MASK OR MENACE

HE KANGED, HE SAW, HE CONQUERED
As seen on BlueTube (via cellphone footage), Bwitter, Rumblr, and Heropean local news:
Some of the clone mayhem has been put to a stop in an explosive manner, thanks to the draconian imPort Kang. The amateur footage shows him cornering his own clone in an alley several blocks from a restaurant favored by locals. Kang is heard shouting for others to back away before shooting energy darts out of his hand, killing the double troublemaker on the spot. The body then reduces to bones and explodes as if they were made of dynamite, much to the surprise of the onlookers. No others were hurt, and there was minimal damage to nearby property.

According to Kang, before the video ends, this is completely normal for his race.

There had been reports of this clone starting fights in several bars and espousing imPort and non-human superiority. He has also been linked to three local deaths. No official statements have been made by the police as of yet.

AIN'T NO SNOWFLAKE
As seen in national newspapers and De Chima televised channels:
A new shelter is being opened by former ambassador candidate Jon Snow. While De Chima has a number of shelters in use, Lord Snow has promised that his will not only be located outside of the city, but will provide housing not only for the homeless, but for the imPorts currently without support and between jobs. He's stated in recent interviews that the shelter will provide assistance in finding more permanent housing and jobs, as well as teaching the residents of the shelter valuable tools to help them in various careers. Donations and supplies are requested, delivered to Snow's office between the hours of 9 a.m. to 9 p.m.

"We are in this together," Snow has told reporters. "We need to band together, all of us. It's the only way our city will thrive."

ABSOLUTELY SIMFUL
As seen on BlueTube play-by videos, local Heropa news, Rumblr, and in internet ads:
There's a new mobile app that has been causing something of a stir amongst natives. Launched just this week, HEART KAPOW WOW is an app that enables natives to embrace the ImPort experience... via dating sim. The game is available to anyone interested for a small fee, but the most interesting thing is that some of the dating options might seem a little familiar. Players have the option to go with a number of dating routes, and live either a heroic or villainous life. More information on the game and uncanny dating options is available here!

SELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT
As seen in entertainment magazines and the official TMI blogosphere:
Reality stars Noah Czerny (of "True Afterlife") and Ronan Lynch (one half of the duo from ETV's "fuckups & tryhards") have taken to BlueTube in a series of videos depicting the boys performing tricks and stunts with novelty toys in the shape of male genitalia. As of this report, the videos have over one million views. Whether the viral performance is a spontaneous act by the boys or a calculated move on the part of UCCY INC Network in an attempt to merge its popular teen imPort franchises remains a point of debate on entertainment news sites and forums. Both boys, who are roommates and make cameo appearances on their respective programs, have a large following on Imstagram and recently toured London as guests of the British government in celebration of a new trade deal between the US and UK.

THELMA AND OH GEEZ
As seen on Rumblr discourse, in Bwitter threads, and watched on on TMI Tonight:
SPOTTED: Daenerys Targaryen giving a statement to police called to the site of her recent fender-bender. Her passenger at the time of the accident was friend and sometime collaborator Gwen Wynne-York, to whom she was overheard remarking, "I think we won that".

Ms Wynne-York could not be reached for comment but was reportedly struggling to contain her laughter.

Ms Targaryen is rumored to have settled with the other party.

ROW ROW ROW AND BOATS
As seen on imPort Message boards, Community Interest News Stories, Boating Enthusiasts Newsletters:
A heated argument has broken out among Boater Enthusiasts the last few weeks. It's not quite an all out battle, but races have been tossed around as a possibility. The Prize? Having imPort Riptide sign off as the mascot of whichever club wins! So far no word has come from Riptide himself as to which club he supports, but Heropa's two largest clubs, Pier Pressure and Schooner or Laker have been making some waves. Only time will tell if the riptides will turn in their favor, or if they'll be washed out to sea.

BAEB IN PLOYLAND?
As seen on all Maurtia Falls news channels:
On July 21st, imPort ambassador Petyr Baelish officially announced he would be running for mayor in an interview with the Maurtia Falls Times. The signs had been there for quite a while what with him running regular town hall meetings and drumming up support in the education and business communities, but up until now he had been rather coy when asked about his ambitions. When prompted about whether this would mean he would step down from his ambassadorial position, Baelish responded he had no plans to step down unless he secures the office and he believes he would be fully capable of devoting his time to his fellow imPorts as well as running his campaign.

Current mayor Tony Cardelli seemed unconcerned about Baelish's announcement. "While I can greatly appreciate the works Ambassador Baelish has put into place during the time he's served this city, I think the people of Maurtia Falls will know better than to appoint an imPort in the role of mayor. And that's nothing against his capabilities, but quite simply being an imPort always runs a risk of them spontaneously vanishing or otherwise leaving the city at risk. Look at what happened to our city just this past week because of imPorts. And I could go on record naming numerous times imPorts have been the cause of our city's problems. Because of this, I am confident I will be reelected for a second term." Cardelli told Channel 7 News in a press conference after the clone catastrophe.

Even so, many cars have been spotted around the city with a single mockingbird bumper sticker in solidarity with Petyr Baelish, his town hall meetings have been seeing a dramatic increase of foot traffic, and whether it's the work of the famed guerrilla artist or copycats -- the message "embElish maurtia falls" has been cropping up in gold spray paint all across the city. It's clear that Ambassador Baelish has drummed up quite a bit of support quicker than anyone realized, and it seems as though Cardelli will be forced to take his campaign seriously.

On August 18th at 7:00pm, Mayor Cardelli and Mayor-Hopeful Baelish will be going head to head in their first town hall debate. The citizens of Maurtia Falls are encouraged to come ask questions or air out their grievances.

POKEDISASTER
As seen on BlueTube, Rumblr:
What appears to be the imPorts Blue and Archie, seen here, having a battle of pocket monsters in the middle of London. IN CONSEQUENCE of this intense one-on-one, a large, poisonous sludge-strewn crater was left in their wake. Disaster!

Dragged off by their respective Pokémon, these brawling trainers might have gotten away with it anonymous -- but imPort Niko recorded it and uploaded it onto BlueTube page. What!

TIME TO MANABU UP
As seen in Nonah local papers:
Seen as a kind of goodwill effort by some (or tasteless infiltration by others), imPort Manabu was interviewed by local journalist Jacknard Pulley regarding his induction into the North Carolina Nonah Division Police Academy. Manabu has stated that, to quote, "he's hoping his actions will speak for themselves; he wants to help everyone, imPort and local alike".

The article itself was published in multiple papers, as Pulley is a freelance journalist. A feel-good piece that has been criticized as imPort propaganda by anonymous users on Bwitter has nevertheless found some support within the Nonah community.

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from COQUELICOT to WENGE.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.

GOTT JUSTICE?
As seen televised on local and national news:
April 30th
Import Dr. Hermann Gottlieb-Geiszler was taken into custody late on April 23rd on charges of willful breach of government security. Details are classified, but it's a blow for the small, yet devout following of fans shocked by the news and arguing on behalf of the newly married doctor. But not only has Dr. Gottlieb pled guilty during his trial, he's offered no defense and shown little remorse for his alleged actions. Whether he's unaware of or simply disinterested in his staunchest fans is unclear.

Deemed guilty by the courts, Dr. Gottlieb is facing a two month sentence in medium-security prison, with the possibility of an early probational release on review. Officials say the De Chima-based imPort has been cooperative, but has threatened legal action against the local police department, citing violations of the ADA and criticizing the lack of official guidelines for the detainment of physically impaired suspects. So far, only a formal complaint has been filed.

"It could have been worse," Officer Reiman says. "We didn't expect to find [the suspect]. His file lists a teleportation ability and could have prompted an international manhunt. He'd had plenty of warning too-- had to get the cruiser buzzed in. Almost seems like he wanted to be arrested."

Meanwhile, imPort critics say that Dr. Gottlieb only let himself be arrested because of the unfair sentencing policies that favor cases like his. Typically, cyber crime has resulted in 2-5 year sentences for the non-imPort population. But whatever his motivations, there's no way to know for sure.

Dr. Gottlieb's evaluation is expected to take place on May 24th. His husband, Dr. Newton Gottlieb-Geiszler, could not be reached for comment.

BURNIN' DOWN THE HOUSE
As seen in HOT HOT BEAT, TMI Magazine, IMPORTED GOSSIP, and national news:
Fans of the hot yoga show "BODY HEAT!" were shocked this past week to discover the show's popular imPort host, Mick Rory, was arrested for arson. Rory admitted to setting his government-assigned house in Heropa on fire on the 13th of April, just before the holiday weekend. Rory has been sentenced to two months parole and community service, but has not given any public explanation for his actions.

Speculation is running rampant, with many pointing out that Rory had been known to offer his services to various Fire Departments in the Porter Cities, and had only just a few weeks ago had run a charity drive for the Heropa General's burn ward. Some have called attention to his little-used but widely known alternate alias "Heat Wave", and a rumoured criminal past. Fans online are split between those expressing outrage and those arguing it was a simple mistake.

As for BODY HEAT!, the producers made a public statement that they are reviewing his contract for breach of its Moral Clauses, and have since officially retired Rory from the show.

A BET-TER WORLD
As seen in local Maurtia Falls advertisements:
All bets are ON! WHO will be the next imPort arrested for criminal activity? The handsome Sam Merlotte? The incredibly loud Count Dooku? The beautiful Bela Talbot? The coquettish Yuri Plisetsky? Rope in your financial manager and/or gambling broker and put down a name, you could win it big if fate favors your delinquent pick.

(Smart money is on imPorts who are often seen wearing black).

YOU KNOW NOTHING, SPRING SNOW
As seen on the Maurtia Falls weather channel:
Bad news for people who were enjoying the spring weather. An extreme cold front is sweeping the east coast this weekend, producing blizzard like conditions for the state of Pennsylvania. You can expect to see snowfalls of up to two feet with wind gusts of up to 45 MPH. Folks of Maurtia Falls should brace for impact on April 21st. Wind gusts and heavy snow could cause localized power outages and downed trees. The department of transportation has announced that they are armed and ready with plows to clear the roads, and travel should not be adversely affected for long, but advises that drivers stay off the road if it can be avoided.

Just when you thought you were in the clear, it seems that Winter Is Coming back again.

THE DOOK OF HAZARD
As heard online, on all the best podcast-supporting websites, and discussed in metahuman-related conspiracy blogs:
The newest episode of Count Dooku’s political podcast Counting Truths features The Doctor as a special guest star, interviewed by the Count for his take on recent dangerous incidents like the attack by armies of historical mirages that ruined the last weekend of March, and the blight of apple crops rumoured to have been caused by failed biogenetic testing.

The Doctor’s interview mostly involves a lot of rambling about the timeline, attempts to explain temporal paradoxes to the casual listener, and a little bit of grumping at the government for not letting people look at the Porter. Dooku has to get him back on track multiple times but, all in all, it’s a good interview. The most important thing is that the Doctor surmises that some of the problems, such as the historical mirage attack, might be caused by a temporal malfunction in the Porter. After all, the Porter is an impressive machine but it’s just a MACHINE. It’s entirely possible the Porter can’t juggle all these timelines and accidentally slipped up somewhere.

The Count closes this month’s episode by encouraging any listeners who are concerned about political issues to speak out by contacting the imPort community’s elected representatives with any questions or complaints. To this end, he has helpfully shared the following public contact information:

Lord Petyr Baelish, imPort Ambassador for Maurtia Falls
Queen Lucy Pevensie, imPort Ambassador for De Chima
Miles Naismith Vorkosigan, imPort Ambassador for Nonah
United States Senator Mitchell Hundred of Virginia

CODE SWITCH
The Homeland Security Advisory System has moved from OF THE HEART to INDIGO-GO because nothing shakes off the sleepies like an impromptu dance party.

WANT TO SUBMIT TO THE MAJORITY REPORT?
The Majority Report comes out the 10th and 20th of every month. You may find details and submit here. The cut-off time is 12:01 AM PST on the 9th and the 19th for the corresponding dates.