video;

[helpline]

[ The first thing you see....is pumpkins. So many pumpkins. This house is full of pumpkins in various stages of being carved. Those who know Hazel can easily recognize this scene of mass chaos as Residence #11. However, the chalk scribbles on the wall are decidedly not hers. To start with, some of them are in a different language that looks kind of circly.

The personless scene lasts only for a moment before the Doctor scurries into frame, looking a mixture of confused and frowny. He's looking kind of magician, wearing a black coat over a black hoodie. Finally, he's holding an owl by the scruff of it's neck (can you do that with an owl? Who knows, the Doctor's doing so). Said owl is Owlfonso, the skateboarding owl that really doesn't want to be here right now and is desperately trying to peck the Doctor's fingers. ]

I want to clarify first that for once, none of this is my fault. [ except the chalk writing, which is obviously his, but that either a: goes without commenting on or b: the Doctor's forgotten it by now. also wow, that sure is a Scottish accent ] That being said- [ WHAM the camera gets a face full of owl ]

Is this normal? I mean, normal for owls. Is this how I can tell this dimension apart from my dimension? No eyepatches, no goatees, just owls that can suddenly skateboard? [ He backs poor Owlfonso away from the camera, as the Doctor's still got an expression that's pure 'what the hell is this shit' ] Well, skateboarding owls and a postponed perestroika. Spoilers, you're twenty years out of date.

[ pause, frown. The Doctor looks over at poor Owlfonso with a sort of resigned expression. ] The alternate dimension of owls and Communism. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Comments

[helpline]

[ WHACK that is a file to the head. so the Doctor retaliates by...throwing Hazel's brush at her. ]

[deadtective]

[it bounces right off, having no effect other than to further enrage her. the next two files are flying his way as well, along with a loud angry shriek.]

they are adults

[helpline]

[ he dodges one file, but another hits the Doctor square in the shoulder. unfortunately, the closest projectile near him is one of those tiny pumpkins that are more decoration than pumpkin.

so yeah, that's getting thrown at Hazel. ]

completely capable of living alone

[deadtective]

Those are extra off limits, asshole!

[it's amazing how much more shrill Hazel can get considering her starting point. with another yell she tries to knock the pumpkin back at the Doctor with her remaining files like this is some kind of impromptu baseball session.]

what could possibly go wrong

[helpline]

Get them out of the living room then!

[ and ah-HA he has successfully dodged the pumpkin, TIME TO THROW ANOTHER ]

nothing at all

[deadtective]

You get out of the living room! They were here before you!!

[NO SOME OF THEM ARE ACTUAL PUMPKINS AND WILL SPLATTER. charging forward to try and tackle him out of ammunition range now.]

peaceful coexistance

[helpline]

The pumpkins don't have a folder saying that they're supposed to live here! They can leave!

[ and he does not expect stitches mcfilefolder to move as fast as she does so whamp, that's a tackle ]

the model housemates

[deadtective]

How the hell would you know what they do or don't have!?

[HELL FUCKING YEAH. Hazel doesn't really know this guy so she rolls off immediately unlike when she takes her boyfriend bff down, but the feeling of victory is no less substantial.]

setting a new standard for great housemate behavior

[helpline]

I asked them, [ DUUUUUUH, HAZEL. ]

And besides, I think one of them's gutted. If they do have a folder, which I doubt they do, then they're either being held hostage or we've just discovered a sinister pumpkin death cult.

[ said 100% seriously while still lying on the floor. ]

everyone's going to be so jealous

[deadtective]

They're waiting to transcend into a dragon.

[you want to play deadpan bullshit? she'll play fucking deadpan bullshit, although he's still getting fixed with a stern look in case he makes a grab for any more of her stuff.]

don't you wish you had roomies as loving as these

[helpline]

[ bring it on, the Doctor is great at....not recognizing deadpan bullshit and taking everything at face value. ]

Really? Well they've got a lot of work to do. Last time I checked, pumpkins couldn't breathe fire. [ a pause, before ] I put my stuff in the least messy room, by the way.

i know i do

[deadtective]

Was it the least messy room with the plants? Also I'm working on the fire thing, there may or may not be a flamethrower coming in soon.

[AND SO IT BEGINS]

ditto ditto

[helpline]

Yeah, that one. Do you mind if I move a couple out here? The room's inevitably going to become a disaster zone and those plants deserve better.

[ but oooh, flamethrower ] Tell me more about the flamethrower, though.

[deadtective]

Not if you're moving the plants. That's their place.

[helpline]

The plants deserve better than to be rooming with someone who will inevitably make the room smell like sulphur. Can't some of them room with the owl? [ however, there's then a pause and a frown before the Doctor answers ] Can I room with the owl instead?

i had to actually check and see how many rooms a gov house had haha

[deadtective]

[from somewhere in another room, an outraged hoot echoes throughout the halls. Hazel smiles smugly and shrugs expansively.]

Looks like that's settled. You'll have to take one of the shitty, completely empty ones.

we're serious rpers

[helpline]

[ Man, the Doctor just looks SO PUT OUT at that ]

But I wanted to room with the owl!

only the best for us

[deadtective]

Then maybe you should have taken him out to dinner first.

[NOW YOU'LL NEVER TAKE MASAW TO PROM]

/hair flip

[helpline]

I'll cook dinner for him instead. I'm sure I remember how to cook.

[ spoilers: he does not remember how to cook. that oven is gonna get set on fire. ]

[deadtective]

[GOOD THING SHE DOESN'T NEED ANY OF THAT SHIT]

He's more of a raw diet kind of guy.

[helpline]

I'll cook it extremely bloody then.

[ Hazel just comes home one day to the oven smoking, the smoke detector going off, and a very sheepish Doctor. life as usual in Heropa 11 ]

[deadtective]

[well, guess it's time to see just how fire resistant she is now...]

You'd probably be better off focusing on presentation. He's got pretty high standards now.

[helpline]

Do they have a fancy grocery store here? One of the ones that has all the spices. I'll get the presentation on point.

[deadtective]

Yeah, there's one of those upscale places not too far away. You know it's fucking classy because they give me the hairy eyeball no matter how covered up I am on any given day.

[so, naturally, she goes there quite often just to drive them up the wall. doesn't matter she can't eat, it's a point to be made!!]

[helpline]

[ He can't help but wrinkle his nose at that. ]

I hate those places. They used to glare at me when I would just buy fish fingers.