001 | Video

[moneyballer]

Okay, so this superhero gig? Best. Thing. Ever!

[Each word is accompanied by animated hand gestures and unnecessary head bobbing. Better get used to it.]

Yo, this is frickin’ awesome! I mean, I wanted to defend the law and all, but this? This is better than all the wet dreams I’ve ever had! And, phew! I’ve had some great ones. Madonna? She may be old, but that chick can get it.

[Why is he gesturing to the viewer like he won an Oscar or something? What the hell is his problem?]

Some guys wouldn’t be caught dead walking around in spandex and a pair of tighty-whities, but… You can’t deny that this bodacious badonkadonk-

[Asher sets the device on the table in front of him, doing a twirl for the camera. Oh god, is that a booty pop? It is. Someone stop this man.]

Would look great in a supersuit.

Comments

[notyourfathersosborn]

[Puts his hand in front of his mouth in a (failed) attempt to stifle his laughter. Though he has no idea who this guy is, his personality reminds him of a friend back home.]

I meant it as a compliment.

You might want to refrain from inviting people under the legal drinking age to go get buzzed with you, seeing as you want to be an attorney and all. That whole pesky law thing.

[moneyballer]

You've got a strong jaw for someone who's under the legal drinking age.

[because like... didn't all those old superheroes have big chins

this guy has a really really big chin]

[notyourfathersosborn]

I turn 21 next week, actually.

And I wasn't aware that someone's jaw gave away their age.

[If he knew Asher thought he was a superhero, he'd be Normie's favorite person right now.]

[moneyballer]

[isn't everyone here a hero or villain

you don't look very villainy what kind of villain has a name like normie

normie that's a worm name that's a fucking worm name]

Oh! The big 2-1! You gonna celebrate?

Okay. So we can't party now, but we can definitely party later.

[notyourfathersosborn]

[Yes, for the most part, but that doesn't stop people for usually placing him in the "villain" category based on his name alone.]

I, uh, actually didn't have any plans. [Which yes, he already knows that's blasphemy.]

Sure. Any time after April 20th.

[moneyballer]

Oh! Sweet. You've got a place in mind? I'd take ya to the swankiest joint in town, but...

[He shrugs.]

I've only been here for a few days. Let's go bar-hopping! Bring your boys along!

[As an afterthought:]

Or girls. And your girls? Girls can come too! Especially if they're fine as hell.

[notyourfathersosborn]

Like I said, nothing, but bar-hopping sounds like a plan. We'll find the best spot in town.

[Awww you're sweet for thinking he has either one of those. Sadly, he's been mostly keeping to himself since he got here.]

The only girl I'm friends with here is 16. [There's that slight tone hidden in his voice that implies if you try anything with said underage girl, it will not end well for you or anyone else involved.] We can count her out.

[moneyballer]

Whoa, dude.

[He actually sounds pretty serious here.]

Don't go down that road. Trust me- The jail time isn't worth it.

[ASHER WHAT ARE YOU INSINUATING

HE SAID FRIEND?!]

[notyourfathersosborn]

[Normie sputters because Oh my god did he genuinely just insinuate him and May are--]

Dude, she's practically my kid sister!

Not here

[daughteroftheoriginal]

[Ouch!]

[moneyballer]

And that makes it even worse.

[notyourfathersosborn]

[He buries his face in his hands. This can't be happening.]

That's not even funny, man. Come on.

[moneyballer]

You've gotta admit- It's a little funny.

[notyourfathersosborn]

I'm married!

[Holds up his left hand to the camera, his wedding ring glinting in the light.]

[moneyballer]

Aren't you a little young to be married?

[Michaela's engaged, but she's Asher's age. This guy is just 20, right? Sheesh.]

[notyourfathersosborn]

She's the one. We weren't going to wait.

[moneyballer]

Oh yeah?

[Oh no, his brows are bouncing.

He's definitely insinuating that they didn't wait to do a certain something.]

[notyourfathersosborn]

Dude.

[They weren't that traditional.]

[moneyballer]

[Asher just chuckles.]

Calm your tits, man. That's totally normal. It's 2015.

[Or at least, it was in his world.]

I'll see you on your birthday. Are we cool? Oh! And uh, did I get your name?

[notyourfathersosborn]

You at least have to get me drunk first before I start divulging my personal life, buddy.

[Motions to the part of the screen that displays his name: Norman Osborn.]

It's Norman. Or Normie.

And that sounds like a plan.

[moneyballer]

Normie? No offense dude, but, is your only friend like...

Your mom?

[notyourfathersosborn]

[His mom died this past year. Way to go, Asher.]

Yes, I was trying to move away from my childhood nickname, but it's just say I have my reasons for begrudgingly bringing it back here.

[moneyballer]

[These are the kinds of situations Asher gets himself into.]

Okay.

[Asher isn't sure why someone would want to be referred to as anything like that. The thought of losing a parent doesn't even cross his mind, frankly, because despite the tension between his father and himself, he couldn't imagine it.

He wouldn't be sure what to do.]

I can respect that.

[notyourfathersosborn]

In a semi-related matter, should you ever come across the other Norman Osborn, that's my grandfather.