video;

[helpline]

[ The first thing you see....is pumpkins. So many pumpkins. This house is full of pumpkins in various stages of being carved. Those who know Hazel can easily recognize this scene of mass chaos as Residence #11. However, the chalk scribbles on the wall are decidedly not hers. To start with, some of them are in a different language that looks kind of circly.

The personless scene lasts only for a moment before the Doctor scurries into frame, looking a mixture of confused and frowny. He's looking kind of magician, wearing a black coat over a black hoodie. Finally, he's holding an owl by the scruff of it's neck (can you do that with an owl? Who knows, the Doctor's doing so). Said owl is Owlfonso, the skateboarding owl that really doesn't want to be here right now and is desperately trying to peck the Doctor's fingers. ]

I want to clarify first that for once, none of this is my fault. [ except the chalk writing, which is obviously his, but that either a: goes without commenting on or b: the Doctor's forgotten it by now. also wow, that sure is a Scottish accent ] That being said- [ WHAM the camera gets a face full of owl ]

Is this normal? I mean, normal for owls. Is this how I can tell this dimension apart from my dimension? No eyepatches, no goatees, just owls that can suddenly skateboard? [ He backs poor Owlfonso away from the camera, as the Doctor's still got an expression that's pure 'what the hell is this shit' ] Well, skateboarding owls and a postponed perestroika. Spoilers, you're twenty years out of date.

[ pause, frown. The Doctor looks over at poor Owlfonso with a sort of resigned expression. ] The alternate dimension of owls and Communism. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Comments

Video

[helpline]

Show how little you know.

[ geez Mitch, you get attacked by animals once or twice and suddenly you're a big animal racist ]

Video

[viced]

[ Once or twice... ]

Well I'm not exactly an expert. Animals kind of hate me, but... still?

Like I don't know anyone who does that. It's just...different. To anything I've ever seen before.

Video

[helpline]

Well, of course you don't know anyone who does that. [ Time Lord, last(ish) of his species, he's the only one who does that. ]

As for animals that hate you, here's a simple solution: find one that doesn't.

Video

[viced]

Uh -- they don't exist?

[ Literally. ]

I've tried.

Video

[helpline]

Think outside the box, then! I'm sure we can find some animal that likes you, even if we've got to make one ourselves.

Video

[viced]

That, uh --

I don't think that would work, pal. It's just a part of being me.

Video

[helpline]

You simply haven't met the right animals! Really, if K-9 could tolerate one of my more erratic regenerations, I'm sure he would have tolerated you.

[ ROBOT DOGS, MITCH. robot dogs solve your problem ]

Video

[viced]

K-9?

The robot dog?

[ Oh well.


That would do it. ]

He's not organic though, that's...different.

Video

[helpline]

You've met him before? [ just plowing though, time to argue more semantics ] But he is a dog, so it still counts.

Video

[viced]

No, ah --

Don't worry about it.

It's a shame he's not here, unless you're going to build another one.

Video

[helpline]

I could build another one. It'd certainly keep me occupied until I find a way to get to the Porter.

[ K-9 mark...shit, I think we're on five at this point ]

Video

[viced]

Good luck with that one.

Even if you could, it's not likely you could force it to do what you want it to do -- which I assume is send you home.

Video

[helpline]

Oh ye of little faith.

Video

[viced]

So sue me, I've been here six years, I've heard this thing before.

And it never really works out.

Video

[helpline]

Six years...I imagine you've given up and become domestic during that time.

Video

[viced]

I'm a politician, it was a lot less than that, honestly.

Video

[helpline]

You're a politician?

I'm so sorry. I'm sure we can do something about that.

Video

[viced]

I like being a politician, though.

Video

[helpline]

Again, I'm sure there's something we can do about that.

Video

[viced]

It doesn't help if I say I'd prefer if you did nothing about it?

Video

[helpline]

They've got you already. I'm sorry, but the brainwashing might be a bit too strong, you're doomed to be a politician forever.

Video

[viced]

You realize that it is not as bad as someone like you makes it out to be, right?

Actually, it's not a bad job at all.

Video

[helpline]

Who are your friends and family so I can inform them of your terrible brainwashing accident?

[ SORRY MITCHELL, this is a guy who has a thousand plus years of not wanting to be handed power, you're really fricken weird ]

Video

[viced]

[ LAUGHS INTERNALLY... ]

Well they're...back home? I mean -- I was a politician back there too. It's... that's my job?

Video

[helpline]

[ the correct answer here is "what friends?" ]

Nope, the brainwashing is too deep, you're a lost cause. I hope you're resigned to spending the rest of your life as a government drone.