004.

[magnitudes]

( ooc: this is a pretty ridiculous post, but just chucking this behind a cut in case! Sarissa's kind of flippant and terrible sometimes, so I'm also gently linking an opt out post if there's any topics you'd sooner not come up, or would just prefer to opt out of cr with her generally :]b

content warning: discussion of cults, reference to serial killers, and potentially murder/group suicide/any else terrible that could tie into cults that could come up in the comments. I'll update as necessary. )

username: dropbears.

basically I've been told that unless I manage to successfully build a cult I'm inferior to alarming murderers

as such I'm doing some research into what would most appeal to my impending adoring followers
know a lot of you adore me anyway, but you know, gotta get those still on the fence to lean over this way some more

so

1. What would make you most likely to join a cult?

a — immortality
b — discounts
c — motivational speeches
d — free food
e — sugar gliders
f — other

2. What do you think is most important for an inspiring cult leader to have:

a — statues
b — a catch phrase
c — someone following them and djing a soundtrack to their life wherever they go
d — terrifying giant hair
e — sugar gliders
f — other

3. How do you feel about obeying my every instruction?

a — seriously though
b — don't do it
c — bad decision
d — really you'd regret it
e — sugar gliders
f — other

4. Isn't "The Cult" a 90s movie with witches?

a — no, that's the The Craft, go home
b — stop talking about the 1990s
c — stop talking about pop culture references that aren't from my world
d — my life is hard because I don't enjoy fun things
e — the sisterhood doesn't approve of this false coven
f — other

5. Sugar gliders?

a — all hail our marsupial overlords
b — amazing
c — amazing
d — amazing
e — my opinion is meaningless
f — other

Comments

text;

[brushoff]

omfg

I am so happy to see this post.

[ hello there Sarissa, you are currently rising up the ranks of 'terrible people that Dorian can actually be friends with and doesn't want to fuck them over b/c they're SO ENDEARING.' ]

1: D, 2: C&E, 3: F, 4: B, 5: B-D

text;

[magnitudes]

as if I'd just let it go when there was a chance for a meaningful survey

( YEAH SHE'S SO HONOURED but really though, so honoured )

ooh, incorrect answer on 4, mate
but because you have the correct opinion on sugar gliders, you get to take home this sweet novelty trophy

video

[rathercommon]

[ Oh, look what it is, making sugar-glider-y noises at the camera. How cute. ]

permavideo

[magnitudes]

Hey. I was just commissioning a statue in your honour, and everything.

( this is what her life has become
talking to a sugar glider over the internet )

text

[beautifullies]

[ Claire honestly has no idea what half of this means, but it's one of the most interesting things she's ever seen come up. She doesn't know if it's serious at all either. ]

I must say, it's nice to know someone forming a cult has no intention of being a mass murderer.

I can't speak to most of this, I'm too far removed from your time, I believe. But you must know it's nice to see some levity.

[ Even if she's not joking. ]

You have a deep connection to sugar gliders.

permatext!

[magnitudes]

Thank you. I feel like the difference is in the details, you know?

Ah, so I take it you're one of the tragically deprived masses. No worries, hey, I'd be happy to explain. Where/when are you from? I can guarantee a totally reliable and accurate summary of anything.

Only a monster wouldn't, honestly. Or those who haven't had the privilege, I suppose.

( in summary: run, Claire. run before her idiocy continues. )

text; your bff anon

[nastygram]

needs more gifs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSsiS-v6_6M plays this as they run to each other in slow motion

[magnitudes]

the post, or cults generally?

text;

[coppelganger]

sarissa, what the fuck?

text;

[magnitudes]

when you use my name I feel like I'm in trouble

text;

[dirtyredneck]

1. Free food
2. Other
3. Bad decision
4. No, that's The Craft, go home
5. Other

text;

[magnitudes]

tops, thanks mate

free food is probably the thing that'd get me too, honestly
I'd sell my soul for a good pizza most days, you know?

[driftsintobuffetline]

1. Free food
2. Catch phrase, though the dj might help too, especially if you have a theme
3. All of the above
4. A. and The Cult are a British rock band.
5. I'd prefer lizards, but marsupial overlords works too.

[magnitudes]

I gotta respect all the people who are about the free food, it's very comforting

Do you reckon it should be a heaps evil catchphrase, or more zany and out there?
Because you could go full Bond villain about it or Ace Ventura

oh shit lizards are fucking awesome
favourite kind?

Text

[helladoomed]

A, C, E, E, D

[magnitudes]

nice work, good choices

you're the first person not to pick free food, so possibly you're classier than the rest of us

[instars]

How many cults are there in Australia?

[magnitudes]

not enough, I reckon
was it the dropbears
did they give me away

text;

[fayzedandconfused]

b, b, b, b, b

text;

[magnitudes]

do you really care about discounts or were you doing the b or c thing
that doesn't count for surveys

Text

[whopperking]

What kind of discounts are we talking about here?

Text

[magnitudes]

THAT is an excellent question
I mean I guess as a surveyor I should ask what kind would be most appealing
cause right now all I can think is doughnuts so it'd probably wind up being a doughnut discount

[khajidont]

1: D
2: C
3: F. Why the sugar glider thing?
4. F why are you so weird
5. SERIOUSLY WHAT'S WITH THE SUGAR GLIDERS

I don't think I'm joining your cult

Unless you satisfy on the free food thing

[magnitudes]

1. called it. have we ever actually spoken and not been eating?
2. do you think I need to hire someone? or should a cult member sort of volunteer for the privilege?
3-5. marsupial overlords.

I'm not weird, I'm charming and impulsive, it's different
I have rice krispy squares?

text

[112ounces]

[ what is even the point of this survey ]

what is up with you and sugar gliders

text

[magnitudes]

the real question is
what do you have against sugar gliders

text

[tridentity]

[She was answering the questions seriously at first, but she realized she could make a word out of it.]

f. b. e. a. d.

[f bead = friend bead or something, she just made it up now!]

by the way, what is a sugar glider

text

[magnitudes]

oh my god
that's the most tragic thing I've heard all day

( BRACE YOURSELF: a stream of image spam
it happens quick enough to suggest she just has these images handy )

handyglider.jpg
greenglider.jpg
berrycharmingglider.jpg
beeautifulglider.jpg
sugarglider.jpg

[text]

[thefatherssins]

How did this come up?

[magnitudes]

we were discussing Charles Manson and his taste in music
all went downhill from there

text;

[slightlyoffchilt]

1. F
2. F
3. F
4. A
5. F

The most successful cults typically target the insecurities of the vulnerable. Happy to help.

text;

[magnitudes]

Concerned I'm going to be building a cult of people willing to say they like the Spice Girls best?

So what are the other options you'd like to see?

[raw]

A, F, C, B, F

[magnitudes]

is immortality so you know no matter how terrifying the horror flick, you'll make it out alright?

text

[oddbod]

1. F
2. F
3. F
4. F
5. F

text

[magnitudes]

elaborate please
why do I feel like you're going to reply with "I'm starting my own cult"
is this what we've been reduced to, Paddington

text;

[schwanengesang]

I see you're gathering essential information, as usual.

[ As if the spice girls debate wasn't enough. ]

text;

[magnitudes]

oh, you know me. just bringing light and radiance and meaning into the lives of those around me, whenever I can.

[text]

[gearshifting]

Not the weirdest survey but it's up there.

F (D if it's really good food), F, C, F, A

[magnitudes]

aw that's sweet, thanks mate

1. it's always really good food
so what are your "others" that you'd like to ask for?

[airshow]

I don't have the first clue who you are, but this is a GOOD POST.

1) A if it wasn't handled in a super creepy blood god way (but I think it always is); otherwise E
2) C; as a note, I have had bad experiences with terrifying giant hair, 0/10 would not do again
3) E
4) F, sugar gliders
5) all of the above

Are the sugar gliders hypothetical? I hope not. I'm lonely and impressionable.

[magnitudes]

I'm Sarissa, flawless and totally humble. G'day.

1. I didn't even think about the mechanics for the immortality, Christ. I'll get back to you on it. I mean, my ex won't be involved, so I think we should be safe about avoiding the creepy blood god thing
2. oh my god did it involve a beehive? the 60s looks like it was a wild time for hair, if there is ever an evil hairstyle it has to be from back then

3&4. excellent answers
5. SEE okay thank you, no one else appreciates sugar gliders enough

I need to acquire some sugar gliders, but I thought they could be like the cult mascot

text

[annihiliner]

Are you planning to become an alarming murderer yourself once you have your answers?

text

[magnitudes]

well, I like to keep my options open

text;

[doubleblind]

Why doesn't question four have a sugar glider option?

text;

[magnitudes]

because i was being pithy and witty and wanted a matching number of options for all questions, obviously