video;

[helpline]

[ The first thing you see....is pumpkins. So many pumpkins. This house is full of pumpkins in various stages of being carved. Those who know Hazel can easily recognize this scene of mass chaos as Residence #11. However, the chalk scribbles on the wall are decidedly not hers. To start with, some of them are in a different language that looks kind of circly.

The personless scene lasts only for a moment before the Doctor scurries into frame, looking a mixture of confused and frowny. He's looking kind of magician, wearing a black coat over a black hoodie. Finally, he's holding an owl by the scruff of it's neck (can you do that with an owl? Who knows, the Doctor's doing so). Said owl is Owlfonso, the skateboarding owl that really doesn't want to be here right now and is desperately trying to peck the Doctor's fingers. ]

I want to clarify first that for once, none of this is my fault. [ except the chalk writing, which is obviously his, but that either a: goes without commenting on or b: the Doctor's forgotten it by now. also wow, that sure is a Scottish accent ] That being said- [ WHAM the camera gets a face full of owl ]

Is this normal? I mean, normal for owls. Is this how I can tell this dimension apart from my dimension? No eyepatches, no goatees, just owls that can suddenly skateboard? [ He backs poor Owlfonso away from the camera, as the Doctor's still got an expression that's pure 'what the hell is this shit' ] Well, skateboarding owls and a postponed perestroika. Spoilers, you're twenty years out of date.

[ pause, frown. The Doctor looks over at poor Owlfonso with a sort of resigned expression. ] The alternate dimension of owls and Communism. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Comments

[helpline]

Actually grand. One of them threw the most important punch in the history of the universe and the other is a lizard woman from the dawn of time.

[ said 100% SERIOUS ]

[deadtective]

[there's a pause as Hazel mulls this over, and then:]

Yeah, that sounds about right for the profession.

[helpline]

I suppose the profession does attract a certain type. [ shrug! ]

[deadtective]

What, weirdos with fucking shitass morals? It's swimming in them.

[helpline]

[ he's about to say something....but yeah, no, they both had terrible morals. ] No, you're right, I really can't contest that.

[deadtective]

Damn right you can't, because it's true.

[helpline]

[ somehow the Doctor gets the feeling that she will never let this go. ] If you hold this against me for too long, I'm going to throw chalk at your head.

[deadtective]

It's not going to do you any good.

[helpline]

It'll make me feel better and really, that's what matters.

[deadtective]

Not for long.

[helpline]

You seem bound and determined to crush my dreams.

[deadtective]

Everybody needs a hobby.

[helpline]

Have you tried knitting?

[deadtective]

I don't want to talk about knitting.

[THERE WAS AN INCIDENT. A YARN FESTIVAL INCIDENT.]

[helpline]

[ siiiiiiigh ]

Decoupage, then?

[deadtective]

I already have enough fucking hobbies without getting crazy on the crafting.

[helpline]

What, like pumpkins? Pumpkins aren't a hobby.

[deadtective]

Pumpkins are a perfectly fine hobby, what the hell do you know?

[it doesn't matter that pumpkins wasn't her answer, she's going to argue this.]

[helpline]

You can't have a hobby that only exists for part of the year. Besides, what do you even do with the pumpkins?

[ whereas he just 100% straight up thinks that pumpkins are her hobby ]

[deadtective]

You can buy pumpkins whenever the fuck you want to, they're just more expensive if it's not around Halloween. And you build shit out of them, duh! Jack-o-lantern sculptures and crap.

[helpline]

Yes, but then everything smells like pumpkins. Which, granted, it could smell worse, but surely that would get boring after a while.

[deadtective]

That's what air fresheners are for, dude.

[helpline]

But then the house smells like new car or summer's breeze or something else that's a candle name.

[deadtective]

I don't know, fresh linen is pretty standard outside of Yankee Candle.

[helpline]

There are the other names though. Like, Grandmother's House, how can you have a candle that smells like Grandmother's house? It's statistically impossible!