video;

[helpline]

[ The first thing you see....is pumpkins. So many pumpkins. This house is full of pumpkins in various stages of being carved. Those who know Hazel can easily recognize this scene of mass chaos as Residence #11. However, the chalk scribbles on the wall are decidedly not hers. To start with, some of them are in a different language that looks kind of circly.

The personless scene lasts only for a moment before the Doctor scurries into frame, looking a mixture of confused and frowny. He's looking kind of magician, wearing a black coat over a black hoodie. Finally, he's holding an owl by the scruff of it's neck (can you do that with an owl? Who knows, the Doctor's doing so). Said owl is Owlfonso, the skateboarding owl that really doesn't want to be here right now and is desperately trying to peck the Doctor's fingers. ]

I want to clarify first that for once, none of this is my fault. [ except the chalk writing, which is obviously his, but that either a: goes without commenting on or b: the Doctor's forgotten it by now. also wow, that sure is a Scottish accent ] That being said- [ WHAM the camera gets a face full of owl ]

Is this normal? I mean, normal for owls. Is this how I can tell this dimension apart from my dimension? No eyepatches, no goatees, just owls that can suddenly skateboard? [ He backs poor Owlfonso away from the camera, as the Doctor's still got an expression that's pure 'what the hell is this shit' ] Well, skateboarding owls and a postponed perestroika. Spoilers, you're twenty years out of date.

[ pause, frown. The Doctor looks over at poor Owlfonso with a sort of resigned expression. ] The alternate dimension of owls and Communism. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Comments

we're serious rpers

[helpline]

[ Man, the Doctor just looks SO PUT OUT at that ]

But I wanted to room with the owl!

only the best for us

[deadtective]

Then maybe you should have taken him out to dinner first.

[NOW YOU'LL NEVER TAKE MASAW TO PROM]

/hair flip

[helpline]

I'll cook dinner for him instead. I'm sure I remember how to cook.

[ spoilers: he does not remember how to cook. that oven is gonna get set on fire. ]

[deadtective]

[GOOD THING SHE DOESN'T NEED ANY OF THAT SHIT]

He's more of a raw diet kind of guy.

[helpline]

I'll cook it extremely bloody then.

[ Hazel just comes home one day to the oven smoking, the smoke detector going off, and a very sheepish Doctor. life as usual in Heropa 11 ]

[deadtective]

[well, guess it's time to see just how fire resistant she is now...]

You'd probably be better off focusing on presentation. He's got pretty high standards now.

[helpline]

Do they have a fancy grocery store here? One of the ones that has all the spices. I'll get the presentation on point.

[deadtective]

Yeah, there's one of those upscale places not too far away. You know it's fucking classy because they give me the hairy eyeball no matter how covered up I am on any given day.

[so, naturally, she goes there quite often just to drive them up the wall. doesn't matter she can't eat, it's a point to be made!!]

[helpline]

[ He can't help but wrinkle his nose at that. ]

I hate those places. They used to glare at me when I would just buy fish fingers.

[deadtective]

Well, I mean, how many boxes are you buying at once?

[this is an important distinction.]

[helpline]

Ten?

[ that's normal, right? ] The TARDIS's freezers go on the fritz occasionally.

[deadtective]

[she gives a dismissive hand flap.]

Oh, that's fine. I thought you were just grabbing one to try and justify wandering around the store for hours or something.

[helpline]

Of course not! When I wander around the store for hours, I grab a few things to justify that.

[deadtective]

Fucking right you do. Do you grab stuff that looks weird together the longer they glare at you, too?

[helpline]

Obviously. If you're going to keep staring at me, then I might as well pick up the curry paste while I'm at it. I'm sure I'll find a use for it anyway.

[deadtective]

Curry paste is fucking great, you can stick it in so much shit that people aren't expecting and watch them cry about it.

[HAZEL THAT IS NOT ITS INTENDED USE]

[helpline]

Or you can just eat it.

[ THAT IS NOT ITS INTENDED USE INDEED. ] When we get some curry paste, let me eat some first before you inevitably stick it in things.

[deadtective]

The two aren't mutually exclusive, you know.

[do you want to live on the culinary edge, Doctor? how about never knowing what the heat index of your innocuous meals is?]

[helpline]

Yeah, but you're not going to stick it all in my food. I'll get used to it eventually! Where's the fun in that?

[ stick it in OTHER people's food ]

[deadtective]

Who said I'd stop at curry paste?

[she's heard some great things about the Carolina Reaper.]

[helpline]

Once I get my spaceship back, we are going to have a ball. There are planets with chili peppers hotter than anything on Earth. Try those on for size.

[ of course. this is the Doctor being optimistic that he'd get his TARDIS back to begin with.... ]

[deadtective]

I think you're going to be deep in the grave before you ever get your hands on a spaceship again.

[yeah, Hazel's not buying it.]

[helpline]

Once I fix the Porter, I'll be able to get my TARDIS here lickety-split. [ said in a tone that's pure DUH, HAZEL... ]

[deadtective]

Oh, yeah, of course. Why didn't I think about you just sticking your face into the semi-sentient interdimensional machine? My bad.

[helpline]

It's okay, you're human, I think, it usually takes you lot a while to catch on to the whole Time Lord bit.