video;

[helpline]

[ The first thing you see....is pumpkins. So many pumpkins. This house is full of pumpkins in various stages of being carved. Those who know Hazel can easily recognize this scene of mass chaos as Residence #11. However, the chalk scribbles on the wall are decidedly not hers. To start with, some of them are in a different language that looks kind of circly.

The personless scene lasts only for a moment before the Doctor scurries into frame, looking a mixture of confused and frowny. He's looking kind of magician, wearing a black coat over a black hoodie. Finally, he's holding an owl by the scruff of it's neck (can you do that with an owl? Who knows, the Doctor's doing so). Said owl is Owlfonso, the skateboarding owl that really doesn't want to be here right now and is desperately trying to peck the Doctor's fingers. ]

I want to clarify first that for once, none of this is my fault. [ except the chalk writing, which is obviously his, but that either a: goes without commenting on or b: the Doctor's forgotten it by now. also wow, that sure is a Scottish accent ] That being said- [ WHAM the camera gets a face full of owl ]

Is this normal? I mean, normal for owls. Is this how I can tell this dimension apart from my dimension? No eyepatches, no goatees, just owls that can suddenly skateboard? [ He backs poor Owlfonso away from the camera, as the Doctor's still got an expression that's pure 'what the hell is this shit' ] Well, skateboarding owls and a postponed perestroika. Spoilers, you're twenty years out of date.

[ pause, frown. The Doctor looks over at poor Owlfonso with a sort of resigned expression. ] The alternate dimension of owls and Communism. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Comments

[deadtective]

If you didn't stock up before you started being a noisy asshole then you've got no one to blame but yourself.

[do it and she'll never leave him alone or stop screeching ever again.]

[helpline]

Worst comes to worst, I can always just toss chalk at their heads.

[ surely the superpower's good for something, right? Riiiight ]

[deadtective]

To what, circle the body parts you're going to punch later so they can get ready?

[helpline]

Because it's the only sort of ammunition I have right now!

[deadtective]

That's what you get for going with the cranky college professor look, man.

[helpline]

College professor? I thought I ended up more with magician, I like college professor better.

[deadtective]

I try and keep away from the supernatural comparisons when I can.

[helpline]

Nine times out of ten the supernatural comparisons are just advanced technology anyway.

[deadtective]

Yeah? Guess who's living in that fucking tenth world.

[or. however you're supposed to link that comparison. fuck it.]

[helpline]

Oh don't tell me you're something supernatural.

[ the supernatural is ridiculous Hazel, don't be ridiculous ]

[deadtective]

[she snorts and waves a hand dismissively, because come on. that would be silly.]

I'm not, but there's more than fucking enough things in my world to make up for it. It's bullshit.

[helpline]

[ There's a pause, while the Doctor thinks things over. ]

Have you had to deal with vampires? Because they're probably either fish people or...well, that one was an actual vampire one time, never mind.

[deadtective]

[darkly:]

I don't want to talk about goddamn vampires.

[helpline]

[ she has indeed dealt with vampires. Don't worry, the Doctor thinks they're bullshit also. ]

What about werewolves? They're mostly aliens.

[deadtective]

Just one, and it wasn't his fault in the first place. I fixed it.

[helpline]

That's good. I've found werewolves to be nicer than vampires, glad that trend continues no matter what universe.

[deadtective]

Does 'I met one' really count as continuing the trend?

[helpline]

I've met some, you've met some, two instances is a trend! All we need now is more data.

[ polling the network: werewolves vs. vampires ]

[deadtective]

Like, a couple hundreds people's worth more data.

[which sounds like EFFORT UGH.]

[helpline]

Crowdsourcing! I'll corral some people and promise to fix their radios or something like that if they help.

[deadtective]

Their radios? [she snorts] How're you gonna let them know, by sending out a mass telegram?

[helpline]

No, their radios are broken, I fix them, and as payment, I get them to help with the survey. Keep up! [ never mind the fact that this MADE NO SENSE TO BEGIN WITH ]

[deadtective]

...you know that it only sort of looks like the 1950s here, right?

[helpline]

Obviously it's 2015. But don't people still use radios in 2015?

[deadtective]

Not enough to desperately need them repaired.