001 | video

[ferrisbuellean]

[The video feed pans on to a well dressed, perfectly presented guy offering a winning smile as he sits in the booth of some fancy bar, all wood and leather, while nursing a glass of whiskey. Someone else is holding the camera and there's enough shaky cam and unfocused zooming to make the Bourne franchise jealous.]

Hey there. Do you like watching a ridiculously good looking man do law stuff? Want to watch him play some nondescript puzzle game on his phone for an entire hour? If yes, then have I got a surprise for you. If no, watch it anyway because apparently I need the ratings.

Jeff Winger here, Lawyer at Large and city hero bringing you a brand new series about me. [Another oh-so charming smile and a dramatic point to the camera.] And law!

Danger! Intrigue! Thrills! These are some things you'll probably never see in my show, but watch it anyway because hey, you might just strike it lucky. And ladies, you might just strike it lucky with me.

[Smirk smirk smirk, pause and then a glance off camera to someone, smugness replaced with a curious furrow of brows.] You guys do know I was disbarred ri-- [And the feed ends.]

Comments

[ferrisbuellean]

You know too much about this subject. Suspicious. What if the very guy I'm getting to investigate my case is the cause of it all...?

[cuff]

You'd probably call it aaaa conflict of interest. Thinkin' i'm gonna go with bullshit, instead.

We'll start with an easy question- what's your proof?

[ferrisbuellean]

Literally nothing. I don't even have a Mountie. I just like wasting your time. Hey, can I get a Mountie from you?

[cuff]

[ NO SHIT. He's shocked!!!! ]

I don't buy stock in the Mountie factory. You're gonna have to find your own. Might have to go on one those spirit doohickey's. In a hut.

[ferrisbuellean]

Oh God, are those things real? Do they actually go in for all that Inuit stuff? I thought that was just some kinda weird Dudley Do Right myth. Not that I remember him actually doing weird crap like that, but y'know what I mean.

[cuff]

He's gonna wet his pants when you heard you say Inuit instead'a Eskimo all on your own- you actually watched that?

[ferrisbuellean]

You can never be too careful about Political Correctness. [He has to be there to balance out the insane amount of racism some of his friends spout, kthx.]

Anyway, I guess I saw a few Rocky and Bullwinkle reruns as a kid.

[cuff]

[ Uhhhh he doesn't even believe that a little bit, nope. Even if you said Inuit..... god make Ray feel all inadequate and shit. ]

Least I can say is most of 'em know how to ride on their horse the right way.

[ferrisbuellean]

I was gonna make a riding joke there but it seems like it'd be in bad taste.

[Y'know, cause gay.]

[cuff]

[ Your face is gonna be in bad taste. ]

Yeah, cause it'd be wrong. I'd quit it with the assumption makings if I was you.

[ferrisbuellean]

I didn't mean a joke about riding directed at you. Calm down, Bobbie Brown.

[cuff]

So I can't be offended for someone else now?

[ferrisbuellean]

Nope. That's just invasive. Care about your own problems.

[cuff]

There goes all my plans to save the dolphins.

[ferrisbuellean]

Were you actually planning to save dolphins?

[cuff]

Think i'd tell you if I was?

[ferrisbuellean]

It seems like a pretty weird thing to get defensive about.

[cuff]

I'm not gettin' defensive, jus'sayin my dolphin crusades might be personal.

[ferrisbuellean]

Do you get to swim with these dolphins?

[cuff]

Ahh- only on special occasions. Y'know. When they're feelin' up to it.

[ferrisbuellean]

Yeah, I heard they can be assholes.

[cuff]

Yeah, yeah, sure- but that's just what people want you to think. Not they're fault they don't people all up in their aquatic spaces all the time.

[ferrisbuellean]

And mankind is the biggest asshole of them all, amiright?

[cuff]

That's the going story on the streets.

[ferrisbuellean]

I'll let the Mountie know you've become one with the dolphins now.