001 | Video

[moneyballer]

Okay, so this superhero gig? Best. Thing. Ever!

[Each word is accompanied by animated hand gestures and unnecessary head bobbing. Better get used to it.]

Yo, this is frickin’ awesome! I mean, I wanted to defend the law and all, but this? This is better than all the wet dreams I’ve ever had! And, phew! I’ve had some great ones. Madonna? She may be old, but that chick can get it.

[Why is he gesturing to the viewer like he won an Oscar or something? What the hell is his problem?]

Some guys wouldn’t be caught dead walking around in spandex and a pair of tighty-whities, but… You can’t deny that this bodacious badonkadonk-

[Asher sets the device on the table in front of him, doing a twirl for the camera. Oh god, is that a booty pop? It is. Someone stop this man.]

Would look great in a supersuit.

Comments

video; ID reads Superman

[andaway]

[Ok, so




where does he even start with this.]

I don't wear spandex to show my 'assets', you know.

[moneyballer]

'Tch! "Superman?"

[He's rolling his eyes at a man who could crush him with his pinky...]

Wow, dude. You're soooooo original!

[no no no asher

ASHER HE'S REAL

THIS IS THE REAL SUPERMAN

STOP]

[andaway]

[Insert a pretty lengthy pause in here. He's had people laugh at his name before (obviously), but being called unoriginal? That's a new one. Again: where does he even start?]

Well, it isn't trademarked or anything but as far as I know I'm the only one. If... you're talking about the S-shield that's my family's shield. Of course we share it.

[moneyballer]

Alright bub. Here you go! With your fake "I'm totally a good guy!" attitude. Well, I'm not buyin' it.

[Hissing:]

I know an impostor when I see one.

[HE's REAL???????????]

1/2

[andaway]

[Okay, so he has to prove himself. Sure, why not. This place is already weird enough but no one had actually asked him to prove himself.]

Give me a second...

[andaway]

[Sure enough he's back a few seconds later, holding what looks to be a very big, very heavy piece of metal. He shows it to the camera until he's sure he's seen it. And then, with a bit of super strength and a touch of heat- vision to melt the right parts of the metal... he turns it into a metallic version of his S-shield.

He holds it up for the camera to see, raising an eyebrow. Ta-Da.

Any questions?]

[moneyballer]

'Tch! I can like-

[Asher folds his arms. Unfortunately, Asher's powers are very similar to Superman's. X-ray vision and Superstrength! This is gonna be a massacre.]

I can do that.

[oh no

stop him]

[andaway]

[He rolls his eyes because figures. Why is he so determined to prove himself to this kid anyway? It is a mystery.]

Hold that thought. [And he hangs up.]

action!

[andaway]

[Aaand there's someone knocking on your window a couple seconds latter, Asher.]

Re: action!

[moneyballer]

[As Asher is the only grown-up in his household (to be honest, Dipper is probably the most mature person at that residence), he walks to answer the door. Even though he's in a city full of psychopaths, he doesn't think much of answering the door.

When he does see Clark's face, he screams and points and accusing finger at the other man.]

S-s-stalker!

[Feeling alarmed, he slams the door shut, and as he does, he presses his back against the wall.

God, that man was beautiful. What the hell! Whose chin is that huge and perfect?!?! Maybe he is the real deal...]

OOPS must have accidentally deleted this notif

[andaway]

[Sorry, but Kal is totally losing it on the other side of the door and laughing out loud. This is the weirdest thing that's happened to him in this place- and he was totally convinced he was a D&D character once, so his threshold of weird is pretty high.]

I'm not! A stalker, I mean. I'm just proving who I am. [Yes he's screaming it so he can ehar it.]

[moneyballer]

[He almost opens the door because a part of him wants to see that magnificent chin again, but he screams in response-]

DUDE?! HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW WHERE I LIVE!

That's frickin' creepy!

[growingpains]

[Yes! This guy gets it! How cool it is to have superpowers and be a freaking super hero, yes!

But then he does the weird ass-shake. Ok. That's funny. It also looks kinda cool, too]

I'm disappointed that we weren't given any suits when we got here. Even just a mask would've been good.

[moneyballer]

Oh yeah! A mask? That'd be totally baller!

[After a moment's thought, however...]

Although, I don't know how I'd feel about that. I mean, there's no use in keepin' this beautiful mug-

[He gestures to his face.]

Out of the public eye.

[growingpains]

Nope. Every superhero needs to have a mask.

[Eye roll.]

I bet that even that 'Madonna' has one.

[moneyballer]

Uhhhhh.

Well, I guess since she's famous and we only see glimpses of her in photos and stuff...

[This got very deep very fast and Asher is not sure how comfortable he is with this fact.]

And the line between her private life and public life is deeeeefinitely on the blurry side, yeah. I guess she does have a mask.

video.

[tardily]

Did you just pop your butt and say bodacious badonkadonk?

[ There is so many things that are weird about this and that was about the only thing Barry could articulate because it was the last thing. Moving on because this is so horrifying. ]

I don't think all supersuits are spandex. [ Says the man with the not spandex supersuit that he's not wearing right now. ] You've really had wet dreams about defending the law?

[ Surprisingly, Barry's tone isn't actually that judging about that. ]

[moneyballer]

C'mon man, don't be a hater. It's not my fault if people think my booty is fly!

[Asher doesn't seem to be too deterred.]

Every guy's got his fantasies. Hey, hey! Mine are just creative! Like me.

[He flicks a wrist in the direction in the camera.]

[tardily]

[ There's this brief moment where Barry considers not saying what he's about to say but honestly he can't even resist. ]

I'm pretty sure most of us have seen fly-er or have fly-er ones ourselves.

[ Which is so not the point but needs to be said. ]

I think that might cross into slightly weird even if that is creative. I'm not entirely if I want to know how you even do that. [ He really doesn't even from a sort of morbid curiosity standpoint. ] Is your wrist okay? [ Seriously Asher, it looks like you might have hurt it doing that flick. ]

[moneyballer]

Pfffft! Comin' from a guy with no booty?

[Asher. Asher how do you know. He may look skinny from just his face but- Butt??? is that better]

I don't think that means all that much. And my wrist is fine, damn it! God.

[To be fair, he set himself up for this.]

Everyone's got their weird kinks. Don't tell me you don't have a few of those, bub. It's totally normal.

[asher he could be asexual

aren't u trying]

[tardily]

I'm not showing you my— butt to prove you wrong. But I've been told I have a very nice one.

[ Is that the truth or was that just his ( not actually leather ) super suit talking when it came to the butt? That is a mystery that's never going to be solved. Ever. ]

If I do. [ He does. ] They're not something I usually broadcast to a general population. Just because most people don't want to know other people's kinks unless they're sleeping together?

[ Actually. ] Bub. [ That was supposed to be a question but it lacks that little inflection to make it one. A+ there. ]

[moneyballer]

I'd bet money on the fact that mine's nicer.

[Asher...]

So what? I totally believe in sexual freedom, broski. Preach!

[PREACH WHAT

ASHER SOMETIMES PEOPLE WANT YOU TO STOP TALKING

honestly that's actually all the time]

[tardily]

Do you actually have money here?

[ Barry. ]

That's— [ Not sexual freedom, oh my god this conversation is something he was one hundred percent not prepared for. What are you Asher? ] Did you really just say preach?

[ PREACH WHAT. WHAT IS BEING PREACHED.

WHY IS THAT SOMETHING ACTUALLY SAID? ]

[moneyballer]

I have some money.

[yo rude]

What? That's just how I roll.

[tardily]

You're new, I remember getting here, it can't be that much.

[ rude but some is really vague, bro. ]

By saying preach. Who really says preach unironically?