001 | Video

[moneyballer]

Okay, so this superhero gig? Best. Thing. Ever!

[Each word is accompanied by animated hand gestures and unnecessary head bobbing. Better get used to it.]

Yo, this is frickin’ awesome! I mean, I wanted to defend the law and all, but this? This is better than all the wet dreams I’ve ever had! And, phew! I’ve had some great ones. Madonna? She may be old, but that chick can get it.

[Why is he gesturing to the viewer like he won an Oscar or something? What the hell is his problem?]

Some guys wouldn’t be caught dead walking around in spandex and a pair of tighty-whities, but… You can’t deny that this bodacious badonkadonk-

[Asher sets the device on the table in front of him, doing a twirl for the camera. Oh god, is that a booty pop? It is. Someone stop this man.]

Would look great in a supersuit.

Comments

[ursawhiner]

Don't-don't talk about my mother like that! And I'm not exactly searching for butts in my spare time!

[At least not this kind of butt]

[moneyballer]

Yeah?

[Here comes the petty teasing.]

So! What are you into then? Legs? Boobs? Feet? Okay, that last one's weird, but you strike me as some kinda weirdo. You're definitely weird for twelve.

[And Asher is definitely immature for a twenty-something.]

[ursawhiner]

This definitely counts as harassment. I know my rights.

[Where is an adult! An adult not Asher!]

[moneyballer]

[Asher just looks down as he laughs, right before meeting Dipper's eyes again.]

Yo, do you always get this worked up when people poke fun at ya? Hey, chillax! If you get all riled up, people are just gonna keep pesterin' you.

'Sides, I don't feel all that bad about this. You seem kinda mature for twelve.

[Jokingly:]

It's more like you're thirteen or somethin'.

[ursawhiner]

[There might actually be stars in Dipper's eyes.]

R-really?

I mean yeah, I get confused for a thirteen year old all the time. It's the maturity and... laidbackness. The coolness.

[moneyballer]

Mature, maybe. Cool? Nah. That's kind of a stretch, broski.

[ursawhiner]

Wow, harsh. You really don't pull any punches, huh?

[His little heart is crushed.]

[moneyballer]

You've got a pine tree on your hat, man.

Like. That's kinda geeky- It should be a baseball team or something. That's a baseball hat. And what kinda team has a fucking tree as a mascot?

[ursawhiner]

I got this hat in Oregon! There are tons of trees there.

...And you don't need to play baseball to wear a baseball hat!

[moneyballer]

It's okay, man.

It's okay if you get picked last for teams and stuff- You've got plenty of years to grow, little dude. Just keep practicin'.

[ursawhiner]

W-what? I'm not bad at sports! I'm more of a science kind of guy, anyways.

[moneyballer]

So you like science, huh? Hehe. Neeeeeerd.

[While he's totally making fun of Dipper, there's very little malice behind it.]

[ursawhiner]

Are you... seriously mocking a twelve year old right now? What are you, thirty?

[moneyballer]

God no!

[look at his horrified expression excuse u]

I'm not even close! Cool it.

[Asher rolls his eyes.]

I was just messing around.

[ursawhiner]

What's wrong with being thirty? Is that like your expiration date?

[moneyballer]

No, but it is when my dad's hair started falling out...

[asher who are you talking to

yourself????]

[ursawhiner]

I think they have shampoos for that now...

[Dipper is not ready to help some stranger though an early mid-life crisis.]

[moneyballer]

Really? Sweet!

[cue fistpump

maybe this place has a cure for male pattern baldness!!! maybe he can change his pasty fate]

[ursawhiner]

Ah, you're welcome? Not that it looks like you have anything to worry about right now.

[moneyballer]

Yeah, worrying's probably what'll make it fall out anyway...

[oh wait where was this conversation going]

Yo, isn't it getting to be past your bedtime, kiddo? You must have some really lax parents! Letting you stay up late and all that stuff.

[ursawhiner]

My parents aren't here. And there's no point in having a bedtime if there's no school.

[moneyballer]

What?

[Hold on a second.]

They just pulled you in here without your parents? You've got to have a legal guardian or something! An older sibling, an uncle, maybe...

[ursawhiner]

Uh, my sister's here? But she lives in Florida. We're planning on switching between apartments.

[You don't want Grunkle Stan here.]

[moneyballer]

[Asher doesn't like the sound of that.

Okay, so this kid's sister is here, and those shmucks in the government didn't even have the decency to room them together. They're not required to go to school, either.]

Please tell me you live close to the border.

[Of Florida, that is.]

[ursawhiner]

I live in Pennsylvania. But right now I'm in Heropa.

[The CPS don't got nothing on us!]