video;

[helpline]

[ The first thing you see....is pumpkins. So many pumpkins. This house is full of pumpkins in various stages of being carved. Those who know Hazel can easily recognize this scene of mass chaos as Residence #11. However, the chalk scribbles on the wall are decidedly not hers. To start with, some of them are in a different language that looks kind of circly.

The personless scene lasts only for a moment before the Doctor scurries into frame, looking a mixture of confused and frowny. He's looking kind of magician, wearing a black coat over a black hoodie. Finally, he's holding an owl by the scruff of it's neck (can you do that with an owl? Who knows, the Doctor's doing so). Said owl is Owlfonso, the skateboarding owl that really doesn't want to be here right now and is desperately trying to peck the Doctor's fingers. ]

I want to clarify first that for once, none of this is my fault. [ except the chalk writing, which is obviously his, but that either a: goes without commenting on or b: the Doctor's forgotten it by now. also wow, that sure is a Scottish accent ] That being said- [ WHAM the camera gets a face full of owl ]

Is this normal? I mean, normal for owls. Is this how I can tell this dimension apart from my dimension? No eyepatches, no goatees, just owls that can suddenly skateboard? [ He backs poor Owlfonso away from the camera, as the Doctor's still got an expression that's pure 'what the hell is this shit' ] Well, skateboarding owls and a postponed perestroika. Spoilers, you're twenty years out of date.

[ pause, frown. The Doctor looks over at poor Owlfonso with a sort of resigned expression. ] The alternate dimension of owls and Communism. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Comments

[helpline]

It'll make me feel better and really, that's what matters.

[deadtective]

Not for long.

[helpline]

You seem bound and determined to crush my dreams.

[deadtective]

Everybody needs a hobby.

[helpline]

Have you tried knitting?

[deadtective]

I don't want to talk about knitting.

[THERE WAS AN INCIDENT. A YARN FESTIVAL INCIDENT.]

[helpline]

[ siiiiiiigh ]

Decoupage, then?

[deadtective]

I already have enough fucking hobbies without getting crazy on the crafting.

[helpline]

What, like pumpkins? Pumpkins aren't a hobby.

[deadtective]

Pumpkins are a perfectly fine hobby, what the hell do you know?

[it doesn't matter that pumpkins wasn't her answer, she's going to argue this.]

[helpline]

You can't have a hobby that only exists for part of the year. Besides, what do you even do with the pumpkins?

[ whereas he just 100% straight up thinks that pumpkins are her hobby ]

[deadtective]

You can buy pumpkins whenever the fuck you want to, they're just more expensive if it's not around Halloween. And you build shit out of them, duh! Jack-o-lantern sculptures and crap.

[helpline]

Yes, but then everything smells like pumpkins. Which, granted, it could smell worse, but surely that would get boring after a while.

[deadtective]

That's what air fresheners are for, dude.

[helpline]

But then the house smells like new car or summer's breeze or something else that's a candle name.

[deadtective]

I don't know, fresh linen is pretty standard outside of Yankee Candle.

[helpline]

There are the other names though. Like, Grandmother's House, how can you have a candle that smells like Grandmother's house? It's statistically impossible!

[deadtective]

Don't look at me, both my grandmas were dead waaaay before I was ever born. It's nostalgia shit or something.

[helpline]

I'd prefer my nostalgia not to smell like old people.

[deadtective]

Hitting a little too close to home, huh?

[helpline]

I smell like old Time Lords, thank you very much.

[deadtective]

I don't think 'dying clocks in a retirement home' is much of an improvement.

[helpline]

How can someone smell like a clock? Has Earth made scented clocks or something?

[deadtective]

What, you don't know what clocks smell like? With a stupid title like that?

[helpline]

They smell like clocks. [ said with a SHRUG. ] Of course, this all depends on the type of clock and when it's from.