001 | Video

[moneyballer]

Okay, so this superhero gig? Best. Thing. Ever!

[Each word is accompanied by animated hand gestures and unnecessary head bobbing. Better get used to it.]

Yo, this is frickin’ awesome! I mean, I wanted to defend the law and all, but this? This is better than all the wet dreams I’ve ever had! And, phew! I’ve had some great ones. Madonna? She may be old, but that chick can get it.

[Why is he gesturing to the viewer like he won an Oscar or something? What the hell is his problem?]

Some guys wouldn’t be caught dead walking around in spandex and a pair of tighty-whities, but… You can’t deny that this bodacious badonkadonk-

[Asher sets the device on the table in front of him, doing a twirl for the camera. Oh god, is that a booty pop? It is. Someone stop this man.]

Would look great in a supersuit.

Comments

[moneyballer]

Really? Sweet!

[cue fistpump

maybe this place has a cure for male pattern baldness!!! maybe he can change his pasty fate]

[ursawhiner]

Ah, you're welcome? Not that it looks like you have anything to worry about right now.

[moneyballer]

Yeah, worrying's probably what'll make it fall out anyway...

[oh wait where was this conversation going]

Yo, isn't it getting to be past your bedtime, kiddo? You must have some really lax parents! Letting you stay up late and all that stuff.

[ursawhiner]

My parents aren't here. And there's no point in having a bedtime if there's no school.

[moneyballer]

What?

[Hold on a second.]

They just pulled you in here without your parents? You've got to have a legal guardian or something! An older sibling, an uncle, maybe...

[ursawhiner]

Uh, my sister's here? But she lives in Florida. We're planning on switching between apartments.

[You don't want Grunkle Stan here.]

[moneyballer]

[Asher doesn't like the sound of that.

Okay, so this kid's sister is here, and those shmucks in the government didn't even have the decency to room them together. They're not required to go to school, either.]

Please tell me you live close to the border.

[Of Florida, that is.]

[ursawhiner]

I live in Pennsylvania. But right now I'm in Heropa.

[The CPS don't got nothing on us!]

[moneyballer]

You better be with your sister.

[ursawhiner]

Well, yeah. I'm not leaving her alone when she's been here by herself for almost a year.

[moneyballer]

[...]

How old is she?

[ursawhiner]

We're both twelve.

[moneyballer]

So there are two twelve-year-olds in a house alone.

[Fullstop.]

In a city full of murderers and psychopaths.

[Cue a very disgruntled sigh.

Asher isn't sure why the other adults haven't done anything. There are plenty of them on the network! Why isn't anybody helping these kids out? It's annoying, to say the least.

This kind of shit really gets under his skin, believe it or not.]

Where in Heropa are you? Like, house number and all that jazz.

[ursawhiner]

I'm not telling you where we are when you just talked about murderers and psychopaths!

[A voice in the background can be heard going, "We're in number 18!"]

Mabel!

1/2 [video]

[moneyballer]

[HOLD ON A MINUTE]

No fucking way.

2/3 i lied [action]

[moneyballer]

[HE'S STOMPING ALL OVER THE HOUSE WHERE ARE THE KIDS WHERE ARE THEY??? ARE THEY SO SMALL THEY CAN'T BE SEEN BY HUMAN EYES, DOES HE NEED THE HELP OF A MICROSCOPE-]

3/3

[moneyballer]

[Loudly, as he busts open the door:]

You!

[Oh wow there's that kid from earlier. Wait, were they talking to him while they were in the same room?]

You two! Go the frick to sleep, for crying out loud.

[ursawhiner]

[Dipper makes what is a totally manly shrieking noise and throws a book at Asher.]

What are you doing in here?!

[moneyballer]

[AND HE'S HIT BY THE BOOK OUCH THAT HURTS

Clumsily, he kicks the fallen book to the side.]

I live here, you moron! This is my house! Uh, the house they put me in.

[His real house is big and fancy, and oh yeah, it smells like old white people. Rich old white people.

Honestly, it's really his father's house.]

[glitterateur]

[Mabel rolls out of a blanket fort set up in the corner of the room, armed with a pair of knitting needles. She heard her brother's adorable scream! She's ready to rescue him.]

Dipper! Stand back, you-- oh!

[So that guy wasn't totally confused when he told her his house number. Okay, cool, good to know.

She lowers the needles. Non-threatening!!] You really do live here! I thought you had the wrong house or something. Hi!

[moneyballer]

[child child child

Asher now understands why there were so many frozen waffles in the refrigerator. And all that chocolate sauce?! So that wasn't the landlord just being nice. He whispers to himself, almost inaudibly:]

There's so much alcohol in this house.

[Asher had made the mistake of assuming he was in this house alone when he stopped by the convenience store this morning...]

[ursawhiner]

Did you break in here just to store your alcohol?

[Dipper hasn't quite gotten with the program yet.]

[moneyballer]

I live in this house, you-

[Asher stops himself mid-sentence. He refrains from using colorful language at this point in time, and his unsteady hands rest at his sides. A breath leaves his lips, the sound is something like that of a sigh.]

This is where they stationed me when I got here.

[Uncertainty takes hold of him with cold, clammy fingers. His eyes dart from the floor to the wall as he waits for a response. What can they do, kick him out? They're kids.

He's going stay, no matter what.

It's better this way.]

[glitterateur]

The government guys do that sometimes. His story checks out! [Mabel walks a circle around Asher, inspecting him. She thought they were done assigning her roommates after Jemma left, and now that she's got her brother she's not as desperately lonely. They can have standards now for people allowed in the Mysteries and Sticker Shack (name in progress). This guy can dance and he's willing to be part of her entourage, but is he worthy?]

Hmmmm.... okay. [She stops, standing front of Asher and staring him down. Mabel looks very serious, and it's adorable.]

If you're gonna live here, we need to know some things. Important things. Question one! Do you like pigs? Question two! What are your thoughts on pancakes? What about pancakes with chocolate chips?

[moneyballer]

[pigs????

yes they're adorable and weird and dirty he does like them (because he is one)]

I love me a good slice of bacon in the morning.

[BAD DA Y NOT WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY]

And as for pancakes, I'll, heh!

[He throws his shouldersback, closing his eyes and nodding confidently.]

I'll let you in on a little secret. Turns out this bad boy-

[he's pointing to himself unfortunately]

Can make a mean stack of those.