[Video]

[monge]

[Grocery shopping has suddenly become an adventure. An adventure Komasan just has to share. With everyone. He's never...actually made a public video post before, but now looks like the best time to start.

He's not very good at it.

The video is upside down.

But at the very least, it's not hard to tell he's in some sort of Valentine's aisle at whatever big name store he decided to walk into today. Cue the freak out.]

MONGE!!

L-Look at all this candy, zura~! I...I think it might be chocolate season for the US, zuraaaa~

[They have a chocolate season. They have. A chocolate season. At least if all these chocolate boxes are anything to go by. Komasan has never seen anything like this before in his life. So much red! So many frills! So much beauty.

Eventually he turns the feed back onto himself and everyone will be greeted to a little dog with stars in his eyes. And flames on his forehead. For anyone who hasn't met Komasan yet, that might be a tad startling. Or not, who knows, imPorts are weird.

By some sort of miracle, he manages to turn the feed right side up.]

I'm gonna buy all of it, zuraaaa.

[His voice is a hushed whisper, and soon enough he starts grabbing boxes off of shelves and neatly stacking them into the basket he's been carrying. There's no way there's enough room for obvious reasons, but he can dream.]

audio; his [ two ] bated breaths

[hisheartsdesire]

[The voice here has a Northern English accent.]

It's been months since I've used this thing. Never really was in the habit before, but I think I might change all that. Anyway, hello everyone; Tobias Matthews here. Seems there have been many imPorts coming and going since I got out of prison—oh, yeah. For those of you who don't know me or are out of the loop since a couple months back, I put myself in prison for siring natives. I'm a vampire. Might as well get that out of the way. More on that later... now where was I?

Ah, about people coming and going... Anyone able to contact Drew Warner recently? He's not the sort who'd let his powers get nullified without making a scene. So if no one else got a hold of him, I guess it's safe to say he's been exPorted.

[Which is strangely disappointing, but like he's going to admit it.]

I guess that's really all I'd wanted to say. Questions, comments, or perhaps more about prison or being a vampire...? [There's brief silence, then a small resigned sound.] You know, why not, feel free to reply or whatever.

FEBRUARY 10TH, 2016

[maskormods]

THE MAJORITY REPORT: FEBRUARY 10TH, 2016

THE FEELING OF FREEDOM, OF SEEIN' THE LIGHT
As seen in local and national newspapers via press release:
There's a new musical taking Broadway by storm. It's called Franklin!, and is a musical portrait of the Founding Father Benjamin Franklin. No children are allowed; the lead actor is nude for the majority of the show.

The first performance was dedicated to imPort Kitty Jones, who happens to be one of director Miranda Lynne Manwell's favorite people.

#WEAPAWNED AMIRITE?
As seen reblogged on Rumblr, Instagraham, and Bwitter:
Photos of ImPorts in various mundane or silly circumstances or poses tagged with #weapon are spreading from rumblr to other social media platforms in response to the war Russia declared on the United States. The Government released a recent broadcast to the network that hinted that it only viewed imPorts as ‘weapons’. With the success of the imPorts' recent mission, and the idea that they had the fewest amount of casualties seen in a mission op, are they really weapons? Or are they people?

An online rumormonger has outed locals Vanessa McInnis, arcade employee, and Pink Princess producer Jocelyn Jamison as part of the photographic culprits along with imPorts Maya Fey, girl-next-door, and alleged Vampire Queen Marceline Abadeer. But could this been nothing more than a smear campaign? Who else is involved?

FLASH DANCE
As seen on BlueTube:
Have you heard about the dazzling Heropan imPort singing sensations? Two talented imPorts were spotted at a local karaoke hot spot in Heropa earlier in the month, singing like angels. Other patrons captured several videos of Barry Allen and Cisco Ramon singing and dancing their way through a number of 80s hits, and several fansites dedicated to them have since popped up in the week following. Will we hear more from this talented twosome? Their growing fanbase certainly hopes so!

MISSILE MEASURING CONTEST
As seen reported in international news and major national newspapers:
President Freemason has declared that an additional $2,000,000,000 will be invested in NASA's space weaponry expansion program to compete with growing fears of Soviet cosmic advancement. The recent Soviet aggression is not to be taken lightly, says White House spokesperson Veronica Jupiter. The United States will double down on defense efforts, beginning from the top down.

FROM ONE DRUG DEALER TO ANOTHER
As seen listed in The New York Times Shortlist and heard on Public Radio Book Reviews:
Doctor Frederick Chilton's brand new psychiatric text The Methodical Walter White will debut on February 13th, 2016. The fascinating case study of imPort chemist turned kingpin Walter White examines how power and influence can provoke latent personality disorders -- specifically that of malignant narcissism.

"Walt was as much as a villain within a tragedy as he was the tragedy itself," said Doctor Chilton in an interview. "Narcissism has a corrosive quality to it, and eventually things that Walt sincerely cherished, things and people, began to disintegrate. Metaphorically, of course. This extended to his own perception to the point that the more control he attained, the more he felt out of control."

The Methodical Walter White can be found in hard copy wherever books are sold, or digitally for convenience.

SMILE, YOU'RE ON CANDIDE CAMERA
As seen on the local Nonah news:
The city of Nonah welcomes the sudden influx of dentists with bright smiles! Over the past couple of weeks dozens of dentists and their perfectly normal families have moved into the area.

"Thank you for the warm welcome," said new resident and longtime dentist Boris Smith. "I really cannot wait to open my practice here. Nonah is like the best of all possible worlds for my family and myself, we are very happy to be here."

Mrs. Natasha Smith has already begun her beautiful homemaking. Her hydrangeas, it should be noted, are miraculous.

LAST WEEK TONIGHT
As seen on the 24-hour national news cycle and in brief on the international news cycle:
Secretary of Defense Janice Sublime took to primetime air on Wednesday night. Secretary Sublime officially offers the gratitude of a nation to the imPort diplomats, rescues, leaders, and warriors who had so boldly fought against Soviet hostility and brutality.

"You are all truly heroes," she said. "You have proven that swiftly and bravely. The sadistic efforts of the Soviet regime have come to naught, and they would do well to understand that imPorts are our citizens, and our friends."

Secretary Sublime reminds those who had survived the hostage crisis that crisis counselors and other health resources have been made available for imPort use, should anyone require that aid.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from TWILIGHT to DAWN, because it looks as if we are past the worst of our darkest hour, citizens!

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

text ♔ I.D. reads 'Agito'

[akito]

Turning 16 is supposed to be a big deal or whatever right?
What kind of shit are you supposed to do for it?

And before anyone asks - no, it's not for my birthday. Mine was a couple months ago.

✁ 002

[bestsword]

Hey there, imPorts, I’m Captain Tucker. [he’s standing alone in front of the camera, though. the reason becomes apparent when a sallow palm waves in front of it, indicating whoever’s filming.] And I’m… I guess still private? Whatever. It’s just Church.

And we’re here to help you get the most out of your valentine’s this year.

[there’s a displeased grunt; sounds like somebody resents being involved.] Well. He is. I’m here to make sure that his advice doesn’t totally ruin your lives.

Wow, thanks for the endorsement, asshole. [Tucker snorts but does not look fazed in the least.] Everyone knows Valentine’s was created to help singles get laid, so that’s what we’re going to help you do.

Oh, my god. No, it absolutely wasn’t. Doesn’t it usually just make them feel like shit? I thought everybody spent Singles’ Awareness Day in the company of booze and Netflix. [They, Church?? Who do you mean by THEY.]

Sure they do, if they don’t have any of my guaranteed patented pick up lines. [Someone stop him.] Now, when you give one of these lines, it’s all about the delivery. The confidence. Say it knowing you’ll get laid. Jesus christ.

So, here are some lines you can use, free of charge, courtesy me. Jesus christ. [He clears his throat, stands up taller.] Hey, baby, if I flip a coin, what are the chances of me getting head? Even less than your chances of getting tail. Oh - or: I hear you're looking for a stud, I've got the std, all I need is u. Wh-- How the hell is that a selling point? You might as well just introduce yourself as Jerkoff McCrotchrot.

Better yet! I'm an astro-gynecologist and my next mission is to explore Uranus. [Church’s voice is getting steadily louder and more indignant.] Oh, come on! That’s not even what a gynecologist does! Oh man or: Do you work at Subway? Because you gave me a footlong. That is not how b-- Ugh.

Seriously. Have any of these ever actually worked for you? Any of them. Please. I need to know.

They got me Wash didn’t they? I’d say that guarantees they work.

Pffft, yeah right. You couldn’t-- Sorry, wait, what? Who!? [The feed snaps off suddenly, but not before the microphone catches a second of wordless shrieking.]

video;

[totty]

[Is it working? That's what the young man on screen seems to be wondering when he turns on the video on his communicator-- and then, seeing it's recording, smiles contentedly. With all the grace of a tourist, he greets the network with an amiable smile.]

Good afternoon! It's Totty!

[Is he sparkling. he sounds like he's introducing himself like he's on a dating show...]

I've been watching-- and it's a habit to make video messages here, isn't it? So I decided, I should make a video as well! I have to say, a trip like this to the U.S. is wild-- [ESPECIALLY for free] --and aha...

I think I've been checking out the wrong places! Tourism in De Chima... It's strange, isn't it? I had the hardest time getting in line at the mall, and there was litter even on the floor inside...!

Tourist's luck, mm? Maybe I just need better tour guides~!

Let me know where I should go!

[...Yeah that sure was an adult.]