001 ☕︎ video

[hardboyled]

[The video feed opens up to a morose looking dude in a pale blue shirt and a bland tie with it's knot loosened heavily. Looks like someone's returned from a disappointing time out.]

Ladies and gentleman, it is with a heavy heart that I bring you this terrible news: The 4.7 rated restaurant, Maison d'etre has been lying to us all. Like you, I was fooled by the high praise it was receiving on such popular food blogs as "Good Morning Viet-nom!", "Let's Taco 'Bout Food" and "Making Ends Meat" who all labelled it a culinary adventure of locally sourced food.

However! [His voice breaks halfway through the word, wavering between anger and the desperate need to cry in disappointment.] I have since eaten there and can say with complete certainty that the only culinary adventure to be found in that excuse for a restaurant is the amount of imported ingredients they have on their menu! Even their corn is imported from Ukraine. Who can't find locally sourced corn in America?! I tell you, ladies and gentleman, I am just one big D right now. Disappointed!

[A sigh that's as weighty as the world itself, and... was that a small, barely restrained sob as he quickly bows his head? At least he's quick to compose himself, straightening himself up in his chair and puffing out his chest after a deep inhale.] But it's not all bad news. I, Charles Boyle, will be sure to continue conveying these injustices to the world!

And a few weeks from now, I'll also be sharing my knowledge of food to any folks willing to learn. Watch this space for Boiled Over, an imPort cooking show in front of a small live audience, set to delight and astound. [And just like that, his previous disappointment steadily creeps towards eagerness, because cooking is awesoooome.]

I'm sorry, I'm just so excited for this opportunity! Wow, what a rollercoaster of emotions this place is!

Comments

[slightlyoffchilt]

I think I would!

[hardboyled]

You think?

[slightlyoffchilt]

Well you haven't sent out the formal RSVP, now have you? I can only commit to so much.

[hardboyled]

[Sigh!] No. Don't bother. Any attempt at a party would only end up in tears. Mine specifically.

I'll just be sure to send out tickets for my show though. That can be the party. Would you come to that? There'd be opportunities for tasting.

[slightlyoffchilt]

What would I be tasting?

[Hard to know, with this one.]

[hardboyled]

Food I'm cooking, obviously. [Duh, Chilton.]

I don't have any specific recipes in mind just yet for the first show. I'll take suggestions.

[slightlyoffchilt]

I know that. But I am interested in the recipes, I have... Dietary restrictions.

[hardboyled]

[A pause, one that's accompanied by a heavy inhale. Dietary restrictions, two words he never likes to hear.]

I can't... make any promises. Not for a pilot. But maybe, maybe I'd consider doing an episode based on... dietary restrictions. [Cringe.] What. Exactly would I have to consider?

[slightlyoffchilt]

Basically all forms of excess protein.

[hardboyled]

So basically all the best food.

[slightlyoffchilt]

Hey now, I did not choose this to happen to me.

[hardboyled]

[That might just make this acceptable. Maybe.] It's not a "lifestyle" thing?

[slightlyoffchilt]

It is a medical thing. I was... Disemboweled and could not be fully re-embowled.

[hardboyled]

... Oh. Well, that's terrifying. [And gross. And terrifying. And still gross.] In fact, it's terrible. I'm sorry that happened, and I'm even more sorry I assumed it was a life choice!

[slightlyoffchilt]

I may be able to forgive you.

[hardboyled]

Let me make it up to you?!

[slightlyoffchilt]

Hmm. [He considers.] Well, you are amiable, and I appreciate that.

How do you propose?

[hardboyled]

The only way I know how; I could cook for you! No excessive proteins.

[slightlyoffchilt]

I accept your offer, Mr. Boyle.

[hardboyled]

Great! Sooo, is this basically vegan, or...?

[slightlyoffchilt]

I tend to err on vegan. Wouldn't want to start vomiting blood.

[Probably an exaggeration.]

But vegetarian, or pescatarian is fine.

[hardboyled]

[Wow, no pressure then.]

I can work with that. Will you be dining alone, or is there a special someone in your life?

[slightlyoffchilt]

Well -- Funny you should ask. I am engaged.

[hardboyled]

Engaged? [Mini screech.] Congrats! This is great news, I can cook you both a full blown, romantic meal. Oh, there's nothing more a cook could ask for than encouraging true love through the medium of food!

[slightlyoffchilt]

Oh, my, thank you. I... Don't think anyone else was as excited for my engagement as you are now.