maskormenace | 02

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02 | text

We've got posts up playing icebreakers and asking for people to regale them with the exciting tales of their weekend, so I think it's safe to say that we're past the current crisis? We better be, because I'm sick of slicing my fingers up leafing through the classifieds and don't need anybody jumping on me for being flippant during a tragedy.

[so preemptively defensive, Hazel. maybe you should have had somebody proofread this before sending it out.]

I'm looking for a job. I had this whole thing typed up with my preferences and abilities, but it ended up sounding like I was looking to run bootleg liquor over the border.

Which. I mean, if there's an opening for that I'm totally down for an interview? But that's not exactly the kind of thing you advertise for.

I was a private detective back home, buuut honestly I think I broke more laws than solved actual cases. No convictions, though! Uh. The point is I have a shitty skillset and I am super desperate. If the job's not boring as hell and it can finance dozens of pre-ordered video games I'm interested.

Look, it's this or I start prying radios out of hovercars. The crime rate of Heropa is in your hands!!

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[no, this all sounds like the sort of thing that is both totally his fault and probably could have been avoided. she will continue to judge.

Hazel pauses and mulls over whether she should pull out one of the weirder things she's had to do since being resurrected, but decides to keep it short and sweet. save the adventure tales for big parties and one-upping friends.]

Supernatural bullshit. Almost exclusively, actually.

[... that was also HIS DAD. He wasn't even born yet! Or very little. Either or.]

Hm. Well, he tends to handle mostly homicides. And has a pretty good success rate at solving them too.

Sounds like the last thing he needs is a reluctant protege, then.

I'm sure he'd love to have someone to talk about cases at. And show off to.

Then he definitely doesn't want me. I have a notoriously low tolerance for intentionally impressive acts.

Oh, I don't think it's all intentional on his part.

Rivals we might be, but he's damn good at what he does. Enough so that I make special preparations when I know he's going to be attending one of my heists.

Ok, this is getting a little too theatrical to be believable. You want to try again?

[RIVALS AND HESISTS? YOU'RE NOT CARY GRANT IN TO CATCH A THIEF, WEIRD STYLIZED NAME GUY]

Theatrical you say?

Yet I have stolen several million dollars in priceless artifacts and am wanted in several countries.

Although I admit, yes, my heists tend to be a bit theatrical. Have to give my fans and the Taskforce a show, after all. Need to keep them all on their toes, as it were.

[NO, HE IS MUCH COOLER, THANK YOU.]

[NOBODY IS COOLER THAN CARY GRANT. FUCKING NOBODY.]

Calm down there, Pink Panther. I know it's difficult to resist on the internet, but we're trying to move away from the really stupid lies and back to reality.

All right then. When I announce my first heist here in this world, I'll guarantee you a front row seat.

In the mean time, I suggest you look up Conan Edogawa. He was the detective I spoke of.

Can't you just donate the priceless artifacts to me instead? I'm pretty sure that'd be a lot more impressive.

And. I'll think about it. No promises.

Hmmm. And what have you done to warrant this donation? As it were, I give back the things I take, if only so that I can see the Inspector's face when he discovers that not only did I get away without him catching me but the fact that I was able to return them without him knowing either.

Do. I've gone up against many a detective in my time, but he's one of the very few that I would call a worthy rival.

I'd have to switch over to private and force you to sign a blood oath before telling you any of that. Maybe just consider taking a leap of faith here? You seem pretty fond of endeavors with limited returns anyway.

[seriously, he just puts it back? he couldn't even go for something super assholeish and stick it in the chief of police's desk drawer or something?]

I'm sure he'll really appreciate you throwing a metaphorical cannonball his way, then.

Sad as it makes me, I'll have to decline. I rather like my blood where it is at the moment.

I suppose it depends on what your idea of limited would be. Even if I don't keep it, I still get to spend time with my taskforce and my adoring fans, so I would definitely consider it a win-win situation.

[Well, there was the time it ended up in that fi-fi-finny thing Aoko was making her dad for dinner. Apparently he was rather surprised to get a priceless gem with his dinner.]

It's sort of a game we have.

This is starting to sound more and more like you're trying to kickstart an acting career rather than actually steal anything, honestly.

Can't you just send the guy a glitterbomb in the mail?