001 | video

[ferrisbuellean]

[The video feed pans on to a well dressed, perfectly presented guy offering a winning smile as he sits in the booth of some fancy bar, all wood and leather, while nursing a glass of whiskey. Someone else is holding the camera and there's enough shaky cam and unfocused zooming to make the Bourne franchise jealous.]

Hey there. Do you like watching a ridiculously good looking man do law stuff? Want to watch him play some nondescript puzzle game on his phone for an entire hour? If yes, then have I got a surprise for you. If no, watch it anyway because apparently I need the ratings.

Jeff Winger here, Lawyer at Large and city hero bringing you a brand new series about me. [Another oh-so charming smile and a dramatic point to the camera.] And law!

Danger! Intrigue! Thrills! These are some things you'll probably never see in my show, but watch it anyway because hey, you might just strike it lucky. And ladies, you might just strike it lucky with me.

[Smirk smirk smirk, pause and then a glance off camera to someone, smugness replaced with a curious furrow of brows.] You guys do know I was disbarred ri-- [And the feed ends.]

Comments

[ferrisbuellean]

I've never really been one for acting. My teacher at high school said I-- [Deep inhale.] Said I had no talent for it and-- [Yeah, he's starting to sob. It's a pretty impressive act, even if it's not quite Oscar worthy. He's Leonardo. Always good but never quite there.] I just wanted to be good at something! [Tears, tears. All the fake tears.

Aaand then he's stopping as quickly as he started.]

How's that? Was it working for you?

[selfequipped]

Yeah, no. You could wear a lot of black clothes from the thrift store and talk about how you've been forced to dress down.

I'm sure someone will eat it up.

[ferrisbuellean]

From the thrift store? [Nevaaaaaar.]

[selfequipped]

Well, you can lie and say it's from the thrift store? Pull a few stitches out ...

[ferrisbuellean]

I'm not sure I could cope with that, even for the sake of the camera.

[selfequipped]

You're really inflexible.

[ferrisbuellean]

That's not true. I'm extremely flexible.

[selfequipped]

You and I both know I didn't just mean your yoga poses.

[ferrisbuellean]

And yet I'm so glad that you were obviously just thinking about that.

[selfequipped]

I keep an open mind.

Unlike you.

[ferrisbuellean]

Hey, my mind is totally open. Just not to twice worn clothing.

[selfequipped]

Or to clothing worn once and a little tattered for effect.

I got it.

[ferrisbuellean]

It's too hobo chic. Maybe if it was meant to look worn when sold in stores, but that's pretty early 00's.

[selfequipped]

So, do you want to seem like a lawyer at large that's already successful? People like when someone has to overcome actual obstacles, you know. It's a natural part of a narrative.

[ferrisbuellean]

I want it to seem like a lawyer at large cares about his appearance enough not to look like he's failed before he starts. You ever see a lawyer in court with ripped jeans and a vintage t-shirt? No, because they don't get work. No one wants a down trodden thrift store loser to represent them, they want the best.

[selfequipped]

I think we have very different ideas of what people want. But I never said anything about a vintage T-shirt, you know. That's putting words in my mouth!

[ferrisbuellean]

If you, as a client, paid me to stand up for you in court, I'd wear whatever the hell you wanted. I'm just saying the masses like well-dressed.

[selfequipped]

No, see, you're not following me. [Kate leaves a dramatic pause.]

People want a story. Rags to riches is one of the biggest stories. Being able to struggle and still succeed is ... well, it's less alienating. Trust me. [Of course, she comes from money, but she's not going to tell him that. She's coming from a privileged perspective.] Even faking it a little for a story, is that such a bad idea? You are supposed to be telling a story, right?

Or do you have too much pride? I'm starting to think it might be that.

[ferrisbuellean]

Rags to riches is a metaphor. It's not a literal thing. I don't have to wear actual rags to portray a man rising to new heights, I just have to start off from scratch- which I'm clearly already doing- and succeed.

Maybe I'm just making it look too easy, but I can't help being this awesome.

[selfequipped]

It's definitely a pride thing. How are you making it look easy if you haven't even started?

[ferrisbuellean]

By giving such an amazing opener on the network? It's not a pride thing to congratulate myself on a job well done!

[selfequipped]

Unfortunately, we're a very, very small part of your audience. An almost forgettable part!

[ferrisbuellean]

Well, I reckon I can fill the rest of my margins with desperate housewives and imPort lovers.

[selfequipped]

They're surprisingly willing to flip-flop on us. Something to do with us being ungrateful or whatever. I wouldn't bank on that.

[ferrisbuellean]

Then I'll stick to those who'll remain forever loyal: Housewives. My face is enough to pull in thousands of lonely women.