001 | Video

[moneyballer]

Okay, so this superhero gig? Best. Thing. Ever!

[Each word is accompanied by animated hand gestures and unnecessary head bobbing. Better get used to it.]

Yo, this is frickin’ awesome! I mean, I wanted to defend the law and all, but this? This is better than all the wet dreams I’ve ever had! And, phew! I’ve had some great ones. Madonna? She may be old, but that chick can get it.

[Why is he gesturing to the viewer like he won an Oscar or something? What the hell is his problem?]

Some guys wouldn’t be caught dead walking around in spandex and a pair of tighty-whities, but… You can’t deny that this bodacious badonkadonk-

[Asher sets the device on the table in front of him, doing a twirl for the camera. Oh god, is that a booty pop? It is. Someone stop this man.]

Would look great in a supersuit.

Comments

[moneyballer]

It's okay, man.

It's okay if you get picked last for teams and stuff- You've got plenty of years to grow, little dude. Just keep practicin'.

[ursawhiner]

W-what? I'm not bad at sports! I'm more of a science kind of guy, anyways.

[moneyballer]

So you like science, huh? Hehe. Neeeeeerd.

[While he's totally making fun of Dipper, there's very little malice behind it.]

[ursawhiner]

Are you... seriously mocking a twelve year old right now? What are you, thirty?

[moneyballer]

God no!

[look at his horrified expression excuse u]

I'm not even close! Cool it.

[Asher rolls his eyes.]

I was just messing around.

[ursawhiner]

What's wrong with being thirty? Is that like your expiration date?

[moneyballer]

No, but it is when my dad's hair started falling out...

[asher who are you talking to

yourself????]

[ursawhiner]

I think they have shampoos for that now...

[Dipper is not ready to help some stranger though an early mid-life crisis.]

[moneyballer]

Really? Sweet!

[cue fistpump

maybe this place has a cure for male pattern baldness!!! maybe he can change his pasty fate]

[ursawhiner]

Ah, you're welcome? Not that it looks like you have anything to worry about right now.

[moneyballer]

Yeah, worrying's probably what'll make it fall out anyway...

[oh wait where was this conversation going]

Yo, isn't it getting to be past your bedtime, kiddo? You must have some really lax parents! Letting you stay up late and all that stuff.

[ursawhiner]

My parents aren't here. And there's no point in having a bedtime if there's no school.

[moneyballer]

What?

[Hold on a second.]

They just pulled you in here without your parents? You've got to have a legal guardian or something! An older sibling, an uncle, maybe...

[ursawhiner]

Uh, my sister's here? But she lives in Florida. We're planning on switching between apartments.

[You don't want Grunkle Stan here.]

[moneyballer]

[Asher doesn't like the sound of that.

Okay, so this kid's sister is here, and those shmucks in the government didn't even have the decency to room them together. They're not required to go to school, either.]

Please tell me you live close to the border.

[Of Florida, that is.]

[ursawhiner]

I live in Pennsylvania. But right now I'm in Heropa.

[The CPS don't got nothing on us!]

[moneyballer]

You better be with your sister.

[ursawhiner]

Well, yeah. I'm not leaving her alone when she's been here by herself for almost a year.

[moneyballer]

[...]

How old is she?

[ursawhiner]

We're both twelve.

[moneyballer]

So there are two twelve-year-olds in a house alone.

[Fullstop.]

In a city full of murderers and psychopaths.

[Cue a very disgruntled sigh.

Asher isn't sure why the other adults haven't done anything. There are plenty of them on the network! Why isn't anybody helping these kids out? It's annoying, to say the least.

This kind of shit really gets under his skin, believe it or not.]

Where in Heropa are you? Like, house number and all that jazz.

[ursawhiner]

I'm not telling you where we are when you just talked about murderers and psychopaths!

[A voice in the background can be heard going, "We're in number 18!"]

Mabel!

1/2 [video]

[moneyballer]

[HOLD ON A MINUTE]

No fucking way.

2/3 i lied [action]

[moneyballer]

[HE'S STOMPING ALL OVER THE HOUSE WHERE ARE THE KIDS WHERE ARE THEY??? ARE THEY SO SMALL THEY CAN'T BE SEEN BY HUMAN EYES, DOES HE NEED THE HELP OF A MICROSCOPE-]

3/3

[moneyballer]

[Loudly, as he busts open the door:]

You!

[Oh wow there's that kid from earlier. Wait, were they talking to him while they were in the same room?]

You two! Go the frick to sleep, for crying out loud.