Capsule 002 💊 (Video)

[rassera]

[Good morning Nonah/Heropa/De Chima/etc. residents. Hope you've been enjoying it, because you'll need something to buffer here. Kaneda's already outside, lounging on his bike with his feet kicked up, hands behind his head and looking at the sky. Kaneda, you couldn't look more bored if you tried.]

So I guess I'm supposed to give you guys traffic updates or something. And you know me--I've got a burning desire to be an upstanding citizen.

[He turns his communicator about 30 degrees to the left, showing a patch of empty road that his bike was parked next to. Insert the cliche tumbleweed for some added aesthetic.]

Whooooooo-oooo! Brutal out there, guys! Stay safe!

[Okay, even he can't hide his smirk anymore.]

Comments

[nostalgiabomb]

Pops?

[ WELCOME TO THE S H I T L I S T ]

Aren't you a little young to be riding that bike? What are you, twelve? Thirteen?

[rassera]

[JOKES ON YOU HE'S BEEN THERE HIS WHOLE LIFE. And it shows in that shit eating grin he puts on.

Oh wait no now it changes to huffy. DID YOU CALL HIM A BABY.]

Hey, I'm almost seventeen!

[That's like...legal enough to STEAL a bike OKAY!!]

[nostalgiabomb]

[ he arches an eyebrow. wow look at that perfect arch. ]

So, what, does that mean the training wheels just came off, or--?

[rassera]

[Oh you are not going to out-sass him sir.]

Things are different now than when you were my age, old man.

It's okay, change is good.

[nostalgiabomb]

[ He snorts. ]

By different, do you mean they're giving licenses to kids before they hit puberty?

[ He affects a high-pitched, child-like voice: ] Evening, Officer. Was I going too fast?

[rassera]

[The funny thing is it's probably true.]

Is that what you sounded like when you were stopped back in the day?


Did you cry?

[nostalgiabomb]

Of course not. But then again, I've never been caught.

[ for speeding, anyway. ]

'Sides. If you get caught, you're clearly not going fast enough.

[rassera]

For the record, 20mph isn't 'fast enough', pops.

[But he can't say he disagrees with the statement.]

Speed Limit's more like a suggestion, really.

[nostalgiabomb]

It might be for you, depending on how fast you can peddle on that bike of yours.

[rassera]

You wanna test that theory, old man?

[nostalgiabomb]

If you wanna break your burning desire to be an upstanding citizen.

[rassera]

Well.

No one's perfect.

[nostalgiabomb]

[ He snorts at that. ]

Yeah, I'm seeing a pretty good example of that, right now.

So, what, are you like, the hall monitor, only for the most vacant roads or something?

[rassera]

[SCREW YOU BUDDY HE'S WAY COOLER THAN SOME HALL MONITOR!!]

Bite me.

It's traffic reporter, and it never said which roads or when, so...

I'd say I'm doing a pretty good job.

[nostalgiabomb]

Yeah, anyone goin' down that stretch of lonesome, deserted road will totally thank you for your service.

[rassera]

Any compliments, complaints, or questions can be redirected at the ones who hired me, old-timer.

[nostalgiabomb]

So you mean just straight up complaints. Just all of the complaints. No respect for his elders, for one. Or for his consumers. And being a little smart-ass with a doofy haircut.

[rassera]

So you admit you're old!

And jealous of my hair to boot.


Mmn-mnn-mnn...[A head shake.]

[nostalgiabomb]

Older than you, sure. But that's because you're, like, ten, right?

[ FUCKING AGES -- how the fuck do they work? ]

[rassera]

Sixteen!

Your hearing busted, too?

[nostalgiabomb]

Nah, my hearing's just fine.

You look like you're nine.

[ Apparently Kaneda is also getting progressively younger. ]

Where are you, even? Nondescript Street? Random Road?

[rassera]

Hearing, memory, old age...

You're almost nursing home level.

[GOSH PETER HIS VOICE CRACKED AND EVERYTHING!!!]

Does it matter? It doesn't have traffic.

[nostalgiabomb]

[ He snorts. ]

It probably doesn't have traffic 'cause you missed a totally badass wreck further up the street.

[rassera]

If you got in a car crash, you can say so.


We're all friends here.

[No you're not.]

[nostalgiabomb]

Now who has hearing problems?

Or is it 'cause your speech skills haven't fully developed, yet? Are you still working on the alphabet?