up some of your own money, and if I manage to guess on-air which one's the lie you have to donate too. I've gotten asks for some of the imPorts in particular - [ She leans forward and clicks to another window on her communicator, her eyes moving as she reads. ] So, Superman, Mr Stark, Mr Hundred, Mr Wayne, Mr Gamagori, Mr Taylor, Mr Xanatos, Mr Callaghan, consider yourselves called out - you know, reading off all those men, I just realized how sexist my followers are, eurgh. There are a few women on this list too, but not nearly enough. Olivier, Sabriel, Power Girl...Actually, you know, pretty much everybody's interesting to the locals. I think all of you are on here, the list is like five pages long. We've just got far too many men here, haven't we?

[ And she sits back, her eyes focusing as she comes back to the window of her webcam. ]

Anyway, it'll only take about an hour of your time, and it's for a good cause. A series of good causes. Plus you'll get to talk about yourself, and I've never met anyone who wasn't at least a little bit obsessed with themselves. So...let me know if you're interested and I'll set up all the details.

Right. Anyway, thanks for listening.

Comments

[rathercommon]

There was, actually, yeah. They were doing a pretty good impression of me, though - it was fairly impressive.

Anyway, back to the important part, which is that you have to volunteer.

[slightlyoffchilt]

I'm not on that list, I'm not going to volunteer. After all -- far be it for me to take the place of someone requested! Imagine the outcry! The impending violence, goodness. I cannot be held personally responsible for the rioting that would surely follow.

You might as well just double your efforts to secure Tony Stark, I know he pleases a niche audience. Do lonely, wine-soaked housewives in their forties rumble? Yes? Then he'll do fine, I have no doubt.

[rathercommon]

Actually, you have been requested. So...I guess they must. Rumble, that is.

[slightlyoffchilt]

I'm prepared to break a few individual hearts. I would much rather engage them at a psychiatric conference anyway.

[Because, as his logic follows, he has far more sway and impact in the psychiatric community, and that's where he anticipates his reputation. His fellow (hypothesized) doctors could meet him on common ground, surely!]

I do wonder if your imposters sought to mimic you for your attention? Oh, no, I haven't let that revelation go, Ms. The Real Kitty Jones.

[rathercommon]

That'd be stupid if they did. I engage with the locals pretty regularly.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Perhaps they admire you and seek to emulate your qualities, then. Or -- well, most of them would manifest a mild appreciation. But statistically speaking, not all would maintain peaceful motivations.

[rathercommon]

Sorry. What's that supposed to mean?

[slightlyoffchilt]

You probably have a homicidal stalker just waiting to put on your skin.

[rathercommon]

Um? I'm pretty sure I don't! That sort of rubbish only happens in rotten serials, doesn't it.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Not according to my locale. [A beat follows.] Perhaps that ought to be your next charity gimmick. Interview with an imPort: Homeworld Edition.

[rathercommon]

You've got people who wear people's skins.

[slightlyoffchilt]

I was Chief of Staff at the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane. People suits is the least of my worries, quite honestly.

[rathercommon]

Okay, and...what was the most of your worries, then?

[slightlyoffchilt]

When patients take out their unmediated rage upon their psychiatrists.

[rathercommon]

So...Why have that job, then? That sounds completely awful.

[slightlyoffchilt]

It's highly prestigious, Ms. Jones, and deeply invigorating. One rarely has the chance to find such an array of fascinating minds in ready captivity.

Or that was my opinion before coming here, at any rate.

[rathercommon]

So you've changed your mind.

[slightlyoffchilt]

I've expanded my field. After all -- imPorts have highly similar patterns to that of my former clientele.

[rathercommon]

Didn't you just say that your prior clientele was insane murderers?

[slightlyoffchilt]

Are you suggesting imPorts don't have high statistical probabilities of the same description?

[rathercommon]

Absolutely we haven't. And that sort of talk is really harmful, you know! The locals already are afraid of us, and going around chatting about how we're mad murderers only makes that worse.

[slightlyoffchilt]

So obscuring the truth is better? Why not point fingers at those homicidal maniacs among us and exhibit how different we are from them? The locals will discover that statistic one way or another.

[rathercommon]

Those homicidal maniacs. Of which there are, what, two? Three?

[slightlyoffchilt]

I'd argue only those heavy on maniacal have outed themselves thus far. But we do have a minority population, so when that ratio is compared with the general -- well.

Maybe I ought to attend your charity thing and discuss this matter?

[rathercommon]

Do you want to come on to talk about how insane we are?