video;

[helpline]

[ The first thing you see....is pumpkins. So many pumpkins. This house is full of pumpkins in various stages of being carved. Those who know Hazel can easily recognize this scene of mass chaos as Residence #11. However, the chalk scribbles on the wall are decidedly not hers. To start with, some of them are in a different language that looks kind of circly.

The personless scene lasts only for a moment before the Doctor scurries into frame, looking a mixture of confused and frowny. He's looking kind of magician, wearing a black coat over a black hoodie. Finally, he's holding an owl by the scruff of it's neck (can you do that with an owl? Who knows, the Doctor's doing so). Said owl is Owlfonso, the skateboarding owl that really doesn't want to be here right now and is desperately trying to peck the Doctor's fingers. ]

I want to clarify first that for once, none of this is my fault. [ except the chalk writing, which is obviously his, but that either a: goes without commenting on or b: the Doctor's forgotten it by now. also wow, that sure is a Scottish accent ] That being said- [ WHAM the camera gets a face full of owl ]

Is this normal? I mean, normal for owls. Is this how I can tell this dimension apart from my dimension? No eyepatches, no goatees, just owls that can suddenly skateboard? [ He backs poor Owlfonso away from the camera, as the Doctor's still got an expression that's pure 'what the hell is this shit' ] Well, skateboarding owls and a postponed perestroika. Spoilers, you're twenty years out of date.

[ pause, frown. The Doctor looks over at poor Owlfonso with a sort of resigned expression. ] The alternate dimension of owls and Communism. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Comments

[helpline]

[ school's for losers anyway. stick it to the man, Mabel!!! ] In that case, I'm the Doctor. As for the fit, not too roomy, with the sleeves stopping just right at the wrist.

[glitterateur]

[The name Doctor rings a bell-- wasn't that the guy who played word games with her pigs last year?-- but that's a pretty common word, and this guy's clearly not that guy. So it must just be a new guy with the same name! Like how six girls in her class last year were named Ashley.]

And I'm Mabel! You've got great taste in sweaters, Doctor. Where'd you learn to dress so well?

[helpline]

Mabel Mabel, set the table, just as fast as you are able. [ you are never too old for children's rhymes, as shown by that kind of silly smile on his face. ] That's a lovely name.

[ but back to sweaters! ] As for your question, I'm overdue a regeneration who can actually dress! It must be natural.

[glitterateur]

You think so? [She grins. Take that, Pacifica.] A lot of people say it's an old lady name, but I've embraced it!

I don't know what that means but good for your cool new regeneration!

[It's like an attitude or something right? Right. Probably.]

[helpline]

Old lady names are the best names. Why? Because that means they're classic. Something so good it's stuck around for sixty years!

[ yeah, take that Pacifica. ]

As for the regeneration, it's a Time Lord thing. [ oh yeah, he should probably explain 'Time Lord' ] That's what I am, by the way. A Time Lord. Not human.

[glitterateur]

[She squints at him. A time guy... who looks human... but isn't. Where has she heard that before?]


...are you related to the Time Baby?!

[helpline]

[ wait what ]

What's a Time Baby?

[glitterateur]

A giant baby who rules the future and gives out time wishes if people manage to live through this totally crazy fight to the death thing called Globnar.

[helpline]

[ paaaaaaause. what the hell. ]

By any chance, do you know how many hearts a Time Baby has?

[glitterateur]

Nope! Sorry. We were kinda too busy to ask any really personal questions. [Too busy fighting for their lives, that is.] Why? What's that mean?

[helpline]

Well I've got two hearts, do keep up. And if a Time Baby is a Time Lord and is making you fight to the death, then I suppose it's my job to swat him on the nose with a newspaper.

[glitterateur]

You can do that?! Time Baby's kinda giant and super powerful! Also he's got a time squad police force thing?

[helpline]

You know the time squad police force? I probably used to be their boss.

[ because time squad police force, HELLO THERE that is sounding a lot like the Time Lords. obviously this Time Baby is some renegade Time Lord who's trying to make humans fight for his own amusement. ]

[glitterateur]

[Suddenly Mabel looks... slightly panicked.]

Oh. Ohhhh geez. Um!

--I'm pretty sure all charges against us were dropped for the record! And we didn't alter history anything except for the high five I taught those pioneers?!

[helpline]

I said used to be. The only reason I was Lord President was because it was the best way to stop an invasion of the Vardans. I'm not a politician.

Besides, they gave me the boot eventually. [ the Doctor....is not aware that absolutely none of this makes sense. ]

[glitterateur]

[Give her a minute to make it make sense. Okay, so if Time Baby is in charge of her future but this guy is Time Lord (former Lord President) that means that when he got fired then the baby must have taken over and turned the future into that... whatever it was. Got it.]

Okay but why'd they fire you? Because lemme tell you the baby they replaced you with is not doing a super great job.

[helpline]

After the invasion was repelled, I never really showed up to work. [ said with a little shrug. Yeah, that's a good reason to get the boot and the Doctor knows it. ]

[glitterateur]

Oh! Yeah that makes sense. [As a Serious Businesswoman, she knows that's pretty not okay.]

But still you repelled an entire invasion! That's worth an employee of the month sticker at least.

[helpline]

Time Lords aren't too big on stickers. [ but hey, now that she's asked.... ]

Please tell me that despite his terrible despotic reign, the Time Baby at least has stickers.

[glitterateur]

I didn't see any! But he did give us a time wish which was pretty cool? I dunno if he's allowed to have stickers anyway since, y'know, he's a baby.

[And babies eat stickers. Common sense, Doctor!]

[helpline]

[ hey now, it's been over a hundred years since he's seen a baby, he doesn't know entirely how they work!!! ]

They should make baby stickers or something like that.

[glitterateur]

Stickers are a big responsibility! And it's so easy to accidentally eat them. [She says, from experience.] I guess if we could make ones too big to fit in their mouths but small enough not to suffocate them if they stuck them on their faces it could work....

[helpline]

What about stickers they could breathe through? That should work, right?

[glitterateur]

Oooh! Yeah. Made with a breathable sticky fabric!

[helpline]

We should get on that. Given enough time and energy, I'm sure I could develop some sort of breatheable loose-knit type of sticky fabric.