[04] Voice

[kingpawn]

[ So even though the feed opens up, Walt doesn't talk for a moment or so. There's a sharp inhale and it's accompanied by a piteous cough. And then after a couple minute pause, he starts talking -- sounding rather relaxed. ]

Today was my birthday.

[ A beat. Nonchalant. ]

But it's also my death anniversary. How many people can say that? Their life came a full and complete circle, starting and ending all on the same day? I mean, what are the chances? Pretty crazy, that.

[ Another brief pause. Another follow up cough. When he speaks, his voice is a little strained. ]

I mean like, this whole world. What an insane concept, right? To think that our own individual worlds are just this tiny fraction of all the different worlds out there -- some with crazy powers or vampires or Satan. We have Satan. Does anyone ever stop to think about that? How Satan has a TV show? I mean, I guess...what a better way to say welcome to hell than Satan with his own TV show. I've never actually watched it, mind. But I imagine it probably involves burning people alive.

But following that thought -- I still think this place is hell. I mean, I can't be the only dead guy walking here, can I? And it's definitely not heaven. My therapist called it purgatory once.

[ A beat. ]

Purgatory is kind of accurate. Sometimes he knows what he's talking about. All of us just sitting here and waiting -- to either go home and die for good or to do whatever it is we do here. I mean, we can't die. There's a definite statistical likelihood that we come back to life if we get killed, so do we age? I'm 53 today, but am I not really 53? Am I eternally 52 until I die again? Do I die again? Or do I just live an endless loop of my life -- dying, coming here, dying coming here until some otherworldly being makes up their mind?

Maybe that's what Satan's show is about. Collecting as many of us that belong in hell and dragging us back with him. That's a pretty morbid thought, isn't it?

[ So why is Walt laughing. Why is Walt laughing like it's the most hilarious thing in the world? Why is he laughing at all? What was he laughing at again?

The laughter dies. ]

What was I talking about again? [ But it's lost. ] Anyway, I just want to know. Is there anyone else out there who died? Bonus if you died on your birthday. Might be good to talk about it. Therapeutic. And I'm here to listen. We can talk here or in person. If anyone wants to go with me to get birthdeath day breakfast for dinner, that could be a thing. That we do.

Comments

[hostage]

[The mention of Hank has Jesse's stomach suddenly twisting up in knots. He eases his whole body closer as he takes Walt's hand, fingers stroking his palm in a light and teasing and enticing way. Look, there's more fun to be had here than over at Schrader's, Mr. White.]

Surprise me.

[Does Walt want him forceful or pliant or altogether unconscious? Jesse's past caring. Before the chemicals kick in, however...]

Can't we do this for a few more days? You and me. Before we go back to our stupid boring lives?

[kingpawn]

[ Walt thinks for a moment. ]

You know, we could. I mean, it isn't like Hank has been exactly present in my life since the incident with those horsemen rings. And then all of a sudden, he decides to talk to me for my birthday? Why should I drop everything and go when he couldn't even be assed to return my call when I left for a while.

[ He massages Jesse's cheeks and decides to give him the speedball effect. Dopamine mixed with chemical alertness. ]

[hostage]

[Fuck yeah. There's a special place in Jesse's heart for speedballs. It's how Jane introduced him to heroin, and the sensation since then is tinged with nostalgia. Jesse purrs and rolls his head back as it works its way through his nerves, all bittersweetness and hot ice.]

Yeah... Yeah, let's stay like this...

[kingpawn]

I never... thought.

[ Walt gets distracted, the way Jesse melts and seems to be in complete and utter ecstasy is as intoxicating as if Walt had experienced the hit himself. He licks his lips and continues. ]

I never thought we would get another moment like this. Spending time together. Just having fun.

[ He should feel bad, toying with Jesse's chemicals this way. And he certainly wouldn't have been marathonning it in this manner if he wasn't high himself. But at the moment, he doesn't have a care in the world. Everything is without consequence, everything is a matter of having fun. ]

I think this is the best birthday I've ever had.

[hostage]

[Jesse turns his head to nuzzle into the palm of Walt's hand, smiling dreamily. It makes him so happy to hear that. He's fulfilled his purpose, and isn't that just the best thing in life?]

It could be like this all the time.

[There's no good reason their lives have to be different, is there? There's nothing keeping them apart. If they wanted, they could dedicate themselves to the pursuit of pleasure and there's really nothing that could stop them. It's an enticing prospect while Jesse's in the midst of experiencing this.]

[kingpawn]

[ It's a nice thought, isn't it? Just the two of them, enjoying life in this way. But somewhere in the idealistic fantasy, logical thought manages to slip through the cracks. ]

No. It can't. You know it can't. We both have too many important things outside of us.

But we can have a few more days. I don't see why we couldn't.

[hostage]

[Jesse snatches the hand that's delivering so much chemical pleasure and draws it to his lips to kiss the palm. He holds it there against his mouth like he could drink in Walt's essence. It feels like a lie that this can't be forever. He's not ready to believe that.]

I love you.

[The words are murmured against Walt's skin, both a plea and a reassurance.]

There's nothing more important than us. I love you.

[kingpawn]

[ The words practically take his breath away. Anyone can say them, really. It's so easy to lie those three words. But when Jesse tells him this, Walt wants to believe him. It goes right down to his core and fills him with a swell of happiness and completion. Because really, all he's ever wanted is those three words from Jesse. ]

I love you, too. I love you more than you could probably ever realize.

[ He watches Jesse's lips work their magic, sending little tingles rippling throughout his skin. ]