video;

[helpline]

[ The first thing you see....is pumpkins. So many pumpkins. This house is full of pumpkins in various stages of being carved. Those who know Hazel can easily recognize this scene of mass chaos as Residence #11. However, the chalk scribbles on the wall are decidedly not hers. To start with, some of them are in a different language that looks kind of circly.

The personless scene lasts only for a moment before the Doctor scurries into frame, looking a mixture of confused and frowny. He's looking kind of magician, wearing a black coat over a black hoodie. Finally, he's holding an owl by the scruff of it's neck (can you do that with an owl? Who knows, the Doctor's doing so). Said owl is Owlfonso, the skateboarding owl that really doesn't want to be here right now and is desperately trying to peck the Doctor's fingers. ]

I want to clarify first that for once, none of this is my fault. [ except the chalk writing, which is obviously his, but that either a: goes without commenting on or b: the Doctor's forgotten it by now. also wow, that sure is a Scottish accent ] That being said- [ WHAM the camera gets a face full of owl ]

Is this normal? I mean, normal for owls. Is this how I can tell this dimension apart from my dimension? No eyepatches, no goatees, just owls that can suddenly skateboard? [ He backs poor Owlfonso away from the camera, as the Doctor's still got an expression that's pure 'what the hell is this shit' ] Well, skateboarding owls and a postponed perestroika. Spoilers, you're twenty years out of date.

[ pause, frown. The Doctor looks over at poor Owlfonso with a sort of resigned expression. ] The alternate dimension of owls and Communism. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Comments

( video. )

[helpline]

Really, it's mostly just trying to get it through your head that you're wrong. I wouldn't call that a 'plan' though, more of an annoyance.

( video. )

[desequilibre]

[ Sighing. ]

At least your arrogance has not suffered much.

( video. )

[helpline]

Excuse you, I'm hardly arrogant!

( video. )

[desequilibre]

[ Athos looks distinctively unimpressed. ]

I'm sure.

( video. )

[helpline]

[ HUFF HUFF HUFF pout pout pout ]

I'm cross, I'll admit that, but cross and grumpy is not arrogant. Besides, it's not arrogance if you know the other party's incompetent.

( video. )

[desequilibre]

[ He's as offensive as the Cardinal, that must is true. ]

I assure you, I am much better than any of your band of thugs and thieves. [ Yep, the Red Guards are losers. Pass it on. ]

Why do you persist in this lie? What benefit is there?

( video. )

[helpline]

Because it's not a lie! I don't know how many times I have to say it before this gets in that stupid French head of yours, but I am the Doctor!

[ The Doctor just looks like sooner or later he's just gonna throw the phone against the wall and sulk, it's immoveable force meets immoveable object right here ]

( video. )

[desequilibre]

Well then if it is true I find it hard to respect a man who gives only a title and not a name.

[ Take it from the former Comte. ]

( video. )

[helpline]

Who said it wasn't my name?

( video. ) i'm sorry, i'm so sorry.

[desequilibre]

[ Athos remains unimpressed. ]

English may not be my first language and it is only by the grace of this place I can speak it. But I know enough. And I ask again - Doctor who?

( video. ) it's a rite of passage, that's gotta happen at SOME point

[helpline]

[ The Doctor can't help but raise his eyebrows a little. heeeeey, Athos said the thing ]

I get that a lot. [ but hey now, 'only by the grace of this place I can speak it,' TIME TO PROBE INTO THAT ] Mind telling me how you know English, by the way?

( video. ) tbh d'artagnan's mun made me

[desequilibre]

[ Ugh. Is he really going to have to help the not!Cardinal? ]

I believe when the Porter brings us here, when she instils the powers into us, that she also gives us a common language. I do not understand it myself. And believe me, if I could go back to not speaking it I would. [ Because fuck the English. ] But I know it here. And so do my friends. We have all had different educations. Therefore it must be this place.

( video. ) KEEP IT UP, KERRY

[helpline]

[ this is your life Athos, suck it up. ]

Interesting... [ and then the Doctor says this next bit in French, just to see what will happen ] And yet, at the same time, I think I still remember—no, yes, that's French, I've still got French. [ and now in German ] Time to try—eurgh, my German's terrible but still existent. [ English! ] Are you sure it's not just your superpower? Has suddenly speaking English happened with the other Musketeers too?

[ he's showing off. and it's entirely possible that due to the translation function, he just sounded like even more of an idiot, but he's BLISSFULLY UNAWARE of that ]

( video. ) stop encouraging her.

[desequilibre]

[ Athos' expression remains impassive. ]

I'm sorry, did you believe yo were speaking anything but English? [ He's so fucking haughty, how did he get this way, who knows. ] My file says nothing about translation. My power has nothing to do with it either. But I do know we are all able to communicate with the world at large. Were we not enhanced in some way we would not.

( video. ) neverrrrr

[helpline]

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but can I poke at your blood?

[ because this is SO INTERESTING and the Doctor's going to find out just why the Musketeers are weird ]

( video. )

[desequilibre]

No.

[ Wow, just because he might not believe in witchcraft doesn't mean he'll let him be bewitched, tyvm. ]

Ask anyone, Doctor. You will find the same of them.

( video. )

[helpline]

Fine! I'll ask Porthos, then.

[ he's the nicer one! >( ]

( video. )

[desequilibre]

[ Darkly. ]

I would not. If you have any sense you will not ask either of them. [ You don't get his bffs' bloods. You are not Aramis. ]

( video. )

[helpline]

You said this affected all of you, if it's something to do with the nanites, then I'll need a sample from at least one of you. Don't they have science when you're from? Or, at least basic logic?

( video. )

[desequilibre]

[ You, sir, are fucking rude. ]

We do. But I do not see any reason in aiding someone with who I can offer no trust.

( video. )

[helpline]

[ a loud aggravated SIIIIIIIIGH before ]

Fine. What do I have to do to prove to you that I'm who I am? Or, at least, that I won't try to kill you in a moment's notice. [ because his bff is an English teacher, Clara would probably be PRETTY MIFFED if he ended up yelling at the Musketeers ]

( video. )

[desequilibre]

[ Maybe he should meet Clara. She might annoy him less. ]

How would you like to prove it, Monsieur?

[ Dropping the your eminence title feels like drawing his sword. He is so unsure. ]

( video. )

[helpline]

[ she will definitely annoy him less. ]

We've got plenty of options! Feel my pulse, hear my thoughts, let me do something your Cardinal can't do—can he play guitar, I've got that down pat.

( video. )

[desequilibre]

Hear your thoughts?

[ Now he's definitely rethinking his beliefs about witchcraft. ]

Are you drunk? [ Stones. Glass houses. ] Or just mad?

( video. )

[helpline]

[ and this was going so well. ]

Yes, hear my thoughts, it's telepathic contact, surely someone here's explained that to you already. If we meet in person, I could do the telepathy thing. However, I've got a sneaking suspicion you don't want to be anywhere near me.