001 | video

[ferrisbuellean]

[The video feed pans on to a well dressed, perfectly presented guy offering a winning smile as he sits in the booth of some fancy bar, all wood and leather, while nursing a glass of whiskey. Someone else is holding the camera and there's enough shaky cam and unfocused zooming to make the Bourne franchise jealous.]

Hey there. Do you like watching a ridiculously good looking man do law stuff? Want to watch him play some nondescript puzzle game on his phone for an entire hour? If yes, then have I got a surprise for you. If no, watch it anyway because apparently I need the ratings.

Jeff Winger here, Lawyer at Large and city hero bringing you a brand new series about me. [Another oh-so charming smile and a dramatic point to the camera.] And law!

Danger! Intrigue! Thrills! These are some things you'll probably never see in my show, but watch it anyway because hey, you might just strike it lucky. And ladies, you might just strike it lucky with me.

[Smirk smirk smirk, pause and then a glance off camera to someone, smugness replaced with a curious furrow of brows.] You guys do know I was disbarred ri-- [And the feed ends.]

Comments

[ferrisbuellean]

Ugh, the public are so demanding. It's like they want more than just a ridiculously handsome face.

[dogsled]

Well they do. They have expectations. I'm told it's quite stressful.
Of course my experience with documentary filmmakers has been...utterly unforgiving.

[ferrisbuellean]

You have experience? Do tell.

[dogsled]

Well, they weren't real film makers, they only posed as filmmakers to kidnap a train full of Mounties, ostensibly intending to document the making of the Musical Ride.
Fortunately I was on hand to see through their poor disguises.

[ferrisbuellean]

Wow, I really hope the same doesn't happen with my film crew. Whatever would I do if they tried to steal a train full of Mounties?

[dogsled]

And drive it into another train carrying nuclear material.

[ferrisbuellean]

See, yeah, that sounds like a whole lot of effort to prevent.

[dogsled]

It was somewhat of a circus, yes. There was some trick riding involved, a fight on a moving train, a kiss, and an impossible rifle shot.

[ferrisbuellean]

I can't even tell if you're being sarcastic any more.

[dogsled]

I assure you it all happened.

[ He scratches his chin. ] It was one of our more unusual cases, Ray and I, but hardly the least believable, come to think of it.

Has nothing ever happened to you that would be difficult to explain to other people?

[ferrisbuellean]

Huh.

I don't think I could ever accurately explain Greendale to anyone outside of the college, so... maybe.

[dogsled]

Would you care to try?

[ferrisbuellean]

Nnnot really. I mean, it's all just one big 'you had to be there' kind of things. Seems a waste to talk about that when there's this whole universal travel thing going on.

[dogsled]

Well, is it more or less difficult to explain than multidimensional spacetime travel?

[ferrisbuellean]

[Pause for genuine thought. Yes, he's actually trying to decide whether a shitty community college is harder to explain than multidimensional spacetime travel.]

More. This whole thing is simple in comparison. And way more cool. Can we just remember for a moment that people have superpowers here?

[dogsled]

[ Fraser tilts his head, curiously. How is that even a question. ]

Are superpowers not cool?

[ferrisbuellean]

They're extremely cool. Why would I ever want to talk about some crappy community college when we have all of this?

[Because avoidance is the best way to not miss his friends, waah.]

[dogsled]

You've been attending community college? That must have been quite the change of pace.

[ferrisbuellean]

Sure, you could say that. You could also say it's humiliating, crappy, and crushed the souls of all who attended. You know what's better though? Superpowers.

C'mon, spill, what'd you get?

[dogsled]

[ Fraser scratches his nose awkwardly. ] I ah--my hat gives me the power of invulnerability.

[ferrisbuellean]

Not only creative but actually pretty damn useful, I imagine? Who doesn't want to be invulnerable?

[dogsled]

I suppose. I also change into animals, which I find somewhat more useful.

[ferrisbuellean]

Also useful. Probably. I can't really think of why but I'm sure it is.

[dogsled]

Well, my work often calls for me to move swiftly and unnoticed. For the sake of surveillance, among other things. But there's an advantage to being able to change into a polar bear in a fight.

[ferrisbuellean]

I'd be pretty tempted to just be a polar bear 24/7. Go shopping like that and no one is gonna argue if you walk out without paying, amiright?