video;

[helpline]

[ The first thing you see....is pumpkins. So many pumpkins. This house is full of pumpkins in various stages of being carved. Those who know Hazel can easily recognize this scene of mass chaos as Residence #11. However, the chalk scribbles on the wall are decidedly not hers. To start with, some of them are in a different language that looks kind of circly.

The personless scene lasts only for a moment before the Doctor scurries into frame, looking a mixture of confused and frowny. He's looking kind of magician, wearing a black coat over a black hoodie. Finally, he's holding an owl by the scruff of it's neck (can you do that with an owl? Who knows, the Doctor's doing so). Said owl is Owlfonso, the skateboarding owl that really doesn't want to be here right now and is desperately trying to peck the Doctor's fingers. ]

I want to clarify first that for once, none of this is my fault. [ except the chalk writing, which is obviously his, but that either a: goes without commenting on or b: the Doctor's forgotten it by now. also wow, that sure is a Scottish accent ] That being said- [ WHAM the camera gets a face full of owl ]

Is this normal? I mean, normal for owls. Is this how I can tell this dimension apart from my dimension? No eyepatches, no goatees, just owls that can suddenly skateboard? [ He backs poor Owlfonso away from the camera, as the Doctor's still got an expression that's pure 'what the hell is this shit' ] Well, skateboarding owls and a postponed perestroika. Spoilers, you're twenty years out of date.

[ pause, frown. The Doctor looks over at poor Owlfonso with a sort of resigned expression. ] The alternate dimension of owls and Communism. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Comments

[deadtective]

The person who's gonna bury you in a hailstorm of papercuts if you don't fucking keep your goddamn hands to yourself!

[she raises one of the thicker files over her head threateningly. this is not an actual introduction, but who cares about those? between this and all the stitches she's covered in surely he'll understand she's deadly serious.]

[helpline]

[ Wow she's covered in stitches. That can't be healthy. Though really, that file folder above her head looks like it would hurt if it managed to whack him in the head. ]

He didn't stop me, [ said, as he pointed to poor Owlfonso, ] how was I supposed to know this was yours? More to the point, how was I supposed to know you lived here to begin with?

[deadtective]

He's supposed to be sleeping right now, he's probably too tired to do fucking shit all!

[FIRST OF ALL. and the folder does not lower as she continues - in fact Hazel's stomping a little closer now, scowling the whole way.]

And it doesn't matter whose it actually is because it's pretty obviously not yours!

[helpline]

[ HE IS STANDING HIS GROUND by trying to distract Hazel ]

You really should get those looked at, [ said as he points to her stitches. ]

[deadtective]

I did, that's why they look like that. [and then, after a beat:] You can't touch those either!

[helpline]

That's disgusting, why would I touch your stitches to begin with?

[deadtective]

Because that's the level of depravity you've sunk to now. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

[helpline]

I'm the depraved one? You're the one who let the owl buy all the pumpkins. [ said as he bends down and...picks up Hazel's paintbrush that he had dropped ]

[deadtective]

[sorry, what, you wanted a response? she's too busy making good at her threat and pitching that file right at his head the minute his fingers close around the brush.]

[helpline]

[ WHACK that is a file to the head. so the Doctor retaliates by...throwing Hazel's brush at her. ]

[deadtective]

[it bounces right off, having no effect other than to further enrage her. the next two files are flying his way as well, along with a loud angry shriek.]

they are adults

[helpline]

[ he dodges one file, but another hits the Doctor square in the shoulder. unfortunately, the closest projectile near him is one of those tiny pumpkins that are more decoration than pumpkin.

so yeah, that's getting thrown at Hazel. ]

completely capable of living alone

[deadtective]

Those are extra off limits, asshole!

[it's amazing how much more shrill Hazel can get considering her starting point. with another yell she tries to knock the pumpkin back at the Doctor with her remaining files like this is some kind of impromptu baseball session.]

what could possibly go wrong

[helpline]

Get them out of the living room then!

[ and ah-HA he has successfully dodged the pumpkin, TIME TO THROW ANOTHER ]

nothing at all

[deadtective]

You get out of the living room! They were here before you!!

[NO SOME OF THEM ARE ACTUAL PUMPKINS AND WILL SPLATTER. charging forward to try and tackle him out of ammunition range now.]

peaceful coexistance

[helpline]

The pumpkins don't have a folder saying that they're supposed to live here! They can leave!

[ and he does not expect stitches mcfilefolder to move as fast as she does so whamp, that's a tackle ]

the model housemates

[deadtective]

How the hell would you know what they do or don't have!?

[HELL FUCKING YEAH. Hazel doesn't really know this guy so she rolls off immediately unlike when she takes her boyfriend bff down, but the feeling of victory is no less substantial.]

setting a new standard for great housemate behavior

[helpline]

I asked them, [ DUUUUUUH, HAZEL. ]

And besides, I think one of them's gutted. If they do have a folder, which I doubt they do, then they're either being held hostage or we've just discovered a sinister pumpkin death cult.

[ said 100% seriously while still lying on the floor. ]

everyone's going to be so jealous

[deadtective]

They're waiting to transcend into a dragon.

[you want to play deadpan bullshit? she'll play fucking deadpan bullshit, although he's still getting fixed with a stern look in case he makes a grab for any more of her stuff.]

don't you wish you had roomies as loving as these

[helpline]

[ bring it on, the Doctor is great at....not recognizing deadpan bullshit and taking everything at face value. ]

Really? Well they've got a lot of work to do. Last time I checked, pumpkins couldn't breathe fire. [ a pause, before ] I put my stuff in the least messy room, by the way.

i know i do

[deadtective]

Was it the least messy room with the plants? Also I'm working on the fire thing, there may or may not be a flamethrower coming in soon.

[AND SO IT BEGINS]

ditto ditto

[helpline]

Yeah, that one. Do you mind if I move a couple out here? The room's inevitably going to become a disaster zone and those plants deserve better.

[ but oooh, flamethrower ] Tell me more about the flamethrower, though.

[deadtective]

Not if you're moving the plants. That's their place.

[helpline]

The plants deserve better than to be rooming with someone who will inevitably make the room smell like sulphur. Can't some of them room with the owl? [ however, there's then a pause and a frown before the Doctor answers ] Can I room with the owl instead?

i had to actually check and see how many rooms a gov house had haha

[deadtective]

[from somewhere in another room, an outraged hoot echoes throughout the halls. Hazel smiles smugly and shrugs expansively.]

Looks like that's settled. You'll have to take one of the shitty, completely empty ones.