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[ The first thing you see....is pumpkins. So many pumpkins. This house is full of pumpkins in various stages of being carved. Those who know Hazel can easily recognize this scene of mass chaos as Residence #11. However, the chalk scribbles on the wall are decidedly not hers. To start with, some of them are in a different language that looks kind of circly.

The personless scene lasts only for a moment before the Doctor scurries into frame, looking a mixture of confused and frowny. He's looking kind of magician, wearing a black coat over a black hoodie. Finally, he's holding an owl by the scruff of it's neck (can you do that with an owl? Who knows, the Doctor's doing so). Said owl is Owlfonso, the skateboarding owl that really doesn't want to be here right now and is desperately trying to peck the Doctor's fingers. ]

I want to clarify first that for once, none of this is my fault. [ except the chalk writing, which is obviously his, but that either a: goes without commenting on or b: the Doctor's forgotten it by now. also wow, that sure is a Scottish accent ] That being said- [ WHAM the camera gets a face full of owl ]

Is this normal? I mean, normal for owls. Is this how I can tell this dimension apart from my dimension? No eyepatches, no goatees, just owls that can suddenly skateboard? [ He backs poor Owlfonso away from the camera, as the Doctor's still got an expression that's pure 'what the hell is this shit' ] Well, skateboarding owls and a postponed perestroika. Spoilers, you're twenty years out of date.

[ pause, frown. The Doctor looks over at poor Owlfonso with a sort of resigned expression. ] The alternate dimension of owls and Communism. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

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[ Dear Lord, the Cardinal has gone mad.

Athos is torn between letting all of this insanity happen while having no part of it and knowing that if he doesn't intervene now something terrible might happen. He was preferable to Rochefort but that doesn't make him any less dangerous. ]

It is a lot to take in. [ Is he being kind? To the man who shot Aramis' lover out of jealousy? Probably not. But he wants to get him as far away from here as possible. ] Perhaps we should meet and I could explain it better for you, Monsieur Cardinal.

[ Cardinal. Again, people think he's a cardinal. Why does everybody think he's a cardinal? First time's a mistake, second time's alright now something's up, third time's OH COME ON. So the Doctor can't help but make an aggravated little groan before he looks at the camera ]

I. Am not. a cardinal!

No, not any more.

[ He wonders if the files gave him knowledge of his death and this is why he is like this. ]

What is that writing?

No, I never was one to begin with. I'm the Doctor. [ but okay, writing, he can talk about writing, it's something that's not the fact that he's not a cardinal at least ]

Gallifreyan. I wanted to write down what happened when I was Ported in right when it was still bouncing around my memory.

[ If he's trying to hide from all the terrible things he's done then he's doing a poor job of it.

When Athos replies his tone is biting. ] A doctor? Usually you dispatch men to hell, not help keep them from it.

[ you are crushing his spirit, Athos. ]

I'm not that kind of doctor to begin with. [ siiiiigh ] But look, I can prove it. You and your other pudding brain friends who keep calling me the cardinal. I can prove to you that I'm not him.

[ Pudding brain. Athos looks wildly offended, his eyebrows climbing half way into his rather voluminous hair. ]

Then pray, monseigneur, how will you prove it?

Feel my pulse! [ said as he thrusts his wrist to the camera

....someone has forgotten they're on video ]

[ Athos lets out a small, disbelieving noise. ]

A little difficult at present, your Eminence. [ He should feel sorry for him but for all the pain he is caused Athos finds himself viciously pleased. ] Perhaps you need a drink, to sit down. It is a lot to take in and your demise may be adding to that.

I'm not dead. [ sulk sulk sulk sulk sulk. ] You'll just have to meet me in person to feel my pulse then. Bring Tweedledee and Tweedledum along with you, maybe they'll stop calling me the Cardinal then.

Porthos. D'Artagnan. You know them, you should use their names.

[ God, he always wants to fight this man. ]

Nope.

[ look, he's already (badly) dealt with Robin Hood being real, he's not going to deal with the Three Musketeers being real. just nope. nope nope nope nope, this is already too silly as it is. ]

So let me guess, you're Aramis?

No.

[ Wow, the flatness to his voice, the emptiness to his face. He does not sleep with people ever, how dare you. ]

My name is Athos. As you well know.

No, as I don't know, because I'm not Richelieu.

[ if he says it enough, maybe these guys will pick up... ]

[ Nope. ]

What plan are you brewing?

Really, it's mostly just trying to get it through your head that you're wrong. I wouldn't call that a 'plan' though, more of an annoyance.

[ Sighing. ]

At least your arrogance has not suffered much.

Excuse you, I'm hardly arrogant!

[ Athos looks distinctively unimpressed. ]

I'm sure.

[ HUFF HUFF HUFF pout pout pout ]

I'm cross, I'll admit that, but cross and grumpy is not arrogant. Besides, it's not arrogance if you know the other party's incompetent.

[ He's as offensive as the Cardinal, that must is true. ]

I assure you, I am much better than any of your band of thugs and thieves. [ Yep, the Red Guards are losers. Pass it on. ]

Why do you persist in this lie? What benefit is there?

Because it's not a lie! I don't know how many times I have to say it before this gets in that stupid French head of yours, but I am the Doctor!

[ The Doctor just looks like sooner or later he's just gonna throw the phone against the wall and sulk, it's immoveable force meets immoveable object right here ]

Well then if it is true I find it hard to respect a man who gives only a title and not a name.

[ Take it from the former Comte. ]

Who said it wasn't my name?

[ Athos remains unimpressed. ]

English may not be my first language and it is only by the grace of this place I can speak it. But I know enough. And I ask again - Doctor who?

( video. ) THREE FOR THE PRICE OF ONE.

( video. ) TIME TO GIVE ALL THE MUSKETEERS HEADACHES

( video. ) this has been something we've been waiting for lmao

( video. ) omfg bless

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( video. ) i'm sorry, i'm so sorry.