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[rathercommon]

Hullo, everyone. It's Kitty. I've not been around for a little while, but - I'm back now. In Heropa. And, erm - just for anyone who cares - both Mandrake and Bartimaeus have gone home. So I'm the only one left from my world now.

[ Her expression following that announcement is a mixture of disgust (because that sounded dreary and pathetic, didn't it) and sadness. Then, with a little shake of her head (you can practically hear her telling herself to stiffen her upper lip) she continues on: ]

Right. So - all right. I recently made a rumblr - that's an account on the website rumblr-dot-com - and I've actually managed to get quite a few followers. It turns out people are completely mad for having imPorts friended on social media. Anyway, it's actually really great - there are lots of really worthy causes out there, and when I pick them up they get spread around pretty nicely. It keeps this celebrity thing from being overbearingly stupid. I generally ask my followers to bring causes to my attention. This week I'm trying to help raise funds for maintaining latrines in areas where people practice open defecation. A lack of proper sanitation is linked incredibly closely to higher rates of infant mortality and shorter lifespans, but a billion people in the world live without access to it. And it doesn't take all that much money to make a change. So I'm trying to raise funds for that this week. Next week, we're going to be taking a look at raising money to help with mass deworming.

My rumblr is called 'therealkittyjones,' if anyone wants to follow me.

I'm also looking for people to help out with some fundraising for these causes. I've been in touch with a radio station, and I'm thinking we ought to do a celebrity version of two truths and a lie - in honor of all that rubbish at the last swear-in, you know. What happens is you come onto the program and you give me two true statements and one lie. Listeners go online and they wager five dollars on which one's the lie. If they get it right, they get an autographed picture of you, and if they get it wrong then their money just goes to charity. You'll also put up some of your own money, and if I manage to guess on-air which one's the lie you have to donate too. I've gotten asks for some of the imPorts in particular - [ She leans forward and clicks to another window on her communicator, her eyes moving as she reads. ] So, Superman, Mr Stark, Mr Hundred, Mr Wayne, Mr Gamagori, Mr Taylor, Mr Xanatos, Mr Callaghan, consider yourselves called out - you know, reading off all those men, I just realized how sexist my followers are, eurgh. There are a few women on this list too, but not nearly enough. Olivier, Sabriel, Power Girl...Actually, you know, pretty much everybody's interesting to the locals. I think all of you are on here, the list is like five pages long. We've just got far too many men here, haven't we?

[ And she sits back, her eyes focusing as she comes back to the window of her webcam. ]

Anyway, it'll only take about an hour of your time, and it's for a good cause. A series of good causes. Plus you'll get to talk about yourself, and I've never met anyone who wasn't at least a little bit obsessed with themselves. So...let me know if you're interested and I'll set up all the details.

Right. Anyway, thanks for listening.

Comments

[slightlyoffchilt]

I'm not going to sugarcoat said methodology for you. You don't have to be ashamed of your outcome providing justification.

[He's somewhat dismissive in tone; discussion about ethics isn't high on his agenda.]

Two names for your list: Jeff Winger and Will Graham.

[rathercommon]

No, hold on.

[ She puts her hands on her hips. ]

I'm not letting you get away with that just because you talk fast. It's an interview. People give money to find out things they're interested in. And people look at problems that need to be solved and use this as a fun, silly opportunity for helping to solve them. That's what it is, so I'm not going to put up with you sniffing at it.

[ She lifts her chin. ]

You're going to volunteer.

[slightlyoffchilt]

I did just volunteer. I gave you two names, one of whom is highly invested in his own publicity, and the other who is a polar opposite. [He pauses, his voice straining with emphasis.] That sort of contrast is desirable.

[It isn't what Kitty meant, and he knows it.]

If there is any sniffing on my part, it's only enacted in the same way one would scent a particularly marvelous bourbon... That has been attained by questionably legal means, and thus invokes a layered emotional investment. Consider that a compliment.

[rathercommon]

[ She dismisses his quip with a growl of irritation, followed by an emphatic: ]

You're going to volunteer yourself.

[slightlyoffchilt]

I'm going to volunteer my staff. [That smirk in his voice is audible.] Reggie Mantle and Matthew Lin.

Do you know Mr. Mantle? He has a taste for pretty people. So does Mr. Lin, in fact, but that might be a more literal use of the phrase.

[rathercommon]

[ Hold on. That catches her attention. Her eyes narrow, and she says - all annoyance put to the side, too intent even to be flustered by that aside about pretty people: ]

Yeah, I know them. They work for you? Doing what?

[slightlyoffchilt]

[He seizes upon that reaction, highly pleased that his hook landed. But lest he seem too eager, Chilton cautioned a more careful tone of voice:]

Reggie is my administrative assistant, and Matthew is my security detail. Psychiatry is invigorating work, you know. One greatly benefits from a loyal and capable staff.

[rathercommon]

[ But does Chilton know that Abduxel is a demon? Or that Reggie is an arsehole? (The answer to that second question is, inevitably, an emphatic 'yes.' It's hard to miss.) ]

Hold on, Matthew works security? But he's so scrawny.

[slightlyoffchilt]

[He does, on both counts -- the leading reasons to their respective hires, because Chilton.]

I wouldn't underestimate him. Or his ability to deceive.

More the reason to suggest him for your project, isn't it?

[rathercommon]

[ Hm. That could go either way, couldn't it. Well, anyway - ]

You can't request interviews with other imPorts unless you sign up for rumblr and send me an ask.

[slightlyoffchilt]

That sounds a lot like an assisting administrative duty.

[rathercommon]

Yeah, it would be if it were a rumblr for your business, but I don't think business rumblrs exist. This is on you.

[slightlyoffchilt]

We both know I'm not about to rumble on the internet for you, and much less for this. I suppose the public will simply have to miss out on the charming personalities of my suggestions -- a pity, really, but what can one do?

-- Is there a fake Kitty Jones? On this rumblr. Are there multiple fake Kitty Joneses? Your username inspires so many questions.

[rathercommon]

There was, actually, yeah. They were doing a pretty good impression of me, though - it was fairly impressive.

Anyway, back to the important part, which is that you have to volunteer.

[slightlyoffchilt]

I'm not on that list, I'm not going to volunteer. After all -- far be it for me to take the place of someone requested! Imagine the outcry! The impending violence, goodness. I cannot be held personally responsible for the rioting that would surely follow.

You might as well just double your efforts to secure Tony Stark, I know he pleases a niche audience. Do lonely, wine-soaked housewives in their forties rumble? Yes? Then he'll do fine, I have no doubt.

[rathercommon]

Actually, you have been requested. So...I guess they must. Rumble, that is.

[slightlyoffchilt]

I'm prepared to break a few individual hearts. I would much rather engage them at a psychiatric conference anyway.

[Because, as his logic follows, he has far more sway and impact in the psychiatric community, and that's where he anticipates his reputation. His fellow (hypothesized) doctors could meet him on common ground, surely!]

I do wonder if your imposters sought to mimic you for your attention? Oh, no, I haven't let that revelation go, Ms. The Real Kitty Jones.

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[abduxel]

Excuse me?

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[rathercommon]

Well, you are. I could beat you up if I wanted to.

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[abduxel]

I'm not scrawny! Arm wrestle me. I dare you.

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[rathercommon]

I will. Don't think I won't.

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[abduxel]

[He cracks his knuckles dramatically.] When and where?

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[rathercommon]

I suppose right now, in my home, since that's where I am.

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[abduxel]

See you soon. [He points at his eyes with two fingers and then at the camera before cutting the feed.]

[-->action??]

Action! also I can edit this if he'd be coming through the mirror instead

[rathercommon]

[ When Abduxel gets there, it turns out that he's been subjected to the ol' bait-and-switch: Kitty has, probably unsurprisingly, put the kettle on. And when she opens the door to him, it's with a very cordial smile. ]

Hullo, Abduxel. You do drink tea, right?